Zinedine Zidane and Marco Materazzi

Place: Somewhere on a soccer field

Time: A year after the infamous ‘head butt’ at the 2007 Football World Cup final

Materazzi: Hey there, heard you had retired. What are you doing on a soccer field?

Zidane: (Grunts and ignores Materazzi.)

Materazzi: I heard you got a lot of post-retirement offers from Spanish Matadors. They have apparently claimed that they are yet to see a head butt like the one you gave me… hehehehe…. It still hurts, by the way.

Zidane: (Grunts and ignores him again.)

Materazzi: Do you know that a host of animated games have come up post-head butt? Although most are of you head-butting me, there is one of in which the roles are reversed. I earn royalty from it. You want a share from the other ones? Now since you are retired, you might be able to use the money. For your sis. What say?

Zidane: (Grunts and charges at Materazzi. Wham! Materazzi gets the head butt yet again and yet another tell-all book contract.)

 

Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan

Place: On a lonely road somewhere between Mannat and Prateeksha

Time: In the dead of the night

Amitabh: Mere paas do National Award aur bahut saare ‘Best Actor’ awards hain. Mere parivaar mein Miss World hai. Abhishek, Aishwarya aur mujhe milaa ke hamari brand equity karoron mein hai. Mere paas Anil Ambani aur Amar Singh hai. Tumhare paas kya hain?

Shah Rukh: Mere paas (momentary pause) six pack hai!

 

Amitabh Bachchan and Sonia Gandhi

Place: At an airport abroad

Time: Sometime in the future

Amitabh comes face to face with Sonia. Both seem uncomfortable. Amitabh breaks the ice.

Amitabh (in a slightly sarcastic voice): Hi Sonia, good to see you after such a long time.

Sonia: Hi Amit, good to see you too. Although I do catch glimpses of you on television. You are always there somewhere, behind Amar Singh. It always helps to brush up my Hindi.

Amitabh: Yes, I too see you on TV sometimes, but less than me, for you don’t get ads. But you Gandhis are the rajas while we Bachchans are the runks.

Sonia: How can that be possible? For you are Shahenshah, Muqaddar ka Sikander, Lal Badshah and Sarkar — you are the king of Bollywood.

Amitabh: No, no I am nothing but a poor farmer!

 

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

Place: Los Angeles County Superior Court

Time: A month from now

Kevin: See what you have done to yourself. You have been to rehab, you shaved off your head (and God knows what else!), you lost custody of the children and now you have landed in a hospital. You were once named by Forbes magazine as the “World’s most powerful celebrity”. And now…

Britney: A has-been popstar like me is any day better than a wannabe popstar like you.

Kevin: Your music would put even an amateur to shame. What kind of a song is Slave for you?

Britney: Look at yourself. You can’t even make up your mind whether you are a dancer, a singer, a model or an actor.

Kevin: I should have never married you.

Britney: Oh! No one says that before I do!

Sourav Ganguly and Greg Chappell

Place: Somewhere in Australia — Chappell is on vacation and Sourav is in Aussie land for the cricket series

Time: Sometime in the near future

Sourav: So Mr Chappell, look at me today. I am back in the team scoring runs while you have gone from being Team India coach to the nondescript post of an adviser to the Rajasthan Cricket Association.

Chappell: Every dog has his day, mate. My time will come soon too. And this panga with the Australian team is going to cost India dear.

Sourav: We will see that when the time comes, Greg. As for now, I will throw at you a phrase that the Bengal CM has given new life to: “You have been paid back in your own coin. Hahahahahaha. Hereby I, Sourav Ganguly, have the last laugh.”