The Beijing Organising Committee had compiled a list of dos and don’ts for visitors for the Olympics...

Q: Does China have any regulation against insults to the flag or national emblems?

A: Yes, burning or soiling the Chinese flag or emblems is a criminal offence.

Q: After eating or drinking at restaurants or hotels, if you have diarrhoea or vomiting symptoms, how do you lodge a complaint?

A: Food poisoning symptoms are to be reported to the local health department. (Thank god not to the police.)

If China can, india will not be far behind. What if India were to host the Olympics — say, in Calcutta? — And the government issued its own Q&A?

t2 finds out…

Q Is clearing the throat loudly, then spitting it out allowed?

A: Utterly. Everywhere. Especially if it’s mixed with betel-juice. Consult any local paanwallah for help.

Q Is doping allowed?

A: If you mean ganja, no. If you mean bhang, yes. God knows why the state excise department discriminates between the two. Bhang is available widely. In leaf form or as a laddu. If you mean athletes, umm, “performance boosters” made of suspect ingredients are ok.

Q Is drinking water or using the toilet allowed at Eden?

A: You are advised to consume not more than 250 ml water while at Eden, because then you will need to use the toilet. That is totally unadvisable.

Q Are there are other things about Eden a foreigner should know?

A: Do not come to Calcutta without prior knowledge about cricket. Whether you are from Netherlands or Norway, Brazil or Bolivia, a thorough knowledge of Sourav Ganguly is a must. Even if you are cheering Usain Bolt, you must wave posters of Sourav. Sachin Tendulkar is also ok. The lights may go off any time. In Eden, it’s called a technical failure. Outside, it’s called load-shedding.

Q What does one do when the lights go out?

A: One prays. Just like one does when one is caught in the traffic below the AJC Bose Road flyover as the schools get over.

Q What about travelling within the city?

A: You may have to do it on foot, in case there’s a bandh. There are usually two bandhs in quick succession — one called by the Left is followed by another called by Mamata and vice versa. (And don’t dare ask for a Nano!)

Q Who is Mamata?

A: Didi. Didi, didi, didi, didi, didi go, didi go…

Q What is a bandh?

A: Originally striking work, now another name for a public holiday in Bengal. People are happiest when a bandh is called at the beginning of a long weekend. All resorts at weekend getaways are then booked.

Q Is wearing short skirts ok?

A: No, though young Indian girls are doing it regularly nowadays. But a see-through sari is ok. It’s traditional. For a demo, purchase a DVD of Mohra or Mr India and watch Tip tip barsa paani and Kaate nahin kat te. These are songs.

Q Which places should one visit in the city?

A: Why, the new shopping malls of course. We strongly recommend South City Mall and Mani Square.

Q How should one deal with little beggar boys?

A: You cannot deal with them. They will deal with you. Especially in Sudder Street, which is known as Shudder Street. If putting up in Sudder Street, you are advised to take self-defence lessons first. There’s danger everywhere. They want your dollars. But rupee notes will also do.

Q What does one eat?

A: Calcutta is the food capital of India, whatever Delhiwallahs may have to say about it. Eat wherever you like — the food will taste good. But remember two sayings: Never Look into Restaurant Kitchens; Fish Cooked the Bengali Way will Always Come with its Share of Bones.

Q Is asking an Indian woman out for a drink ok? Or for dinner?

A: No. But you may leer at her as long as you want to. Groping is also permissible. Remember, you have to address her as ma or behen. We Indians, especially Bengalis, treat our women with respect.

What would you add to this list of instructions? Tell t2@abpmail.com