I am a 22-year-old student, studying in a reputed government engineering college. I have fallen in love with my teacher’s daughter and she also loves me. But ever since her mother came to know about our affair, she has started blackmailing me. She is forcing me to get into a physical relationship with her. I am unable to tell my girlfriend anything about this. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Son, where do you find these teachers and where you do you find these colleges? Why the hell was I deprived of such a depraved existence and why did we have to struggle even to hold someone’s goddamn hands. Every time I read fine stories such as yours, I detest the decent upbringing we all had! My suggestion is make hay while the mother beams. Go for both of them. You can always play the obedience card with your girlfriend if she ever finds out. Say that owing to undying respect for her, you had to give in. Or some drivel like that. And yes, do keep me posted about the progress you make. It will be an inspiration for all of India. You will do more for India than Kapil Dev by becoming a colonel in the Territorial Army!

I am a 36-year-old man. My parents have fixed up my marriage with a girl who is very conservative. However, I have grown up in an extremely open background. I am doubtful whether I would be able to spend my entire life with a girl like her. I do not even know her properly. What should I do?

Rahul, via e-mail

Listen son, you are not some goddamn door or window that you have to be ‘open’. Cut out this ‘open’ bit with me. It cuts no ice. You men are all hypocrites. You want your girlfriend to behave like wives and when they do become your wives, you then wish they were your mistresses. This is the sad reality so don’t give me this poppy-cock and get on with marrying this cow. And leave all of us in peace!

I am a 15-year-old boy. My problem is that my parents fight all the time at home. Therefore I find it very difficult to concentrate on my studies. Despite my repeated requests, they yell at each other at the top of their voice. What should I do?

Karan, via e-mail

Now this is a tricky problem, son. But sadly you can’t choose your parents. The best way for you to handle this is to tell them when they are both together. Be blunt and say that they are coming in the way of your studies and that you don’t want to grow up and be like them. If all else fails, then fail a couple of times and see the manner in which they suddenly wake up! This is the only way of handling things!

I am a 37-year-old man, into an extra- marital affair for the past one year. Now I am feeling guilty about the entire episode and am confessing to my wife. I am a little apprehensive as she always has been very possessive about me. Would telling her the truth ruin my marriage?

Tarun, via e-mail

Since you are such a bright idiot, why don’t you tell me whether this will ruin your marriage or not? Look son, your marriage is ruined since you are a goddamn cheat so let’s not worry about that. What you are really asking is whether your wife and you will ever have a normal relationship and to that the answer is, if you are rich, yes. If you are not, then no. Figure this out and write to me son.

I am a 40-year-old woman. I feel I am going through a midlife crisis. My kids have grown up and moved out of the city. My husband stays busy with his work almost all the time. I get extremely bored staying at home. All I can do is watch TV or read novels. How do I get out of this?

Name and address withheld

I am 45 and I feel like an adolescent so what goddamn midlife crisis are you talking about? This is the problem with women. When you are young, you want to be old. When you get older, you pretend to be young with the reality being you are like a washerman’s dog, belonging neither to the dhobi ghats nor to the house if you know what I mean. My submission is stop worrying about midlife and live the real life. As for your husband, let him be. At 40, it’s a pain trying to change husbands.

I am a 29-year-old woman from Mumbai. I recently came to know that my fiancé makes calls to a woman everyday, especially at midnight and also during early mornings. These calls usually extend beyond an hour. When I confronted him regarding this, he confessed that he has made a mistake. Is he cheating on me? What should I do?

Kiran, via e-mail

Mistake? Are you dumb or is he clever? And despite all of this you are asking me such an intelligent question? Of course he is cheating on you. Who do you think he is talking to? Mamata Banerjee and asking her when she will screw things up again? Or do you think he is talking to his frail aunt in the hope she leaves behind her dilapidated Lake Gardens bungalow to him? Of course he is cheating on you. He wants that woman. He lusts for her. He loves to have phone sex with her. Now do you get it, you bright button?

I am a 55-year-old woman. My daughter-in-law is torturing me. She verbally abuses me and often beats me up. I have complained to my son, but he is not paying attention to my problem. At times, she behaves in a very irrational and erratic manner. She even parties late into the night with her friends. She is getting on my nerves now. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Ah, divine revenge, eh? The daughter-in-law triumphs finally? Look, your son is a wimp if he has not been able to stop his wife and that is truly sad. I would recommend, hire some goons and get her thrashed. That seems to be the only way or just pray your son has an adulterous affair and leaves the gorgon. Till then, keep a First Aid box handy, you will need it every second.

I am a 16-year-old boy. I have just realised that I am gay. I have never been interested in girls. Instead of actresses, I would always be raving about the actors, appreciating their physique and looks. Now I keep thinking about this guy in my class. First I brushed the feeling aside. But then I suddenly realised that I may be gay. And now I simply cannot come to terms with this fact and stop worrying about its consequences. Torn between the various fascinations about this boy and the inability to accept the fact that I am gay, my life has become truly miserable. What do I do?

Rahul, via e-mail

Nothing: just jump on the next boy you find and who too is gay. That’s the way I believe this normal behaviour works or so I have been told by other unilateral gender believers such as you. You could also Google some gay bars and websites and then even get more involved. That is the way for you son. Forget all your worries and embrace the men in the world. All of us will be happy for you!

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park
Calcutta 700025
Ph: 24191174
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism
Contact: Volunteers on line
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally,
P.- Prafulla Kanan
Calcutta — 700 101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856
Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS
Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash ( The lifestyle management school )

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919
Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy
Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays

Society for nature, education and health (sneh)

Flat — 2B, 48/1, Chakraberia
Road (North) Calcutta — 700 020
Ph: 2486 7404, 2486 1940
E-mail: sneh@cal2.vsnl.net.in

Psychotherapy for children,adolescents and adults suffering from behavioural and emotional problems
Timings: 10.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays