If you are okay with reading a book with ‘udder’ on the cover, if you are okay with chortling aloud in public, if you are not ashamed of doing face-palm action or, worse, banging your head on the nearest surface, and if you are not a prude or a political correctness fanatic then this book is definitely for you. Dictionary of English: The Udder Side by P.V. Subramaniam (Fingerprint, Rs 250) is a delightfully twisted look at the English language that will leave you ROFL, that too clutching your stomach for mercy!

Stat warning: Be prepared for the loss of innocence because some words and phrases, simple and unassuming, will never be the same after you’ve read this book.

Side effect: Sudden bouts of laughter in inappropriate places whenever you hear one of the words you’ve read in the book, getting you ‘that’ look from the others.

Here is a list of words and their ‘udderly’ different interpretations for you to sample:

A Abracadabra — Magic bra, which makes breasts appear much larger to onlookers than what they actually are.

Answering service — A device implanted into bodies of married men, which makes them keep going ‘yes, dear’.

Arty — Word meaning the same as when prefixed with an ‘f’.

B Beauty spot — The art of locating a sexy woman in a crowd.

Blow — Job offered to just another sucker.

Blue — The colour of movies showing people in the pink indulging in black deeds.

C Cavalry — A perverse squad mounting animals in public.

Chaperone — A large contraceptive device recommended to you by your parents.

D Date — A system of numbering days; go on a date, and your good days are numbered.

Delivery — Mama Craft Womb Raider.

E Enslave — Net serf.

Erection — Uprising in the underworld.

F Fertile — Conceivably, a bearable situation.

Footsie — Tiptoeing around before the ball game kicks off.

G Genitalia — What your unmentionables are called in Italy.

H Hades — The place you’re dying to visit.

Hindsight — What men use to assess a woman.

I Intuition — Sixth sense found in women. In men, it’s tough to find even one.

J Jail — A jolly place where you could check out the bars every day.

K Kiss — To pay lip service.

Labourer — An obstetrician on daily wage.

Lingerie — Undercover agents who get taken out when exposed.

M Mattress — Sex and the settee.

Milkman — King of the udder world.

N Navel — A mark only seen in women. Men’s umbilical cords are still attached to their mummies.

Nightmare — What a daytime nag grows up into.

O Offspring — The result of a man’s hard times and a woman’s labours.

Organ — What you can handle in a church, and not have to confess.

P Parasol — This shady character is just a sun-off-a-beach.

Performance anxiety — When all that goes up is your hope.

Pharaoh — Daddy who became a mummy.

Q Quickie — An open-and-shut case.

R Razor — A close shave with a hair-raising experience.

RIP — Do-not-disturb sign used in grave situations.

S Sex appeal — A nocturnal begging ritual performed by husbands.

Sheep — A gullible animal getting fleeced regularly.

T Trumpet — To proclaim your prowess with a blow job.

U Udder — Teat for tot.

V Vasectomy — A cut and dried solution to population issues.

Voyeur — For him, seeing is relieving.

W Wanderlust — A far-fetched idea of sex.

Womb — Pushy landlady throwing you out on your birthday.

X X — Thank God for this alphabet, else we would never have had sex.

Y Yeti — A chap renouncing the world for having become too big for his boots.

Yolk — Non-white, who is, as usual, considered undeveloped.

Z Zip code — Secret combination to opening a chastity belt.

Some words that make you cringe thanks to their very non-vanilla interpretations

Spank: It still means hitting someone on their bottom but thanks to S&M (read, Fifty Shades of Grey) it is seen as sexual pleasure instead of rebuke.

Don’t be caught saying: I will spank you.

Vanilla: No, it is not a flavour, it refers to simple sex, that is, without any kind of kink, BDSM, fetishism or otherwise.

Don’t be caught saying: I like vanilla, it’s my favourite.

Rack: It is not metal/ wooden bars to hold things nor an instrument of torture, neither is it a particular piece of meat. It refers to women’s breasts.

Don’t be caught saying: Where did you get those racks?

Junk: It is hardly ‘things that are considered useless or of little value’ when it is used to refer to the male genitalia.

Don’t be caught saying: He has a lot of junk.

Melons: It does not refer to fruits but to women’s breasts.

Don’t be caught saying: She got some nice melons.

Banana: Again, you might think it still means the fruit but it doesn’t. It refers to the male genitalia.

Don’t be caught saying: I ate a banana for lunch.

Base: It no longer means the lower part of something or a place from which you operate but the various stages of sexual interactions. Eg: first base, second base, third base, etc.

Don’t be caught saying: I covered all bases with her.

Bang: It doesn’t mean hitting something to make a loud noise or a loud noise. It refers to the act of having sex.

Don’t be caught saying: I banged her door but got no response.

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