In the long run

I am dismayed to learn that some of the leading publishing houses, including Penguin-Viking with which I have been associated since its inception in India, have decided to publish books at the authors’ expense. This was previously looked down upon as vanity publication because what the author wanted was to see his or her name appear on a book. The man who made his name as the principal publisher of vanity books was the late Professor P. Lal of Writers Workshop of Calcutta. His trademark was his beautiful calligraphy. I made it a point never to review any of his publications. So, apparently, did many other book reviewers. You seldom saw his publications in bookstores.

When a reviewer receives a book, he first looks at the name of the author. If he has not heard of him, he looks at the name of the publisher. Not one of the leading publishing houses of India ever condescended to accepting money from authors to publish their books.

I can vouch for this from personal experience and from writer friends that publishers like Penguin-Viking, HarperCollins, Random House, Oxford University Press, Rupa and a handful of others never consented to being bribed by aspiring authors.

Now they are willing to do so. I have no doubt that they will lose face with readers. It may earn them more money to start with, but will prove to be unprofitable in the long run. I think they should reverse their decision as soon as they can.

Hell tour

The “Funny Old World” column of my favourite entertainment magazine, Private Eye, has reproduced this column: ‘“For many years I have been able to travel freely through the realms of Earth, Heaven, and Hell’, Master Kek Eng Seng told a crowd of onlookers in Georgetown, Penang, ‘and now, for a small fee, I wish to share this ability with others. For the first time in Malaysia, I am offering people the opportunity to visit the Afterworld, on a guided tour that will last one hour and fifteen minutes. I will show you how your soul can leave your body and travel through whirlpools, on the way to the next world. All are welcome on my Hell Tour, except pregnant women, those having their period, and those with unfavourable birth dates.’

‘More than fifty people then took part in Master Kek’s Hell Tour, which involved prayers, rituals, blindfolds, and attempts at astral projection, and was conducted in total darkness. Customer satisfaction was mixed. ‘I saw a rainbow hanging in a beautiful sky,’ said Chiang Kee Chauan afterwards, ‘and a deity who advised me to become a vegetarian.’ Another woman added that, ‘I saw many people at a market, and I also saw my departed mother, although I could not go near or speak to her.’

‘However, a dozen reporters from Chinese newspapers failed to see anything, and after negotiations about a second tour broke down, Master Kek gave them their money back.” (Malaysia Star)

Little ironies

There were two girls named Sita and Geeta. Sita was very pious and god- fearing and visited temples regularly. Geeta was quite the opposite. She used to change her boyfriends at regular intervals, enjoy parties and return home late at night.

One day news came that Geeta is no more. Bade Mian had called her. A few months later, Sita died and went to heaven. After roaming for a few days in heaven, to her surprise, she saw that Geeta was also in heaven. She was shocked that after committing so many sins on earth, Geeta too was in heaven. She approached the security officer of the cell in heaven, “How can sinners like Geeta get a cell in heaven?”

“Madam, we don’t apply any criterion here. Selection of heaven and hell is done on the basis of availability of cells either in hell or heaven.”

Hearing these words, Sita started banging her head on the walls of the cell and started crying violently. The security officer caught her and asked her the reason. She replied: “Sir, I was not aware of this.”

(Contributed by Ramesh Kotian, Uchila, Udupi)

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a) Telling lies is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor and a matter of survival for a married man.

b) Trust is the most important part of a relationship — you must be hundred per cent confident that she won’t tell your wife.

(Courtesy: Vipin Buckshey, Delhi)