... Because unlike the DC superheroes who are slugging it out on screen at the plexes this weekend, we are committed to saving people — from the torture that is the film about the clash of the most iconic heroes! Don’t be fooled by the poetic backstory sequence (almost as beautiful as Watchmen) for Batman, where his parents (big surprise!) die. The rest of the film will do one of the four things to you — confuse you, make you angry, disappoint you or bore you. Here’s why:

♦ Because Superman is probably even more a one-note character than he was in Man of Steel. Despite a glimmer of what-could-have-been in a few scenes — where we see him saving people and where he is torn between the adulation and the fear he seems to evoke — he ends up just as disconnected from the people whose life he wants to better, as he was in Man of Steel.

♦ Because Batman came across as, forgive the pun, batshit crazy. It was great to get a ground-up perspective of the senseless destruction of Metropolis in Man of Steel, from Bruce Wayne’s point of view, which was the victim’s point of view. And while it was great as the starting point for Batman’s distrust of Superman, you wonder if it is enough to take him to the baying-for-Superman’s-blood level. If a few debates on television about whether Superman is good or evil, and some manipulations by Lex Luthor that even a child can see through is enough to tip Batman over, you have to wonder if apart from being “tired, weary and old” he has also lost his brains.

♦ Because more often than not it feels like Batman is basically jealous of all the powers and the adulation Superman gets, while he is basically treated like a criminal. In short, a five-year-old bully. What happened to the “we don’t see eye to eye about justice” basis of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns that this film is apparently drawn from?

♦ Because Batman is shooting and killing! Is getting the Kryptonite that can kill Superman so important that the man who doesn’t kill literally mows down people? [The chase sequence is quite cool apart from the killing people part.]

♦ Because Ben Affleck might look the part of an old, embittered Batman, but he still acts better inside his Batsuit than outside it (we are being rude here, in case you missed the metaphor). The only saving grace were his scenes with the exceptionally incredible Alfred, played by Jeremy Irons, and we think it is more Alfred who makes the scenes stand out than Bruce.

♦ Because Lex Luthor gives you a headache with his I’m-trying-very-hard-to-be-Joker-crazy mannerisms without the required chutzpah. Why does he need to pit Batman against Superman when he is anyway going to create a monstrosity by manipulating General Zod’s body with his own blood? How does he know he can do this? You will not get the answers.

♦ Because all the female characters are relegated to inconsequential roles. They are either used as bait, like Amy Adams’s Lois Lane and Diane Lane’s Martha Kent. Or, a half-hearted plot-point like Holly Hunter’s feisty Senator Finch who stands up to Lex Luthor. Even Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) — the best thing about the film (we love the entry, we love the look, we love her music) — was barely there.

♦ Because the film took so much time to get to the  Batman v Superman part of the title that you almost gave up on it.

♦ Because the Batman v Superman fight when it finally happened, after a teaser, was very repetitive and there was never a single heart-in-your-mouth moment that could render it singular, though it looked beautiful.

♦ Because the Dawn of Justice part of the title was so forcefully inserted and so thumbnail-like insignificant that it failed to even blip on the radar. No, really. Cyborg, Aquaman and The Flash are just five-second footage stored as thumbnails in LexCorps data files. Again, how Lex Luthor knows about them no one knows.

♦ Because Doomsday was such a waste, not to mention a very poor adaptation of the orcs from Lord of the Rings. Did we really need to use up one of the most unkillable villains of DC in a film that already pitched Batman against Superman? Isn’t that overkill?

♦ Because Superman’s death is so pointless that you are not even moved, forget shedding a tear or two. When Kryptonite affects Superman adversely and there was the invincible Wonder Woman who was quite clearly holding her own, shouldn’t he have just handed the Kryptonite spear to her? The death was so totally avoidable, not to mention useless, since he will be revived for Justice League next year.

♦ And finally, because we wonder how much more unrelatable Superman is going to become, now that Clark Kent’s obituary has been printed in The Daily Planet. It was through Clark that Kal-El made human connections.

And yes, you are welcome.

Chandreyee Chatterjee