BILLU

The Badshah of Bollywood has been seen in more bad films than good. And while he has played an exaggerated version of his superstar self in films like Om Shanti Om pretty successfully, we pick 2009’s Billu in which Shah Rukh Khan played a movie star as one of his below-average performances. True, there was none of the Raj-Rahul hangover, true the staccato laugh was absent, but Shah Rukh’s Sahir Khan — despite the emotional speech towards the end — came a very poor second to Irrfan’s believable Billu.

DEVDAS

Does speaking in a quivering voice (remember “babuji ne kahaa gaon chhod do, sabne kahaa Paro ko chhod do, Paro ne kahaa sharaab chhod do…), droopy-eyed, holding a bottle, make one a credible Devdas? If only Shah Rukh’s Devdas in Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s 2002 film was a patch on his childhood idol Dilip Kumar’s take on the character. Although he did win a number of awards for the film, SRK as Devdas was a misfit from reel one to reel 16, dhoti and the accented Bangla included. Eeesh!

HUM TUMHARE HAIN SANAM

We will understand if you can’t even remember this long-in-the-making K.C. Bokadia film. But for those who do, Shah Rukh’s shifty-eyed suspicious husband act was intolerable from start to finish. When he laughed, he got your goat and when he cried, he got your goat. Why didn’t Madhuri just dump him and run away with Salman? Ask Mr Boka(dia).

 

 

 

CHANDNI CHOWK TO CHINA

As a Chandni Chowk vegetable cutter who is mistaken as the reincarnation of a celebrated Chinese warrior, Akshay Kumar’s bizarre act was a three-hour torture for the audience. Remember the pigtail and the desperate-to-tickle dialogues? We’ve seen better stuff from Akshay. Even in worse films than CC2C.

 

KHILADIYON KA KHILADI

Despite their popularity, every Khiladi film, after the first, has charted a new low for Akshay. We pick this one in which Akki played an undercover agent in America trying to trace his lost brother. Jumping off airplanes and sparring with female WWF wrestlers apart, remember the rolling in the mud sequence with Rekha’s Madam Maya? In the night, no control! Arrey Paaji, control yaar, control...

 

BLUE

Boooooooo! That’s the only way to describe Akshay’s blah performance in this Rs 120 crore disaster. Remember the overdone smugness? Remember the trite dialogue delivery? Remember his Aarav’s irritating habit of addressing Sanjay Dutt’s Sagar as Sethji(!) throughout the film? The only thing about Akshay that we almost liked was the cool salt and pepper goatee. We said almost.

 

YAADEIN

Superstar Hrithik Roshan in super-hit director Subhash Ghai’s film sounded like a dream project on paper. But as a poor little rich boy who falls in love with a poor little poor girl, Roshan Jr. was a far cry from the earnest lover and the suave playboy of his debut hit Kaho Naa... Pyaar Hai. And every time he went “Monishkaaaaaa”, the audience went “Aaaaaaarrrgh!”

 

 

AAP MUJHE ACHCHE LAGNE LAGE

If this Vikram Bhatt film was bad, then Hrithik was super bad. Remember the awkward jig to the title track and the fact that he bawled even harder than heroine Ameesha Patel? Aap humein achche nahin lage, Hrithik!

 

MAIN PREM KI DIWANI HOON

We couldn’t decide who was more irritating in this Chitchor remake? The multicoloured talking parrot or a nyaka cry-baby Hrithik in his multicoloured shirts!

 

 

 

 

 

MANGAL PANDEY

Maybe because this was an Aamir Khan film after four years, maybe we were dying to see how the perfectionist would bring alive the legendary soldier, maybe we were hoping to watch another Lagaan, but Aamir as Mangal Pandey was a sore disappointment. And the film was a bore. The moustache, the heavy dialogues, the song and dance — Ketan Mehta’s magnum opus wasn’t at all mangala mangala.

RAJA HINDUSTANI

The illiterate taxi driver act was earnest but irritating. And the suspicious insecure husband post-interval was unwatchable. Aamir has often said that he would like to change a lot about the Dharmesh Darshan-directed Raja Hindustani and we are inclined to agree with him. Even the two-minute liplock with Karisma Kapoor was contrived compared to the one with the other Kapoor sister Kareena in 3 Idiots. So what if it was a huge hit?

 

MELA

What is it about Dharmesh Darshan films that get the worst out of Aamir? Essaying a Veeru-inspired character, Aamir was an OTT player in this road movie which co-starred brother Faisal. The pee-in-a-bottle sequence ripped off from Dumb & Dumber was a new low. And Twinkle’s cleavage was a bigger draw than Aamir’s acting.

 

YUVVRAAJ

From wearing a hat, dancing with a cat and romancing Kat, Salman Khan did all he could in the first half of this Subhash Ghai box-office dud. Halfway through the film, however, the unpredictable actor lost interest in the project — and it showed. His performance was only a shade better than that of Zayed Khan. And that isn’t a compliment.

MARIGOLD

It’s American… it’s British… It’s Indian…. Anyone who has managed to sit though Salman’s first “international” film, has had to suffer the actor’s weird Bandra-meets-Boston accent. And his horrendous acting. Of course, Salman had serious competition from stiff and staid Holly import Ali Larter. And a mute Gulshan Grover!

HELLO BROTHER

Salman played a ghost called Hero who farts unapologetically in the film. Why? Your ‘gas’ is as good as ours.

 

 

 

 

KYA KEHNA

Pitted against Preity Zinta’s feisty unwed mother act, Saif Ali Khan’s performance as the man who refuses to be a man came a cropper. The Aashiq Awara hairstyle, the strange twang and the general lost-boy look didn’t go down well with the audience. Even Chandrachur Singh performed — and looked! —better.

NEHLLE PE DEHLLA

Does anyone even remember this film? Saif sure does, for Nehlle Pe Dehlla will go down in history as one of his worst films. This long-stuck-in-the-cans comedy co-starring Sanjay Dutt had the Chhote Nawab even turning up dressed as a woman and going on a date with another man! Tsk, tsk…

TASHAN

Anil Kapoor apart, Saif was easily the worst thing about this awful film. Blonde wig, handlebar moustache, garish silk shirts and horrid acting — wonder what Kareena saw in him on the sets of Tashan!