Every time you find Naseeruddin Shah on the poster of a new film, a film which you’ve never heard of and are unlikely to remember later, you start guessing why he could have said ‘yes’. Of course, money is the obvious allure, given that everyone from Brando to Pacino has admitted to the greed for the green behind taking part in vehicles of mass embarrassment.

But there’s always something more. Maybe the script, maybe a friend, maybe one scene, maybe the location. Rather than following the serpentine plot of the film or dissecting the shoddy performances of the rest of the cast, it was more exciting to try and crack why a Naseeruddin Shah would agree to get himself entangled in Charlie Kay Chakkar Mein.

So having watched the film, I tried to imagine how that all-important meeting between Naseer saab and the makers of the movie might have gone. Let’s call them Charlie.

Naseer: You can leave the script and go.
Charlie: Sir, I can see hundreds of scripts behind on that desk. Do you even read them?
Naseer: [Familiar wry grin]

Charlie: We have to start shoot, Sir. We can’t do the film without you.
Naseer: Who’s the director?
Charlie: Manish Srivastav.
Naseer: New guy?
Charlie: He made a film called Go in 2007 for Ram Gopal Varma.
Naseer: You need to Go. Now.

Charlie: Sir, we are really banking on you. You are our last hope.
Naseer: I don’t do this kind of films.
Charlie: But you have...
[Awkward silence]
Naseer: They paid me a lot of money.
Charlie: I’m sure we can keep a big part of the budget for you.

Naseer: Who else is there?
Charlie: All new people. Some from theatre. Good actors.
Naseer: They don’t have names?
Charlie: There’s Anand Tiwari who was Ajit in Dibakar’s Byomkesh. There’s Amit Sial, who was in Titli.

Naseer: What is it about?
Charlie: Oh, it’s a fascinating story, Sir. A few friends get embroiled in the murder of an underworld don. Then they have to go and finish a cocaine deal. But everyone is lying. You don’t know whom to trust.
Naseer: Can I trust you?
Charlie: [Shy smile]

Naseer: You want me to play the don who gets bumped off early in the film?
Charlie: No no, Sir. You play the police chief, who’s investigating the case.
Naseer: No, no not again. No more of that.
Charlie: Sir, you don’t have to wear the uniform. Just a simple white shirt. Throughout the film.
Naseer: This guy doesn’t take a bath? Has no other shirts?
Charlie: No, it’s just a couple of days in the film. And you are in that one room in the police station.
Naseer: And what am I doing?
Charlie: You are watching a handycam video shot by one of the friends.
Naseer: For how long?
Charlie: For like half the movie, about 80 per cent of your screen time.
Naseer: So it’s one set, one costume, one look?
Charlie: Exactly, Sir.
[Thought bubbles brewing]

Naseer: Nah, not feeling motivated enough.
Charlie: There is a back massage scene, Sir. Long scene. It’s a foreigner in a bikini giving the massage.
Naseer: Hmmmmm. But tell me, who’s playing Charlie?
Charlie: Sir, Charlie is the code name for cocaine. No one’s playing him. It’s playing everyone.
Naseer: That is true.
[More awkward silence]

Naseer: Listen, I can do the film but in the end I have to be revealed as the main villain.
Charlie: But Sir, you are the police chief.
Naseer: Doesn’t matter. Anything is possible — no, not on Nikitasha Kitchenette — if you are Charlie ke chakkar mein.

Pratim D.Gupta
Charlie Kay Chakkar Mein is the year’s worst film because....
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