On this day, he shall have the right to...

Not have the door banged on his face after an argument

Not sleep on the couch after an argument

Not brush his teeth, preferably

Grow, in every possible way. By not shaving, not paring the nails, but most particularly, not bathing. If the going gets too tough, there’s always body spray. (Ever wondered how much deo a man uses?)

Not make the bed

Not clean the toilet floor

Walk all over the house immediately after the floor has been mopped

Wonder what if Katrina Kaif dressed like Mallika Sherawat

Think of Megan Fox, off and on

Think of Nigella Lawson, off and on

Think of a few women in sexy lingerie. Then without the lingerie

Add a moustache to a Madhuri Dixit magazine photo in a moment of pure inspiration

Think passingly of starring in a real-life Hangover film set in Las Vegas with his best buddies. Minus, the tiger

Think passionately about bungee jumping off a New Zealand peak, on a trip there minus wifey

Think obsessively about a night-out in

sinful Pattaya, of pole dancers in restaurants and cabaret performances in the middle of Walking Street. Minus wifey, again

Display himself in just a towel

Spread wet towels anywhere and everywhere. Wet towels look best when sprawled across the bed

Drill holes in the sofa with cigarette butts

Fill up ashtrays with cigarette stubs, bits of paper and chewing gum

Fill up the sofa with himself

Bring out his BIG AEROPLANE BOOK that he loved when he was six.

Chew on the cheroot that was gifted to him by his best friend and talk about Havana. The effect is kind of 3-D

Pass off`empty soda bottles rolling on the floor as furniture

Refuse to talk when an IPL match is on

Refuse to talk in anything but monosyllables

Refuse to talk

Refuse to go grocery shopping

Refuse to go to the gym

Refuse to watch Saffola ads

Refuse to eat anything that is cooked at home. Then go and fetch a chicken bucket from KFC

Let torn ketchup and mustard sachets redecorate the floor, paper napkins fly and order-a-pizza leaflets leap up, flutter in the air and nosedive without interruption. The scene looks a bit like Picasso’s Guernica, vicious and bloody, and still bleeding. The KFC meal has ended

Draw blood. Kill cockroaches. A lizard too. Abuse fellow drivers

Think of nice abuse words. And use them

Save voluptuous Playboy models as screensavers

Send a few haunting text messages to former girlfriends

Eat 30 phuchkas/rosogollas at a go. Then sigh: “That used to be 50 when I was young.”

Say: “I knew that the driver was a woman.”

Say: “My socks don’t smell. Your nose does!”

Say: “Why can’t I ever have the last word?”

Drink anything between 10am and 10pm. After 10pm, only whisky

Put Einsten’s IQ, Bill Gates’s billions and John Abraham’s body

together and calculate if that is really an improvement on him

Dream of a woman who understands the difference between long leg and silly point. Or is it a silly woman with long legs?

Dream of a woman whose dream date is watching Formula One on TV

Dream of a year-long paternity leave.

Sleep. Despite problems such as wife, girlfriend, boss, colleagues, in-laws, meetings….

But when was sleep ever a problem for men?

THINGS MEN WANT TO HEAR

(On MEN’S DAY and otherwise)

You look great

That girl is checking you out

You are right and I am wrong (this from a woman)

Cricket is a great game (this from a woman, again)

You look like Brad Pitt/ John Abraham/ Uttam Kumar

You are perfect