It’s not often that I go to see a sex movie at 4pm on a Friday afternoon. In fact, never. But these were exceptional circumstances.

The manager of the Odeon in London’s Leicester Square added to the sense of anticipation by coming on stage to welcome the audience, which included a remarkable number of not older men in raincoats, but excited young Indian women. So, preceded by its notoriety, there clearly is a market for this film, especially among women in India.
“The premiere of Fifty Shades of Grey was held here last night, ladies and gentlemen, with people in the very seats you are now occupying,” announced the manager. “So enjoy.”

This is the kind of film in which Sharmila Tagore would detect artistic merit as a member of the Cannes jury, but would almost certainly refuse to endorse as head of the Indian censor board. So far as sex scenes and nudity are concerned, there are surely many other movies which are much more explicit — for example, the French film about lesbian love, Blue is the Warmest Colour, which won the Palme d’Or at Cannes in 2013 (on the strength of her performance, Lea Seydoux has become a Bond girl, incidentally, in Spectre).

The question to ask is what would the local audience make of it if Fifty Shades of Grey were to be released at Mini Jaya in north Calcutta?

Despite advance ticket sales based purely on its reported sexual content, the film turns out to be remarkably engaging.
Anastasia Steele, a young literature student in America with a special interest in Thomas Hardy, genuinely falls in love with Christian Grey, a very wealthy young man who is generous to her in almost every way, buys her a car and takes her up in his personal helicopter and glider (shades here of the Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway starrer, The Thomas Crown Affair).

But what she cannot fathom is why in his “playroom”, equipped with ropes, whips, belts, handcuffs, masking tape, cable ties and every manner of equipment required for bondage and sadomasochism, he must play the “dominant” and she the “submissive”?

To him pain is pleasure and pleasure is pain, as is the way with sex in so many in the western world. Thus, the Mini Jaya audience will probably be baffled by the proposition that Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, has to inflict pain on the girlfriend he cares for in order to obtain sexual gratification.

Dakota Johnson, who turns in a very convincing performance as Anastasia Steele, is the pretty girl-next-door without being devastatingly beautiful. Jamie Dornan is a northern Irish actor who recently played a serial killer with a penchant for abducting and torturing young women in a gripping British television drama, The Fall. Pursuing him was a Scotland Yard detective played by the ice maiden, Gillian Anderson.

So when Anastasia is tied up in Christian’s playroom, it almost looks as though Dornan is picking up where he left off in The Fall.

Fifty Shades has been cleared for viewing by an 18-plus audience in the UK (but 12-plus in France). There is also a warning that it contains “Strong Sex”.

The early sex scenes between Anastasia and Christian are pretty much boy-meets-girl stuff but some of the dialogues hint at the darkness that is due to descend.

‘I DON’T MAKE LOVE. I F***... HARD’

Anastasia is intrigued that Christian, so utterly confident and sure of himself — “I’m used to getting my way” — has not gone beyond kissing her, initially in a lift.Her lip wobbles when she is aroused. “I would like to bite that lip,” he admits.
“I would like you to,” she confesses. But he won’t go all the way “until you have signed a consent form” as well as a “non-disclosure agreement”.

Though a virgin, which Christian discovers to his surprise, she is the one who invites him to make the first move: “Are you going to make love to me?” She fails to detect the warning signs when he responds: “Two things: first, I don’t make love.” A pause. “I f*** ... hard.” “And the second?” He leads her by the hand to the door of his playroom.

He tantalises her: “It’s important you know you can leave at any time....The danger words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’ ...the helicopter is on standby to take you home.”

She cannot stand the suspense: “Open the door.”

The director, Sam Taylor-Johnson, has done well to handle the sex scenes and Anastasia’s vulnerability with quite a lot of subtlety (though she fell out with the British author of Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James — real name Erika Mitchell).
The camera focuses on Anastasia’s face as she says: “Oh, my god!” The camera then pans to show row upon row of “equipment”, neatly arranged like the ties, shirts and suits in Christian’s extensive wardrobe.

“Are you a sadist?” “I am a dominant.” Would she feel pain? “It’s much more about pleasure, I promise you,” he reassures her.

Christian has his own kind of code and won’t consider her his submissive until she has signed an extensive contract. The “business meeting” Anastasia calls to discuss the details is both surreal and fascinating — in some ways one of the best sequences in the film.

Sharp pencil in hand she goes through the contract clause by clause. It stipulates the activity should be “consensual” but that the submissive, who should call the dominant “Sir”, “may not touch the dominant without his express permission to do so”.

DOMINANT VS SUBMISSIVE

Anastasia draws Christian’s attention to “fisting”. “I’m all ears.” “Strike out....strike out vaginal fisting, too.” “You sure?” Christian wonders. “Yeah!” “Sex toys? Dildos, fine. Vaginal clips? Absolutely not.” “Consider them gone.”

Anastasia seeks clarification: “What are butt plugs?” She is also unsure about “suspension”. They are for hanging from ropes on the ceiling, she is told. “For what possible reason?” “For your pleasure.” “Really?” “And mine,” he agrees. “Something to consider.”

By this time, the Mini Jaya audience might be getting a little baffled. “Can I say how impressed I am with your commitment to this meeting,” observes Christian. “In that spirit I am going to throw in a sweetener. Once a week on a night of your choosing we go on a date — just like a regular couple. Dinner, movie, ice skating. Whatever you want.” “You are very kind.” “I will suggest it in appendix five,” Christian resolves.

Alas, Christian’s personality is far too damaged to allow for a normal relationship. It turns out when he was 15, he was seduced by one of his mother’s friends. Anastasia labels the unseen rival “Mrs Robinson” (from The Graduate). Also, his mother, allegedly a prostitute and drug addict, had died when he was four.

