Kate Middleton and Prince William at their engagement in November last year; (below) Kate on the cover of Hello! magazine

Excuse me, why do they call her Waity Katie?

Not you again! Why can’t you be normal and go and play cricket or do a bit of eve-teasing?

Did Waity Katie get teased a lot?

Yes, but only by girls.

Why?

Because she got the prince and they didn’t. Miss Catherine Middleton is all set to marry her Prince Charming at Westminster Abbey on April 29. Lots of girls at St Andrew’s University tried but William had eyes only for Kate.

How did she manage that?

I shouldn’t be telling you this but William saw her strutting her stuff at a college fashion show in clothes that left little to the imagination and that was it.

I’d like to see a picture, for research purposes only…

And I’d like to give you a clip round the ear…

Sorry, what happened next?

The rest is British history. She persuaded him not to quit university though he switched from history of art to geography. The examiners gave the future king a decent upper second otherwise it might have been off with their heads.

But who called her Waity Katie?

That was a taunt from jealous girls, including some singletons on tabloid newspapers. They poked fun at her for waiting and waiting and waiting for William to pop the question. She had been his patient girlfriend since Christmas 2003. She did go off in a huff in 2007 but they were back together pretty quickly.

So am I right in thinking they have been having sex, like Abhishek Bachchan and Vidya Balan as Cambridge students in Paa?

I will ignore that question… honestly, what’s happening with our children?

I will take that as a yes.

Well, society has become much more liberal in England so that even royal brides are no longer expected to be virgins on their wedding day. It was different when William’s parents married in 1981. The Lady Diana Spencer was only 19 and innocent. But, sadly, Camilla replaced her, Diana’s life ended in tragedy, which is why everyone wants the best for her boys, William and Harry.

No tension, boss, but you have been wearing a worried look...

Well, yes, it’s that Hello! thing. She’s on the cover of the glossy magazine this week.

Isn’t that good?

A bird’s-eye view of Westminster Abbey where the royal wedding will take place on April 29

No, legend has it that smug celebrities who invite readers to share their overflowing cup of happiness invariably get struck down by the “Curse of Hello!” But I guess the coverage was unsolicited. Everyone hopes the royal couple will quickly produce an heir and a spare, though among A-listers it is more the vogue these days to have a couple of children first before getting married — if at all. It’s even more trendy to be gay and have a partner.

I don’t think I understand any of this.

Never mind.

I am going to watch the wedding live on television.

They are expecting a television audience of perhaps three billion and calling it “the wedding of the century”.

She will look drop dead gorgeous in a red Benarasi sari, no?

Don’t be silly. Her white wedding gown is being stitched in total secrecy, some say inside Buckingham Palace. No one knows who the designer is or what the dress will look like until she alights from her limousine at the entrance to Westminster Abbey. William, who is training as a search and rescue helicopter pilot, will probably wear his RAF military uniform — Kate thinks it’s very sexy.

The Queen and Kate’s mum must have a lot to discuss before the Big Day?

As a matter of fact, no. The Queen refuses to meet Carole Middleton, who is a former air-hostess, until the actual wedding. It hasn’t helped that at William’s passing-out parade, the TV cameras caught Mrs Middleton chewing gum!

Hope she won’t stick it on her pew in Westminster Abbey. Can anyone get in?

No, there are only 1,700 places inside Westminster Abbey. There will be lots of elderly royal relatives, many of them senile, plus heads of state though not Obama. Westminster Abbey was where Diana’s funeral was held in 1997 but this was also where the Queen married Philip in 1947, Princess Margaret married the photographer Anthony Armstrong-Jones in 1960, and Prince Andrew married Sarah Ferguson in 1986. The royal family were not very keen on inviting “Fergie” to the wedding, though.

Is that because she and “Randy Andy” are divorced?

I am impressed with your grasp of English history. But no, half the royal family are on second marriages. Fergie has been persona non grata ever since she was “papped” sucking the toes of her American financial consultant, John Bryan.

That sounds very tickly — and disgusting!

The English derive sexual pleasure in unorthodox ways. Elderly judges pay handsomely to be whipped by young women in leather corsets, for example.

Who’s paying for the wedding?

The Queen and the Middletons, with the taxpayer footing the massive bill for security. Right after the wedding, the Queen will host a buffet lunch for 500-600 at Buckingham Palace. But the really exclusive party is the dinner dance Prince Charles is giving in the evening at Buckingham Palace. Kate and William are allowed 100 guests each.

Any Indians?

I guess not. Lady Gabriella Windsor, the daughter of Prince and Princess Michael of Kent, who is coming, did have an Indian boyfriend once but she is no longer with Aatish Taseer. May be the Maharaja and Maharani of Jodhpur will be invited — they should, considering the amount of hospitality Charles and Camilla have enjoyed at Umaid Bhavan.

Isn’t that where Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar got married?

Hurley will definitely not be asked — she was busy with Shane Warne in Los Angeles a couple of weekends ago. But Posh and David Beckham are likely to be asked — he did England’s football World Cup bid with William.

In the evening, it will be mostly English aristocracy among their own kind — William’s friends from Eton — plus people Kate and William knew at St Andrew’s. But Kate’s best friend from Marlborough School, a girl called Jessica Hay, is off the list. She told the tabloids Kate wasn’t always a goody two shoes — she used to bare her bottom and moon at the boys’ boarding houses from her dorm window.

Will she do that after marriage?

I sincerely hope not, especially from the windows of Buckingham Palace. She will never become Queen Catherine if she does. After marriage, she will be Waity Katie no longer but Her Royal Highness the Duchess of something or the other or, at the least, The Princess William.

So the bottomline will be ladylike behaviour at all times!

My turn to ask a question — haven’t you got a home to go to?