THE AGGRESSOR

Their motto: Holi means holy war!

Their song: Aaj na chhodenge bas humjoli, khelenge hum Holi...

Who: Usually boys and men in the age group of 15 to 45, this group also has some Amazonian matrons, who are as precise when it comes to spotting a target, pinning it down and starting the colourful assault.

How: No one should escape their weapon of choice — colour, whether from a pichkari, balloon or handful of dry abir. In fact, the best mode of delivery might be a low-tech one — the overturned bucket. If the colour runs out, they will find more ammunition wherever possible. Even the fridge stocks some dangerous weaponry, usually in the form of rotten tomatoes.

Their victims are primarily innocent bystanders, any man or beast that gets caught in the crossfire. It all ends when they throw themselves into a pool or lake.

The only defence, when confronted with one of these, is surrender. There is no way you can outrun them. Let them have a go, and they will get bored and move on.

Voice of experience: “Once on the eve of Holi, I had gone to the market with my flatmate. While coming back, she was hit on the ear by a balloon filled with coloured water. It hit her so hard that she couldn’t hear for a few days,” exclaims Priya Roy, a media professional.

THE COOL

Their motto: Keep it clean!

Their song: Holi khele Raghuveera...

Who: For this group, Holi is a festival to be enjoyed without getting unduly dirty, and definitely without messing up one’s hair. They are mainly older, and most likely have to report for work on Monday not looking like a monkey who has escaped from a multi-coloured zoo. You can recognise them by their all-white ethnic gear, while some may choose to ruin a fading pair of denims.

How: If you are a stranger, or even someone they know, they will smear a little colour on you and wait for you to do the same. As the day progresses, they will sing, especially under the influence of a few drinks, but they won’t be drinking bhaang. The one fuss factor is their looks and they might make frequent trips to the restroom to ensure that the distribution of colours on their faces looks right.

Voice of experience: “I love to play Holi, but I don’t believe in pushing those who would rather not,” says Arindam Bhattacharyya, media planner at an advertising agency.

THE COY

Their motto: Ooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah!

Their song: Mohe chhedo na nand ke lala... nahin main Radha teri...

Who: Women, mostly. You might think that they want to have nothing to do with Holi, but boy, do they! This is the day that every damsel feels free to let her distress show. At the beginning of the day you’ll find them watching the groups that pass by with lively interest. Though they are standing in plain sight in a public space, when someone finally splashes them with colour they’ll jump up and down in excitement, screaming their motto: “Ooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah!”

How: When they realise they have got sufficiently dirty that it no longer matters, they will pick up their kid brother’s/sister’s/neighbour’s pichkari and attack at arm’s length. No touching will transpire.

Voice of experience: “My mother is like that. She loves to see others play, but every year she initially tries to hide behind my father,” laughs Piyali Banerjee, 27, who herself gets as dirty as possible on this day.

THE PARANOID

Their motto: Touch me not!

Their song: Arre ja re hat natkhat… palat ke doongi aaj tujhe gaali re…

Who: They hate Holi with a vengeance. If the aggressors go to any lengths to cover themselves in colour, this is the opposite extreme. They keep their doors and windows tightly shut and no amount of banging will induce them to join in the celebrations. If they can afford an international holiday to a land where there is no Holi, they will take it.

How: No tools or weapons required. But an extra bar of soap is kept at hand, just in case.

Voice of experience: “One of my classmates runs away and screams her head off if approached. Last year, some friends went to her house and surprised her with colours. She was so upset. She complained about it for a month,” laughs Debolina Mukherjee, a Masters student at Presidency.

THE LOVERS

Their motto: Touch and go!

Their song: Holi ke din dil mil jaate hain...

Who: Mostly likely to be young — in school or college. Their parents don’t let them meet very frequently, and definitely do not know that they are an item. Holi is the perfect opportunity to get together for some under-their-noses flirtation.

How: Those who must avoid detection at any cost make sure they are so caked with gulal that their own mothers can’t recognise them. Others get together in a big enough group so that it is impossible for their parents to pinpoint who is line-maroing whom.

Voice of experience: “Even the origin of Holi and the lore connected with it are steeped in romance. There’s something very sweet about that little touch when you put colour on her,” feels Prithvi Deb, 29.

THE HORNY

Their motto: The licence to touch!

Their song: Ang se ang lagana sajan humein aise rang lagana...

Who: Sorry men, but this category is mostly made of you. There are some young members of this group, but the rank and file is made up of the 40-plus. Holi is the day that gives them the licence to touch, feel and grope. The para dadas and kakus are the most likely to enlist here.

How: They will hold you tighter than necessary when they hug you, their fingers will reach where they shouldn’t when they rub colour on you. They will also leer as they sing, often having downed one too many. The only way to hold the horny at bay is to look them straight in the face. After that, they wouldn’t dare. Give in and be a goner.

Voice of experience: “They especially target the younger girls. When I was younger, one man in my para whom I called uncle put abir inside my shirt. I felt molested, but he made it seem it was the most natural thing to do on Holi,” fumes Eulalie Bhattacharya, now in her thirties.

THE PARTY HOST

Their motto: I’m the host with the most!

Their song: Tan rang lo ji aaj man rang lo...

Who: The executive, the young techie, the socialite and the stars all feel at home in this category. For them, Holi is another excuse to party, maybe with colours as part of the buffet. Colours, thandai, bhaang, easy food and peppy upbeat music all flow free and last as long as the guests have energy.

How: Make sure the colour is unleashed in pre-designated areas. Otherwise, kiss your whole house goodbye.

Voice of experience: “Our Holi parties are wild… not those perfectly coordinated ones. The group meets at someone’s place and plays. It takes days for the colours to go and it would take days for the host to put the place back in order. Which is why to minimise individual damage we try to meet at someone’s flat in a complex and play there,” explains entrepreneur Sidharth Pansari.

THE PARTY HOPPER

Their motto: Where’s the party tonight?

Their song: Rang barse bheege chunar wali…

Who: This one is a social butterfly. He visits all the best parties in town for free liquor, free food and free gossip. To see and be seen. He will show up at the party — at least the first one — looking perfect even when he is sure to leave the venue in many different colours.

How: Networking starts well in advance, to make sure invites are in from every party worth being at. It is hard work, this one. Or, for a more intimate and meaningful day, keep it to a close group of friends and family.

Voice of experience: “In college, we used to have this Holi bash. We’d take a car, start with a few people in it, and then we’d go to one house and have a good time, pick our friends up from there and move on to the next house. It would carry on like that till late afternoon,” remembers restaurateur Naveen Pai.

THE PARTY POOPER

Their motto: Hic!

Their song: Jai jai shiv shankar...

Who: Both men and women populate this category. In the initial stages of intoxication it is all good fun. But it is usually all downhill from there. While the booze is still familiar territory for most, the effects of bhaang are far more difficult to forecast. Tears, laughter, hunger, sleep… expect it all, larger than life.

How: The less said the better.

Voice of experience: “Last year on Holi I went to a friend’s place and had bhaang, then I moved on to another friend’s place. After a long time I realised I just couldn’t get up. They dropped me home, and I crawled on all fours from my drawing room to the bedroom,” recalls Prithvi.