Anil Kapoor, the international superstar from India, has a new Mission Impossible. He cannot allow any copy of his new home production No Problem to swim across the Pacific and land up in his new hometown, LA. He knows that it won’t even take the Holly honchos 24 minutes to send him back dancing (if you can call it that) on the Mumbai streets to My name is Lakhan. As part of his mission he has given us an assignment to identify some of the problems with No Problem. Here goes...

Problem 1: Anil Kapoor plays a cop in the film called Arjun who gets shot quite early on. Unfortunately, he doesn’t die. Out of the 14 bullets that hit him, 12 are taken out by the doctor. Two stay in his stomach and whenever they move around, he starts laughing. Gudgudi hoti hai, naa!

Problem 2: Sushmita Sen, who plays Anil’s wife, has a disease that strikes her at any given time of day — she wants to kill her husband with whatever she can lay her hands on. For the rest of the day, she is his doting wife.

Problem 3: Akshaye Khanna plays a drag queen in a never-ending scene where he tries to seduce Anil Kapoor. And he doesn’t have to try too hard.

Problem 4: Suniel Shetty has a biggish role. That too as the villain.

Problem 5: Different people call Suniel Shetty different names. Some call him Marcus, some Marcos, some Maa ki...

Problem 6: Suniel Shetty plays the piano in a scene, but there’s no audio on the soundtrack.

Problem 7: Kangana Ranaut speaks English.

Problem 8: Ewwwweeee dooooon’t get thee prebhious poblem!

Problem 9: One of the villain’s sidekicks was electrocuted once and became a conductor of current. Whoever he touches receives an electric shock.

Problem 10: Ranjeet and Shakti Kapoor do not get to molest anyone.

Problem 11: In a South African village, a son of the soil sings on the street: “Chakku chhooriyan tez karalo...”

Problem 12: In a marriage sequence, a junior artiste in a chiffon sari just cannot stop scratching her bum.

Problem 13: Anees Bazmee references his own filmography. There is the Sardarji dance sequence and silent-man-in-a-wheelchair from Singh is Kinng, the suspicious wife returning home suddenly from No Entry, gangsters becoming part of a movie shoot from Welcome.

Problem 14: The chimpanzees in the film are Maneka Gandhi-friendly. Not because they fart around but because they are actually men in chimp body suits. (Sanjay Dutt plays a human.)

Problem 15: After he finds Sushmita too old and Kangana too thin, one ape-man starts fondling Neetu Chandra like good ol’ King Kong. She likes it.

Problem 16: There are many more problems but we can’t possibly waste any more space on them.

If you still have no problem in watching No Problem, then... no problem! And perhaps you can help Anilbhai and send your own set of problems with the film to t2@abpmail.com.