Aaj blue hai Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny

Phir lootenge money money money money money money

Aajaao to the theatre yaar

Loud uski cheekh

Phooti kismat hogi teri

Gar tujhko darr na aani

Bollywood’s new golden goose — the actual translation of “Baby doll tu sone di” — has been ordered to hatch more eggs. Sunny side up, of course. What is the need to get into the skin of any other character when your own skin is India’s most wanted? So, Sunny Leone in and as Sunny the blue film actor.

In fact, they have created an all-new genre for the lady. For all these years Hollywood has been making the sleaze-and-spook flicks but no one thought of calling it horrex cinema. Horror + sex, you see. Its objective? To throw you in a dilemma: “Darr ke maare mummy ke paas jaaye ya excitement ke maare girlfriend ke paas jaaye?”

So how does this work exactly? Simple. Sunny in her lingerie walking slowly up and down dark corridors for half the film. Doors should creak and almirahs should knock at the right intervals for her to keep thrusting.

At other times, some male member of the cast would make love to Sunny and just for variety someone else will fantasise about making love to Sunny. Even when possessed by the spirit, she can seduce men and take them to bed before showing her powder-and-ketchup face.

But even Sukhen Das could have come up with these scenes; where’s the novelty in that? How do we pull in Sunny ke laakhon deewane who have been buffering, playing, slo-mo-ing, loading and downloading her for years?

Okay, there would also be this set-piece where someone would laugh at her profession of being a porn actor and then she would show how it’s done. Like how? She would moan and moan and moan and build up a fake orgasm. Fake for her that is. Not bad, getting there. Anything else? What if there is this scene where she feels that someone’s got inside her and she checks her mouth in the mirror. Er... why would she do that? We can show in extreme close-up how deep her throat is!

Creative, very creative. But what can be the money shot, er Sunny shot? Hmm... we have only seen her with men in Hindi films. What if she kisses another woman on screen?

Excellent. But how can all this be infused in the Ragini MMS franchise? Oh, that’s the easiest part. They are making a new film on the events of the first film and Sunny plays Ragini. Doodh ka doodh, Sunny ka Sunny!

And in the film when Sunny goes to meet the Ragini from the first film in the asylum to research her character, someone quips: “Research? Yeh porno se Rituparno kaise ban gayee?” Now, who would have imagined Sunny Leone to be mentioned with Ghosh and company? Blame it all on the chaar botal vodka.