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ACTION JACKSON (U/A)
Director: Prabhu Deva
Cast: Ajay Devgn, Sonakshi Sinha, Yaami Gautam, Manasvi Mamgai, Ananthraaj, Kunal Roy Kapoor
Running time: 145 minutes
Ever thought what it would feel like to have a nail slowly and painfully drilled through your head? Just walk into a show of Action Jackson to find out.
The Prabhu Deva film is 145 minutes of sheer torture, a nightmare where you are stuck with two exactly similar Ajay Devgns, dumb dodos passing off as heroines, a permanently over-sexed vamp and a villain who has more grunts written into his script than dialogues. Both offensive and regressive on many, many levels, Action Jackson makes Sajid Khan’s Humshakals seem like a masterpiece (there, we said it!).
Having faced this assault at 9am on a Friday and having lived to tell the tale, t2 lists 15 reasons why you shouldn’t be caught dead in the Action Jackson world.
1. It’s a world in which the heroine, prone to misfortune, thinks her luck has turned one day when she walks into a trial room by mistake and sees the hero with his pants down. So what does she do? She keeps chasing him around so that she can see him naked and even tags along a few friends for their share of ‘luck’. What do they call this free show? “Naughty darshan!”
2. It’s a world that defies gravity. Almost everything remains suspended in mid-air — dead bodies to wrecked cars and even a stream of tomato ketchup spurts vertically out of a bottle. At one point, Devgn’s underwear flies out of his hand and dangles in the air. Newton wouldn’t have been a happy man today.
3. It’s a world in which a man speaks but though his mouth moves, only barking sounds can be heard.
4. It’s a world in which Sonakshi’s Khushi swallows cornflakes straight out of the carton, gulps down some milk, chomps a spoonful of sugar and then shakes herself so that they all “mix” inside her stomach. No, it isn’t a pretty sight.
5. It’s a world in which Devgn’s sidekick Musa (Kunal Roy Kapoor) farts and the, er, wind is strong enough to spray a man’s face with the cup of tea he is holding in his hand! [In another scene, Musa riding pillion on a bike, has a plate of phuchkas in his hand. As the bike speeds down a busy Mumbai road, the phuchkas “fly” off one by one and land in the mouth of a man on a scooter behind him.]
6. It’s a world in which Puru Raaj Kumar plays a top cop. He delivers his lines in the style of dad Raaj Kumar.
7. It’s a world in which when a sword isn’t at hand, Devgn uses toothpicks to attack his enemy. He also choreographs his punches to the beats of a song being played by a live band. His dance steps will leave you scarred for life.
8. It’s a world in which hero kisses heroine and a baby promptly lands on her lap. The baby has Ajay Devgn’s face.
9. It’s a world in which smoke emanates out of the hero’s crotch (yes, to show that his b***s are on fire!) and he follows it up with: “Aata majhi phatli!”
10. It’s a world in which debutante Manasvi Mamgai speaks in a permanently orgasmic tone and has a tough time keeping her clothes on. You strongly suspect she thought she had signed up for a bra commercial.
[The villain Xavier (Ananthraaj) has a glass eye that looks like a mini CD and sports a permanent blood splatter on his bald head. It’s supposed to be a birthmark.]
11. It’s a world in which Yaami Gautam’s only function is to be kicked and shoved around, with her face being permanently layered with bruises and bumps. No, not even Fair & Lovely can help.
12. It’s a world in which Yaami’s Anusha has been through three operations and is laid up in a hospital bed with a broken spine, but her glossy lipstick remains intact.
13. It’s a world in which Prabhu Deva becomes Quentin Tarantino and Action Jackson his Kill Bill — from the sword-fighting scenes to the blood-splattered opening credits on a yellow background. Thankfully, Devgn doesn’t wear yellow spandex.
14. It’s a world in which every time someone lands in Bangkok, a song called Sawadeeka Khapun Khap begins to play. That’s ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ in Thai. And just in case you didn’t get it, someone starts singing Bangkok, Bangkok!
15. It’s a world where you have to put up with lines like: “My way or sky way” and “No commitment, no appointment, only punishment”. At one point, Devgn smirks: “I am criminally good”.
Criminally bad, this. PS: Doesn’t deserve ratings.
