It’s a video we all have been waiting for. On Thursday night, All India Back***d’s (AIB) ‘Knockout’ featuring Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor taking on a slew of insults chin up in front of a packed house hit YouTube and became a talking point in the virtual world. The first of a three-part series, the epic 
23-minute video had the two Bolly brats being ‘roasted’ by the AIB men — stand-up comics Ashish Shakya, Rohan Joshi, Tanmay Bhat and Gursimran Khamba — along with Roadies man Raghu Ram, film critic Rajeev Masand and comedians Abhish Mathew and Aditi Mittal. The roastmaster — and scene-stealer — of the evening? Director-producer Karan Johar. 

The starry audience included Deepika Padukone, Sonakshi Sinha, Alia Bhatt and filmmakers Homi Adajania, Anurag Kashyap and Vikramaditya Motwane. The most sporting of them all: KJo’s mother Hiroo Johar, who laughed out loud everytime someone took a dig at her son. The following are the highlights of the insane show. And hey, this is just Part I!

AIB introduces roastmaster KJo

Voiceover: Karan Johar.... A pilot, a sailor, a model, an actor, an architect... are all men he will happily f***! 

Karan Johar: Thank you for the introduction. My mother is in the audience and she will need an ambulance at the end of the night! Roasting Arjun Kapoor and Ranveer Singh in front of the who’s-who tonight are the who… the f*** are these guys? 

[Turns to the AIB ‘panel’] Why are you so poor and ugly? Who found you? Anurag Kashyap? 

[To the audience] You get three stars — Ranveer, Arjun and me — for just 4,000 bucks. Rajeev (Masand) usually charges (Rs) 5 lakh for all those stars (in his reviews). Don’t laugh Rajeev, I have the receipt!

Tonight we celebrate the fact that the audience has paid to watch yet another two-hour-long shit with Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor’s faces on it. Two actors so terrible that even I refused to launch them! 

Ranveer and Arjun’s entry

Ranveer and Arjun enter dressed as boxers to the beats of their Gunday hit Tu ne maari entriyaan. They dance, they do chest bumps and Ranveer even manages to plant a quick kiss on girlfriend Deepika Padukone’s cheek, who is sitting in the front row! 

On stage, Ranveer kisses Karan smack on the lips and tells the crowd: “I have been doing more than that to him for four years and he still won’t cast me in a f***ing movie.” 

When Arjun tries to follow suit, KJo shoos him off with: “I don’t like hairy men!”

KJo lets it rip

KJo: [Introduces the two boys] We are going to beat the shit out of the hottest, young talent of Bollywood today... and Arjun Kapoor, as well. 
 

What do you call a dashing, talented superstar who women are dying to be with?” [Both Ranveer and Arjun smile] ... Ranbir Kapoor! 

LOL…   Karan Johar style

KJo: I’m not saying that Ranveer Singh does shit films, but the last good thing he was in... was Deepika Padukone!

[Hearing this, Deepika laughs till she cries] 

Ranveer completed four years in acting... that’s one year of acting and three years of getting over Anushka Sharma.

[Ranveer buries his head in his hands] 

Arjun Kapoor... once upon a time, you used to be fat and ugly.... well done on the weight loss! You dropped those kilos faster than Deepika dropped her dating standards! [on DP’s transition from RK to RS]

Arjun, you flunked your Class XII. Which means technically you are not even qualified to be a bus conductor… which is a shame because you would have sold far more tickets then! 

Arjun, you played an IIM student in 2 States and you are so illiterate that the only IIM student you could play was Chetan Bhagat!

In 2 States, Arjun Kapoor played a Punjabi guy who falls for a hot south Indian, so basically he played Boney Kapoor (who married Sridevi)! [Arjun laughs so hard he falls on the floor]

‘Doing it’ the AIB way

Time for the panel to heap insults on the boys. First up is Ashish Shakya.

KJo introduces Ashish: If you were any blacker, Angelina Jolie would have adopted you. 

Ashish’s retort: Can we please have a round of applause for our opening act ‘junior’ comedian Karan Johar? Can I thank the entire panel for ‘coming out’ today... and Karan for not! Parineeti Chopra is not here tonight because we told her that she would get f***ed by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people. Karan Johar is here tonight because we told him he would get f***ed by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people! 

(To Ranveer and Arjun) Ranveer, you did an ad for Durex. It’s the first time I saw a condom being endorsed by an STD (sexually transmitted disease). 

I’m not saying that Ranveer is hyper, but Preity Zinta just tried to snort him backstage! 

I like this couple. Deepika is a state-level badminton player while Ranveer is a national-level sex offender! 

Ranveer will not admit it, but Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is his favourite film [KJo smiles]. Even now, he reaches out for a box of tissues... because he’s the only guy who will jerk off to Farida Jalal!

Raghu Ram is up next. 

KJo’s two lines for the Roadies man: He’s the loud, classless tumour responsible for the Roadies. Dude, you look like Vishal Dadlani got chemo! 

Raghu’s retort: Karan, I watched My Name Is Khan the other day, Khan from the epiglottis. I must say the film is shit... shit from the anus. 

(To Ranveer and Arjun) You two send out the message that if you work hard and if you persevere enough, then you can suck Adi (Aditya) Chopra’s c**k. [Ranveer and Arjun gesture like they are sucking you-know-what!] 

Ranveer dug a hole in Lootera somewhere in Bengal. Which only goes to show that no matter how remote, dangerous or smelly a hole is, Ranveer Singh will enter it! 

Next up is Gursimran Khamba

Gursimran: Karan Johar... Director, producer, actor, writer... You are four guys in one. Exactly how you like it! 
Karan is best friends now with Anurag Kashyap so that he can get some indie cred. It’s the first time someone has slept their way to the bottom! [Anurag Kashyap cracks up in the audience] 

Arjun failed the 12th standard and after that he lost a lot of weight. He’s Smriti Irani in reverse! 

We wanted to get Ranbir Kapoor for the show, but we only managed Ranveer. Which is also what Deepika did, so I guess it’s okay!

Watch out for Part II and III… er, coming soon! 

Are KJo, Ranveer and Arjun the most sporting guys in Bollywood? 
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