Keep in touch...

Communicate, communicate, communicate. That is the key to a successful LDR. Establish and maintain an emotional connection. Phone, email, text, webcam, voice chat. Try to communicate with each other more than once a day. Share the most trivial happenings of the day with your partner. Tell each other about your triumphs and tragedies, when you could give it back to your smart colleague or when you were snubbed. Seek advice. If you are too busy to call or are low on cash, then text. And it doesn’t get better than Google Talk or good old Yahoo Messenger. Try e-love letters — they aren’t that awkward. “Although my Mumbai-based boyfriend and I get to meet each other only once in about six months, we are completely tuned into each other’s lives. That is because we keep in touch all the time, whether through phone, texting or chat. Recently, my boyfriend had gone for the Beyonce concert and called me from there. I heard almost half an hour of the performance over the phone,” says 26-year-Calcutta based advertising professional Smriti Murarka.

Parambrata (left) and Raima and Shayan in The Bong Connection, which dealt with the problems of long-distance relationships

Beware! While the phone, email or online chatting may be a boon for long distance lovers, they can prove a bane too. Nothing can act as a substitute to communicating face-to-face with each other and very often, misunderstandings may arise out of a phone conversation or an online chat. Abstain from having arguments with your partner over the phone. Not only does your bill go beyond budget, the relatively impersonal medium doesn’t really give you an opportunity to mend matters. Entrepreneur Sushil Mehra’s two-year-old relationship with his Bangalore-based girlfriend nearly ended after a fight over the phone about a seemingly trivial matter. “Things really got out of hand, but I didn’t want to lose Neha. So I took the next flight out to Bangalore and we met up and resolved matters. Touch wood!” says a relieved Sushil.

… But

Don’t call your partner 10 times a day. Don’t insist on getting a complete list of the people he/she is partying with. Or a minute-by-minute daily itinerary. Giving space in a long-distance relationship doesn’t come easy. But it is something that one needs to work on. “If your partner cannot call you on two consecutive days, do not get suspicious or annoyed. There must be some reason. One needs to be understanding,” says Ritusmita Biswas, 30, an editor with Macmillan, who has been married to a merchant navy officer for four years.

Beware! For some, too much space in a relationship spells trouble. It should not be misconstrued as indifference or a lack of interest in pursuing the relationship. Ask media professional Shilpi Basu who ended her relationship four months ago. The reason? “Although initially I enjoyed the space and freedom that it offered, I started feeling insecure and uncared for when my partner reduced the everyday calls to just twice a week.”

Trust each other

Cliched as it may sound, implicit trust is of foremost importance in any relationship, and more so in one where the partners are separated by distance. It is often said that the real test of a relationship is determined by distance and what clearly makes a successful long-distance relationship is faith in each other. Maneka Bankeshwar, 26, a relationship manager at a Bangalore-based five-star hotel who meets her UK-based boyfriend once a year, believes that trust is the bedrock of a long-distance relationship. “Since you are not together, you always tend to wonder what your partner is up to. But my boyfriend and I have learnt to trust each other,” says Maneka.

Beware! If there’s no trust, a LDR is often laced with suspicion. “Who is he going out with?” or “Is a guy going to drop her home tonight?” are just two of the many questions that pop up. Don’t be suspicious. If there is something that raises even a tiny speck of doubt in your mind, talk to your partner about it IMMEDIATELY. Suspicion sounds the death knell for any relationship, more so when it is from a distance. “My year-old relationship ended because my girlfriend would be constantly suspicious of every move I made. Initially I did understand her predicament since we lived in different cities, but then it reached a point of no return and I was left with no choice but to call off the relationship,” says software professional Ankush Saxena (name changed).

Value your partner

A relationship is all about valuing the other person. Savour each moment that you can spend with your partner. Public relations manager Shekhar Mukherjee (name changed on request), whose four-year-old relationship turned long-distance six months ago when he shifted to Dubai leaving his fiancee in Delhi, is well aware of the importance of valuing one’s partner. “I have started appreciating my fiancee more after I shifted out of Delhi. Not being able to see her every day made me realise her importance. Distance does make the heart grow fonder,” says Shekhar.

Beware! In a long-distance relationship, it is all too easy to take the other person for granted. Living in different cities sometimes makes one apathetic to the other’s feelings. A long-distance relationship requires as much attention and nurturing as any other relationship does. If not more. “My sister has been in a long-distance relationship for one year and she and her boyfriend never take each other for granted. They are sensitive to each other’s needs and feelings,” says college student Tripti Saraogi.

Right here right now

Fights, misunderstandings, ego hassles. Part of every relationship, they tend to get blown out of proportion in long-distance relationships, where you do not get to meet your partner for days, months, sometimes even years together. No frequent trips to the bistro or the chai bar, where issues can be sorted out over steaming cups of tea. Or a stroll in the park as you mull over your misunderstandings. Don’t put off resolving problems just because you are in a long-distance relationship and don’t have to face your partner on a daily basis. If you want to sustain the relationship, the attitude to be adopted is Right Here, Right Now. Choose your words with care when trying to sort out problems.

Beware! Says Payal Gupta (name changed on request), an LDR veteran of two-and-a-half-years: “Do not keep delaying resolving issues. Don’t keep saying that things are fine when they are not. That’s a key trick to sustain a long distance relationship.”

Advantages

1. Space, space and still more space.
2. Helps in curbing expenditure. Having a boyfriend/ girlfriend in another city means that you can shop for yourself without always having to buy him/her something. (Naughty naughty!)
3. Living away from each other is a test of the relationship. It helps you make up your mind whether you really want to be with your partner or not.
4. If you are not serious about the relationship, it gives you the freedom to look around!
   

Disadvantages

1. Socialising is a huge problem. With your partner away in another city, going out solo when all your friends are going out as couples does get a little uncomfortable. One ends up standing out like a sore thumb on most occasions.
2. Loneliness, frustration, feeling unwanted, feeling uncared for are just few of the many symptoms plaguing long-distance lovers.
3. In some cases, people around the couple don’t really take the relationship seriously.
4. If married and living in another city, your time with your spouse is cut down to the bare minimum. If there are kids, one of the partners tends to miss out on their growing up.