That perhaps provides some explanation for Anastasia’s plaintive appeal: “Why won’t you let me touch you? Why does it have to be like this?” It is the end — for now — when he “punishes” her in his playroom with six lashes — this time in deadly earnest. He cannot be any other way. 

Should the Indian censor pass the film without cuts since there are topless shots of Anastasia (the trick with the ice cubes and erect nipples is a staple, however, of western cinema)? And disturbing scenes of her being humiliated?
The answer probably has to be ‘yes’ if the cinema-going audience feels Indians are now grown up.

Amit Roy in London

... and the US. the verdict? Grey, of course

A newly wed Indian couple — he a doctor, she a homemaker — kept a date with Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson at a plex near their home in New Brunswick, US, on Friday morning. Here are (almost) 50 things that crossed their minds while watching 50 Shades Of Grey...

1 It’s not every day that pop-porn meets popcorn at 10am on Friday.

2 He’s thinking of the last crazy 16 hours he put in at an all-nighter at work.

3 She’s thinking about an early Valentine’s Day.

4 They are thinking about why they thought the show would be sold out.

5 The theatre is almost empty but the guy at the counter said they are expecting a “swamped weekend”.

6  She’s thinking she could have slept an extra hour instead of waking up so early for first day-first show.

7 He’s thinking of the triple shot espresso she didn’t let him stop for.

8 She’s thinking of the vanilla glazed doughnut she could have had if she hadn’t stopped him from stopping for that coffee.

9 They are thinking what are the other people in the auditorium thinking — all eight of them.

10  Previews begin — two films have been identified as “we-have-to-watch-this-one”, one has Bradley Cooper and the other has Sean Penn (no prizes for guessing which one he chose and which one she).

11  He’s thinking that she should put down her phone because the glare might disturb other (eight) people.

12 She’s thinking she can’t put down her phone because she shouldn’t depend on her memory for the notes on the film. That would disturb the article.

13 She reduces the phone glare. Who knew there’s a light control one swipe away?

14 The movie begins at 10.20am. She’s thinking she should have saved some of the popcorn for the actual movie.

15 After random shots introducing the cast via generic scenes, the interview moment arrives. Good thinking by the wardrobe stylist Mark Bridges. Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) looks suitably virginal in the floral shirt-blue-cardi-ponytail combo. Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) looks suitably steely in a grey suit.

16 Post-interview Christian tries to pursue Anastasia. An awkward coffee date leads Anastasia to drunk-dial Christian from a club who quickly comes to the rescue. She’s thinking knight in shining suit. He’s thinking stalker.

17 Christian holds her hair while Anastasia throws up outside the club. She’s thinking “AAW”. He’s thinking “EEW”.

18 Anastasia wakes up hung-over with orange juice and Ibuprofen, with accompanying tags of ‘drink me’ and ‘eat me’. She notices that it’s written in calligraphy. He notices nothing.

19  “I don’t make love. I f***... hard.” Christian tells Anastasia. They are thinking just how the Indian censor board will bleep this sentence out.

20  But sentences are least worrisome. The first of many sex scenes begins. It starts mild. Anastasia strips for the first time, ready to lose her virginity, down to white cotton panties with a lace waistband with a matching bra. She’s thinking why Ms. Steele’s underwear is so boring. He’s thinking whether it is going to be full frontal.

21 Christian eventually shows Anastasia his “playroom”. “Your X-Box and stuff?” Her “Oh My god” says it all. Whips. Handcuffs. Floggers. She’s Googling “Floggers”.

22 The dominant has found his submissive. They are thinking the film might get hot. Hmm.

23 Anastasia wants dinners and movies and date nights and talking and romance. He thinks “Poor guy!”

24 Romance appears to involve innovative forms of customised air travel. She is wowed. He is thinking that clearly romance is unaffordable.

25 ‘Safe words’. Yellow — Close to limit. Red — Cease action immediately and completely. He is thinking of other safe words — Butter chicken, Lalu Prasad, Jhumritalaiyya, Chyawanprash.

26 Though there are fleeting moments of Anastasia’s full frontal, Christian shows only his bum. Hmm.

27 There’s a lot of sex. No one is thinking anything.

28 On limits — Blindfolds, dildo/vibrators, spanking, ice-cubes, cable-ties, more spanking, doggie-style, suspension from ceiling, bondage, ropes, leather, handcuffs, peacock feathers, still more spanking. He is thinking of a few more things to add to the list.

29 Off limits — Duct-tape, anal/vaginal fisting, butt plugs, genital clamps. She is thinking of a few more things to add to the list.

30 He informs her that Jamie Dornan’s wife has refused to watch this film.

31 She’s shocked that Jamie’s married.

32 She’s thinking about what Dakota’s parents must have thought while watching the film. 

33 She thinks Ms. Steele’s boobs could be bigger. He reserves comment. At least in front of brand new wife.

34 They are counting the number of sex scenes that will be snipped by the Indian censor board (more than nine).

35 She’s thinking of moral police backlash. He’s thinking of AIB.

36 Christian spanks Anastasia six times which leads to their break up. End credits roll.  

37 She’s thinking the movie ended abruptly. She had only begun browsing on her phone. And she was only on number 2 of the 23 haunting pictures of celebrities before they passed away. He’s thinking it’s over. Thankfully.

38 They are thinking what were the makers thinking when they made the film.

39 He’s thinking of alternative movie titles. Sex Sells… But Who’s Buying? (Thank you Megadeth) or 50 Shades Of…..HUH?

40 She thinks the sale of grey silk neckties will go through the roof. Hermes will think ‘YAYYYYY!’

41 They think forget 50 thoughts, 41 is good enough!