LAILA (shootout)

You remember those spam emails on how to “enhance your assets”? O Laila teri le legi, tu likh ke le le is like the final result. The biggest thing you remember about the movie is Sunny Leone’s you-know-what on the big screen. You know how every film has that one overpowering image you take home? Like in Titanic, it’s the Kate-Leo ‘king of the world’ pose and in Dabangg 2, it’s Salman saying ‘Hum tumpe itne chhed karengey…’. Well, in Shootout at Wadala, it’s Sunny ‘Laila’ Leone spilling out of her choli. Her boobs are, you have to admit, a separate character in the film. Pretty sure Ekta Kapoor paid Sunny ‘thrice’ the amount to do the item number!

The song is all good until John Abraham takes her surname (Leone = Lean On Me; blame the bad puns on the after-effects of watching the buns) seriously as he strokes her waist, swirls her sideways (*gasp* did he really spank her there?) and then turns her completely around and rides her like an imaginary horse. All this takes only a few seconds to transpire but suddenly you’re sitting upright in your seat and watching open-mouthed.

Priyanka in the bodycon which does far more justice to the song than the LED lights costume (below) modelled onBig B’s Yaarana

Before you can catch your breath, Laila is back, dressed like Tutankhamun, her treasures hidden behind that vertical patch of cloth between her legs as she stamps one foot on a chair. “I am monarch of all I survey,” she seems to say (sorry, William Cowper). She does that “sexy chaal”, shakes that “mast kamar”, jumps on him and wraps her legs around his waist and before you know it John Abraham (tongue out) is crashing into her twin towers and creating history.

Mission accomplished, Laila. Sunny side up.

Babli Badmaash (shootout)

Babli Badmaash is not half as bubbly or badmaash as Sunny Leone. The signature step may be a killer in this gangster thriller — you know, the gunshot move, where she places her fingers under her bubbles and triggers them off, living up to the film’s title Shootout at Wadala. But Piggy Chops plays it safe by showing little skin. She makes an entry in a Manish Malhotra costume with LED lights, a tribute to Big B’s Yaarana (shot in our very own Netaji Indoor), but it is the short bodycon she flashes in the Sunidhi Chauhan number that is the sexiest. She makes all the right noises, tells us, “na ban sharif tu” but barely gives us a reason to be otherwise. Fail.

 

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY (HIMMATWALA)

Don’t. Bother. Watching. The worst item number. Ever. Why is Sonakshi Sinha covered from neck to toe? Why clucking like a chicken. Why trying to do the moonwalk? Why...

AaLA RE AaLA (shootout)

In the film’s “comeback song” (John Abraham as Manya Surve the “baap of all gangsters” reclaims his position as leader), Sophie Choudry scores with her barely-there red-hot outfit. What the viewer sees is this tall, voluptuous woman in heels, swaying her tasselled hips on the bar top of a cowboy-style Texas-like bar. “Aag lagi hai, dhuan utha hai” croons Sunidhi Chauhan and things get hot, hot, hot from here. Paint those puckers red and you’ve got a hot enough piece of iron to strike. When she celebrates with Manya, the message is clear: women like powerful men. And well men, as we know by now, like item women.

Media Se (SAHEB, BIWI aur gangster returns)

Mugdha Godse’s thigh-high slit and deep-cut choli still can’t cover up her two left feet in this item number. She wiggles but where’s the sizzle?

Munni Badnaam Hui

The God Almighty of all item songs. NO one can shake it quite like Malaika Arora Khan. Those hips move ‘da bang’ effortlessly and we all know that her hips don’t lie (who’d say she’s a 39-year-old mother of one?!). When Chulbul Pandey’s bulbul smacks the sides of the buttocks of her hour-glass “poori botal ka nasha” figure to the tune of ‘Zandu balm’, the temperature rises and how! Throw in her killer facial expressions — eyes beckoning with a naughty twinkle, lips always slightly parted — and the flash of skin in that backless green choli and we’ve got an item number success formula that budhape ko bhi kar de jawan!

FEVICOL SE

Kareena’s face + Malaika’s base = item number that’s ace. What we mean is that while Kareena Kapoor was the item girl, close friend Malaika Arora Khan put the costumes and the props together. No wonder it had a swelling club of fans glued to it. The superhit track of 2011’s Dabangg 2 opens with the camera on Bebo’s well-toned derriere and flawless back in an itsy bitsy black choli. She pouts, clasps her hands in the famous “chipka le sainya Fevicol se” pose and pounds those hips to the beats. A couple of costume changes later, say hello to the white transparent kurti and flash of pink bra, Kareena is the tandoori murgi and just about everyone wants a piece.

HALKAT JAWAANI

Heroine may have tanked at the box office but Kareena had all the right grooves in this item number. It opens with close cuts of the womanly parts of her anatomy. In a kitsch-chic pink sari and tiny black blouse, Bebo sizzzzzles. She shakes a foot and winks an eye and everyone sighs. And when one of the props is a bucket, expect nothing less than a splash. She even rolls out in a blue carpet. Hai, hai! Night ki naughty kahani… yeh halkat jawaani.

Sheila Ki Jawani

The “I’m too sexy for you” raunchy item number from Tees Maar Khan has the maximum number of costume changes. You see Katrina in all the sexy avatars tried and tested down the ages — from a satin bedsheet that’s knotted above her hooters to boyfriend shirt and open tie (think Madonna). In between, Kats throws on a hot red tiny choli and sari followed by a seductive golden-nude choli and harem pants. But it’s not only what she looks like but what she moves like that makes the song. Before this, no one knew that this firangi babe could move her body like a cyclone. Well done, Farah Khan.

CHIKNI CHAMELI

After Sheila, Katrina returned as Chameli. This time, not subtle sexy but in-your-face raunchy in the remade Agneepath. She sticks her fingers into her mouth and whistles, flaunts those slimline curves and makes MJ turn in his grave with those crotch movements. Par yeh toh trailer hai. As the song progresses, tigress Kats taunts the bhookhein sheron (hungry lions) and then goes on a boob juggle to beat all boob juggles in B’wood. Left-right-up-down-right-left-down-up.... PT classes for Them. For once, K ats looks more crass than bootylicious, pahua chada ke. Just blame it on the juggle.

 

 

SUCCESS FORMULA OF AN ITEM NUMBER

Item girl’s name: Preferably two syllables like Munni, Sheila, Babli, Laila.

Surrounded by: Preferably a janta audience of ‘men only’ drinking desi liquor in a bar which makes it more sleazy.

Choli: The tinier, the better. Pair it with village-style dhoti pants, a sari or a skirt and you’ve got a hit. Pair it with nothing and it’s a superhit! Clearly, choli and what is peechhey is the champ of any item number.

Dhak-dhak step: Where there is choli, there will be dhak-dhak.

The thumka: To shift focus to the hips and the butt.

Expressions: Think naughty eyes, lips parted, seductive glances.

Props: To show who’s boss. Like a whip, chair (Laila), fire (Sheila) or bucket (Halkat jawaani).