Sunil Mittal

Breaking news in the year ahead

JANUARY

THIEVES take stolen Henry Moore sculpture to “Asian art connoisseur” in Southall Broadway who threatens to put the two tonne sculpture back on public display unless government pays him a ransom.

ANTI-Iraq war campaigner George Galloway, MP from the Respect party, angrily denies he is involved in “cash for curry” scandal ? “it’s totally untrue our beloved leader has demanded Bangladeshi takas as compensation for eating in Brick Lane restaurants,” asserts his spokesman.

METROPOLITAN police commissioner Sir Ian Blair launches campaign to recruit more Asians into the force ? “the food in the canteen’s so bland,” explains Scotland Yard source.

SUNIL Mittal is elevated to the peerage after passport mix-up with Lakshmi Mittal at Heathrow immigration control.

FEBRUARY

Rani Mukherjee in a scene from Paheli

MICHAEL Jackson to front new chat show on BBC television, Taking the Michael on Friday ? “Martin Bashir is to be my first guest,” reveals pop legend.

DUKE of Edinburgh visits Iraq and questions casualty figure (just as he did at Jallianwalla Bagh) ? “you claim 100,000 Iraqis have died, I thought it was nearer 30,000,” Philip harangues Baghdad mosque leader.

OXFORD University to confer honorary doctorate, Civis Risus, on Lalu Prasad for bringing laughter to the masses.

AHEAD of the Academy awards in Los Angeles, Paheli covers itself in glory at BAFTA, the British equivalent of the Oscars. It wins a new category, “Best Bollywood film made in Hindi starring Anupam Kher with special appearance by Amitabh Bachchan”. A BAFTA spokesman says: “Just because there was only one entry doesn’t mean we fixed the result ? or that we’re soft-soaping Bollywood producers into spending more money in London.”

MARCH

HERCULE Poirot called in after cyanide mishap with presenter on Bollywood chat show, KCN with Karan.

ROBERT Kilroy-Silk, former television presenter and scourge of the Arabs, announces he is to set up new ultra Right party ? on Bondi Beach in Sydney.

NARENDRA Modi to pay state visit to Wembley ? “I’m badly in need of another standing ovation from devotees who appreciate the real me,” reveals leaked email from the Gujarat chief minister.

APRIL

CHANCELLOR Gordon Brown made chief guest at Asian Entrepreneur of the Year Award given annually to an Asian shopkeeper who doesn’t substitute 20p coins for ?1 coins when giving back customers change. No winners so far.

DAVID Blunkett returns to cabinet as Secretary of State for Multicultural Affairs. Puts his shares in Ludhiana Cash & Carry into a trust for his sons.

MADAME Tussaud’s melts down Aishwarya Rai and replaces her with waxwork model of Mallika Sherawat in its Hall of Fame. Museum decides against acquiring Uma Bharti when other inmates of its Chamber of Horrors threaten a mass walkout.

MAY

FORMER David Davies backer Shailesh Vara loyally declares David Cameron “is the best leader the Tories have had since Michael Howard”.

CAMERON returns compliment ? “Sally (affectionate conservative nickname for Shailesh) is the best Asian Tory MP North West Cambridgeshire has ever had.”

BOLLYWOOD producers make beeline for tax-friendly Britain ? “we will make lots of films we won’t release,” one veteran producer tells London press conference.

JUNE

Prince Charles

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall

DEV Anand’s Mr Prime Minister wins Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. “I’ve seen nothing like it,” admits French film critic.

TONY Blair says that due to public demand relayed by the Muslim Council of Britain, he will lead Labour “into the next election ? and the one after that”.

SIR Iqbal Sacranie, general secretary, Muslim Council of Britain, is elevated to the peerage for not being an extremist.

PRINCE Charles denies he is considering converting to Islam. “Even Queen Victoria learnt Urdu,” says his mother.

JULY

KEN Livingtone extends the London ?8 congestion zone area from near Brick Lane in the East End to Cox’s Bazaar, Bangladesh. “Bangladesh has almost as many Bangladeshis as Tower Hamlets,” he points out.

PAKISTAN cricket team arrives for England tour ? “I hope they won’t cheat by using reverse swing,” warns ECB.

QUEEN borrows green sari from Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, to wear to Bollywood premiere. But it’s Camilla who makes the page one picture in her Hermes hejab.

AUGUST

SIMON Jones has a devastating session against Pakistan ? “reverse swing is a legitimate weapon,” says ECB.

AAMIR Khan climbs rock face of Big Ben and unfurls a huge “Fathers4Justice” banner in support of fathers who are denied access to their children by vengeful ex-partners.

DASHING Pakistani heart surgeon Hasnat Khan at last sells his Diana love story: “I still have her VHS, Mujhse Shadi Karoge”.

SOURAV Ganguly replaces Duncan Fletcher as England cricket coach and promptly asks Michael Vaughan to stand down as captain. In future, all England players will bond by not wearing moustaches (as they did on tour in Pakistan) but spectacles and a superior air.

SEPTEMBER

FARIA Alam’s life story, Alam Bells, has been made into a big budget blockbuster. It stars Faria herself as a simple Bangladeshi girl who never has anything to wear. Gulshan Grover finally gets to play a foreign baddie ? Sven-Goran Eriksson.

LITERARY Review declares its “Bad Sex Award” won’t be open to Indians this year “to give others a chance”.

DALAI Lama to be guest editor of Hello! magazine for one issue. Promises to take readers inside “my charming monastery”.

OCTOBER

IMRAN Khan, chancellor of Bradford University, confers honorary degree, Civis Despoticus, on General Pervez Musharraf. Pakistani president and L.K. Advani also nominated jointly for Jinnah Peace Prize.

AFTER 556 years, Eton becomes a madrassa ? “we have decided to move with the times,” announces new headmaster.

EXCLUSIVE report in Asian media ? “Liz and Arun will marry next year or the one after that or perhaps not at all”.

PRINCE Andrew’s ex-wife, Fergie (aka the Duchess of York), visits Cherie Blair’s Hindu faith healer in Southall. After consulting “my astrological charts”, the guru assures her she can lose weight overnight by changing the spelling of her name to “Fer-ghee”. Cherie Blair has also changed the spelling of her name ? to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

NOVEMBER

CHANNEL 4 launches new reality shows for Asians ? I’m a Muslim ?..Get me out of Guantanamo Bay!” lLAKSHMI Mittal hires the Houses of Parliament for Diwali party.

MILITANT Hindu group launches political action plan: “We aren’t trouble-makers but we strongly object to various issues which will be announced later when we have decided what they are.”

NATWAR Singh promoted to Indian high commissioner in London, where he had once been deputy high commissioner (1973-77). Inspired by his literary hero, E.M. Forster, he begins a novel, A Passage to Babylon.

DECEMBER

DAVID Cameron inducts Michael Howard into his shadow cabinet ? “we need fresh blood,” announces Tory leader.

TONY Blair denies he has fallen out of love with Gordon Brown ? enters into a “civil partnership” with his chancellor to show they are “very close”.

AMICUS, the white collar union, protests after manufacture of all Christmas cakes is outsourced to Firpos in Calcutta.

BUSH and Blair reinstate Saddam Hussein as president of Iraq ? “Who says we didn’t have a long term strategy for Iraq?” says Blair.