TYPES OF PEOPLE ON INSTAGRAM AND THE ‘STORIES’ THEY TELL
Boomerangs: Too many of them. With the inclusion of Boomerang in the Instagram interface, users have flocked to capture anything that moves, and cracked up watching it repeated back and forth, on loop. While stunts and jumps look great, failed dabs, smoke coming out of teapots and moving taxis are a snooze.
Insomniacs: A black screen alongside a skewed time tag and a prayer to the Gods of Sleep underneath it. These pitiful creatures consider their insomnia to be something that should be shared with the world. Usually there is also a lame message saying “awake” or “no sleep”.
The food bloggers (Or how to shoot a single laddu from five angles): These come in the form of three Instagram stories per day — breakfast, lunch and dinner. You can also figure out what kind of a day the “blogger” is having from the choice of pictures. If they are feeling rich, you will see ceramic cutlery and dinner buffets. On other days it is a steel plate and home food. And you’ll know if they go to a food festival, because you’ll have to spend an entire afternoon surfing through their pictures.
The struggling musician: Every single note that comes out of their instrument is sent out to the world for testing. During practice sessions, the number of posts go up, along with frequent cameos by their band mates. When they are bored, they cover Wonderwall by Oasis.
The Hannah Montanas: They want the best of both worlds. They use the face filters from Snapchat, but prefer the editing filters on Instagram. So they import the video from their Snapchat gallery and upload it through Instagram. You can usually find the same stories on their Snapchat.
The cartographers: They use the location tags to mark every single place they go to through the day, mapping out the city in the process.
LIFE OF A FACEBOOK ADDICT
♦ The first thing you do after waking up is scroll through your Facebook feed. You legit feel sad if there is no notification.
♦ You mindlessly go through your newsfeed whenever you are idle for more than 15 seconds.
♦ When you post something, you keep going back to the Facebook app on your phone to count the number of ‘Likes’. Less ‘Likes’ ruin your day.
♦ You are a pro at Facebook stalking. Your friends turn to you when they need to find someone but all they have is a first name.
♦ You have stalked your ex, your potential boyfriend and others so hard that you have ended up on their mother’s, sister’s, colleague’s profile.
♦ Sometimes you share useless information just ’cause you haven’t shared anything in a while.
♦ A check-in while doing something “cool” is a must.
♦ On the bright side, you have managed to snag an internship through people on your very sizeable friends list.
♦ Your guilty pleasure is reading through all the comments on someone else’s post. And the glee you feel when you spot an argument brewing is #PureGold. You might even drop a comment to instigate the fight.
♦ You have often been on the receiving end of messages that go: “Wanna do fraandship with me?”
♦ You might have been a victim of fake profiles.
vPeople have warned you of your FB addiction and you have vowed to deactivate your account just to show them you’re not addicted.
♦ But let’s be honest here. You know that day is never gonna come.
WHATSAPP GROUPS EVERY COLLEGE STUDENT IS A PART OF
♦ The (extended) family group: Your day begin with babies, flowers or butterflies because some distant aunt religiously sends “good morning” picture forwards in the group. You cannot exit this group no matter how often you think about it.
♦ The (close) family group: Consisting of mother and father, it is mostly used to find out whereabouts (by parents) and the menu for dinner (by you). Also often used to complain about the sibling if there is one.
♦ The college group: The most frequently asked questions are: “What time is class tomorrow?” and “When is the exam?”. This group becomes super-active right before exams with everyone hunting for notes at the last minute.
♦ The school group: Mostly stays inactive unless someone chances upon some exciting gossip about a former classmate. Numerous plans are made to meet up but very few materialise.
♦ The (formal) work group for interns: The group with seniors and bosses where you’ve inevitably at least once sent an inappropriate message and then banged your head against the wall. Also, the only group that is NEVER on mute.
♦ The (informal) work group for interns: The one where you decide what excuse to give to cover up for the mistakes made. Most messages before being sent to the formal group are proofread here first.
♦ The Goa plan group: Because let’s face it, your college life is incomplete if you aren’t planning a Goa trip.
♦ The best friends group: Usually, with only three or four members, this group has a media history that has the potential to ruin several lives.
♦ The birthday plan group: These keep popping up every once in a while when there’s a “surprise birthday” being planned.
♦ The group with your crush: You are a part of this group only because your crush is. You only become active here when he/she posts something.
♦ The cousins’ group: To discuss the young ones’ escapades and hear the older ones crib about everyone pestering them to get married.
♦ The one with yourself: Weird, but some people have it and use it as a notepad.
♦ The sports group: Becomes active before and during matches. Conversation ranges from expert commentary to intense cussing.
♦ The pictures group: Made solely for the purpose of making everyone send the pictures clicked at an event because hey, sharing the pics on social media is just as important as the event itself, right?
CONFESSIONS OF AN ONLINE STALKER
♦ Your friends turn to you when they want some information about their special someone. With a little digging you always manage to come up with something to report back.
♦ More than once your friends have told you that the FBI should hire you.
♦ You don’t know what a blind date is. You already know who your date liked back in Class X.
♦ You don’t just stalk, you save the information as screenshots. #CreepyButTrue
♦ You’ve met someone new and said, “I have seen you somewhere before.” It’s hard to remember whether you’ve actually met someone or just stalked them online.
♦ You’ve ended up in totally random profiles. One moment you’re stalking your crush, the next moment you’re looking at pictures of their sister’s little kid.
♦ You’ve been caught out when you ended up double-tapping somebody’s 158-weeks-old picture on Instagram.
♦ You don’t know how to have a conversation with someone you have stalked because what if you ask them about their 2013 Goa trip which they’ve never mentioned to you before!
DETOX FROM SOCIAL MEDIA
1 In the first 10 minutes after deleting your Instagram app and deactivating your Facebook account, you will think very highly of yourself. The first person you’ll tell this to is your mom because hasn’t she always been nagging you about being on the phone all the time?
2 After boasting to your mom and dad, you’ll start to wonder, why hasn’t anyone enquired about your absence yet. ‘Do I have no friends? When Kendall Jenner deleted her Gram, these were the very friends who lost their minds!’ You’ll sulk within yourself as now you can’t post about it.
3 You’ll pick up your phone out of habit and switch on the data but there are no notifications. You’ll realise there isn’t much to do on your phone now.
4 You’ll begin to wonder why exactly did you delete the apps. The only thing stopping you from reinstalling them is your mom’s smirk.
5 Being jobless takes on a whole new meaning. At least earlier you could post about it or spend the free time looking at memes.
6 You can’t help but agree with your mom and her nagging. You actually were always on your phone.
7 You’re no longer taking selfies because what’s the use if you look fly af (= looking cool) but can’t upload? You realise nobody really cares how you look IRL (= in real life).
8 Your stalking abilities have been put on hold. You find yourself squirming as you cannot use your superpower to prowl people’s profiles and collect leverage against them.
9 You actually find yourself opening your books and notes just to distract yourself from the gaping hole that has appeared in your life after deleting the social media apps.
10 Okay, enough! You eat humble (data) pie and reinstall all the apps. It’s been three days but you tell everyone it was a week.
Contributed by Rushabh Shah, Rupsha Bhadra, Debroop Basu, Sulogna Ghosh and Arunima Pal
