Last week, I was hosting the Anandalok Purashkar. And the stars walked the red carpet for the first time at any awards function in the city. Quite confidently, with bold strides, yet a masked air of anticipation under those panstick smeared faces. All of a sudden, everybody was so “red” in the face.
Security was pretty much at it, right from the start. Stopping the “common public” (read passers-by, curious onlookers, non-VIP card holders) from stepping on to the carpet. A volunteer barked out orders to the men in uniform, “Aami jaader chiniye debo, shudhu tarai ei carpet diye haantbe, bujhechho?”
Another tries to convince a veteran actress, “Aapni e dik diye ashun, madam. Aapnake ei carpet-er upor diye hente hall-e dhukte hobe. E bochhor notun system.”
The actress sheepishly grins, stoops down before stepping on to the designated pathway, just to be stopped in the nick of time by the volunteer, “Thaak, thaak madam! Juto khulte hobe na!”
A photographer clicks with his super automatic gizmo and shows it off to his friend, “Ei dekh, chhobita kemon tullam dekh. No red-eye!”
‘CARPET’HIAN MANNERS
Introducing “1001 STEPS TO WALK DOWN THE RED CARPET”. Manner, etiquette, poise, grace. How to smile on the red carpet? How to preen on the red carpet? How to blow kisses on the red carpet? Basically, how to behave on the red carpet?
Do you think you have it in you? Then it’s most certainly the red carpet for your feet.
Now, am I sure? Well, not quite. There’s a catch! A popular actor’s driver laments, “Arre yeh sab bade bade logon ke liye bichhaya jaata hai.”
Paanchu from Falta explains to his friend Potla, “Arre TV-te dekhishni? Oscar-foscar-er moton korechhe. Okhane phoren actor haante, ekhane dishi maal.”
An impressed party worker from Ghatal, West Midnapore (who’s somehow managed a VIP pass from some ministry quota) observes, “Comrade Bose-ke bole Alimuddin Street-eo ei rokom ekta system chalu korano uchit. Immediately. After all, our party is the only party that truly deserves the red carpet before anyone else!” He whips out his cellphone and calls an official from the awards committee, “Achha dada, aapnader ei red carpet-er per square foot rate koto? Aapnader contractor ke bolun toh?”
Another party worker whispers into the former’s ear, “Dada, shudhu ekjon na. Aami khonj nichhi. Du-chaarte ke ekshonge deke nin. Tarpor tender bhorte bolun. Competitive market, boss. Jey best rate debe, shey-i Alimuddin pabe!”
Not very far, at a blood donation camp in Hazra, Didi walks up to inaugurate the cause. And almost jumps out of her skin on the dais, hissing, “Carpet hatao! Shorao eta, ekkhuni! Jene rakho bhai-shokol. Till death, I shall never set foot on anything red!”
THIN RED LINE
Man desires to set foot on the red planet — Mars. Our perpetual red carpet. So, are Martians bigger celebrities than we Earthlings?
Is their blood red? It remains to be seen.
Oil companies are in the “red”. The loan sharks belong to the Red Sea. Though Russia and China may not agree, still. Whatever is red is not essentially Marxist. So come, take on the bull. Give me the red hanky. But keep him off the carpet, please. Who wants bullshit on an awards night?
A persistent journo sticks his microphone up an actress’s nose: “Madam, kemon laglo red carpet-er upor hente? Ki onubhob korlen? Was it soft? Or was it hard? Aapni ki eka haantlen? Aapnar shonge ki onyo keu haantle aapnar aaro bhalo lagto? Oscar-er red carpet ar ekhankar red carpet-er moddhye basically ki-ki tofaat khunje pelen? Do you think it is the texture or infrastructure? Achcha madam, should technicians also be allowed to walk on the red carpet?”
A few models, serving as hostesses, gush over some steaming coffee: “Ki bhalo korechhe na ei red carpet welcome! So glamorous!”
The volunteers warn, “Dekhben madam, carpet-er opor danriye coffee khaben na! Please!”
The MC wonders, “Red carpet or a thin red line between a commoner and a celebrity?”
Tagore booms inside the head:
Anandaloke mangalaloke,/ Biraajo/Shotyo shundoro...
Ei carpet-!
GIVE ME RED
A production assistant asks the event manager on the eve of the awards show, “Dada, aapnader ei red carpet onushthaane ki ronger carpet debo? Gireen (green) cholbe? Science City-r ghasher shaathe matching hobe kintu!”
With that, we come to the end of this week’s “red”iculous rendezvous on paper. And congratulations — you “red” it too!
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