Goons chase the heroine. She is cornered. You expect the hero to jump out of thin air and save his girl. But nothing of the sort happens. Enter, instead, a man in a hood. No one gives him a second look. Till that hood drops. Eye of the Tiger starts playing in the background and Sylvester Stallone lands nine killer punches like only Sylvester Stallone can. The heroine, Kareena of course, gives him a peck on the cheek and runs away to get her man. Sly says slyly: “Kambakkht ishq!”

Well, if that’s not paisa vasool, what is?

And if Rocky is there, so is Rambo. Stallone’s introductory scene, the other of his two scenes in the film, has him presenting a stunt award to Akshay. Sly comes to the microphone and simply says: “Good evening ladies and gentleman, my name is John Rambo.” Akshay goes into autobiographical mode, “A middle-class Indian boy wanted to be Sylvester Stallone… dekh maa tera munda ban gaya Sylvester”, and then goes and touches Sly’s feet!

Melodramatic yes, masala yes, but you can’t miss the Bolly-meets-Holly magic.

There’s nothing in Kambakkht Ishq that you have not seen before in a Bollywood movie but that doesn’t mean that you mind seeing it here. The Universal Studios backdrop, the Hollywood special appearances, the electric Akki-Bebo chemistry all come together to create an offer that is difficult to refuse. It’s a two-hour way-over-the-top package which has every chance of leaving you with a slight smile on your lips.

Don’t go looking for a story because Kambakkht Ishq doesn’t even pretend to have one. Remade from the Kamal Haasan-Simran-starrer Pammal K. Sambandam (2002), it’s got the oldest premise in the world — a man-hating woman and a woman-hating man falling in love. So you have Hollywood stuntman Viraj aka Bhai (Akshay) who’s convinced that women are only good for one thing and you have model-cum-medical student Simrita aka Bebo (Kareena) who’s convinced that men are interested in only one thing. Yes, they are on the same page even if they are not on the same lines.

So one comic set-piece follows another as Viraj and Sim keep bumping into each other… in mid-air, in hospitals, on photo shoots! The constant bickering eventually leads to that sweet tug of the heart but not before some unwanted shor-sharaba and rona-dhona trying to explain Sim’s hatred for men. Those are the bookmarked cringe moments that bring the breezy pace to a grinding pause. Thankfully we never get to know why Viraj thinks women are meant for only one function.

Kambakkht Ishq is mainly for Akshay and Kareena fans and, given their popularity these days, that makes it pretty much for every Bollywood junkie. You don’t need to be told how good Akshay is in the stunt sequences, whether he is doubling for Brandon Routh or Adam Sandler. His comic timing is uniformly good but it is in those scenes where he cuts loose and improvises, spurting out his own lines, that he is brilliant. Check him out in the operation theatre as Kareena cuts him open. It’s hilarious, it’s Akshay!

In Aki Narula’s rainbow clothes, Bebo looks stunning. Clearly the couple of extra pounds at the right places add up to so much more tashan. Also, here’s such an improved actress on display. In a role not much removed from her Poo act in K3G, Bebo manages to exude that little bit of innocence that makes her haughtiness so watchable.

And if the two are good individually, together they are a cannonball. The tu-tu main-main — he calls her a bitch, she calls him a dog — is fun but the passion is like a furnace. From their very first scene, where he shuts her up by locking lips — “Love your strawberry lipstick babe” — to the drive into the sunset where she shuts him up with back-to-back kisses, boy, it’s hot! Nah, they don’t play ‘saif’ and do go ‘twinkle’, twinkle big stars!

The supporting cast, barring Aftab, is not too good. Cameos from Jaaved Jafferi, Kirron Kher and Boman Irani are quite unfunny and somebody please put some clothes on Amrita Arora. The music (Anu Malik) is the weakest link of the film and the only song you remember is Om mangalam by RDB. Salim-Sulaiman’s background score is beautifully punctuated and Vikas Sivaraman’s camerawork is top notch.

After what Akshay has been up to in the past few years, you know exactly what to expect going into Kambakkht Ishq and on that count Sabbir Khan’s first film doesn’t disappoint. Unlike Singh is Kinng and Chandni Chowk to China, this one doesn’t claim to be anything else other than a crazy cliche-happy romantic comedy. Crack open the Hollywood crust and its desi Bollywood masala inside, in generous doses.

[Don’t miss how Akshay and Kareena keep referring to Denise Richards as Denise Richard. Just like men will be men and women will be, well, women, Bollywood will always be Bollywood. And maybe, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.]

How did Sly and company do?

If you have grown up on the Rocky and Rambo films, you would love the two SYLVESTER STALLONE scenes in KI. Maybe he looks a tad bloated but that fist is still that fist. And to see our stars kiss and hug him is a different trip altogether. Thank you, Sajid Nadiadwala!

Brandon Routh has less than 30 seconds of screen time. He is the Hollywood hero Akki is doubling for in the opening scene of the film. And Mr Superman looks quite uncomfortable in a Bolly frame, to be honest. And without the cape or the undies outside, not sure how many people would actually know him.

Denise Richards has the lengthiest role among the Holly stars. She comes out of the pool a la Wild Things and thereafter goes into Juhi Chawla mode, with a fixed smile on her face. But she really looks wow wearing the wedding gown in the final scene.

Whom did you like more in Kambakkht Ishq — Akshay or Kareena? Tell t2@abpmail.com