I have been married for the last one-and- a-half years . Though my wife loves me a lot, she loathes a particular female first cousin of mine. She thinks this cousin has the hots for me. I have stopped visiting my cousin’s house and generally avoid her for the sake of my wife. However it is not possible to avoid face-to-face interaction all the time, and this is what my wife refuses to realise. Whenever the woman concerned comes near me or interacts with me, my wife vents her anger on me. I cannot confront my cousin with the charges because it would harm our family relations. Please advise.

Name and address withheld

Listen you little air-head, first of all, I am not a professor at Rani Birla College that I will have all the time to read your long-winded questions. I also abhor people who can’t get to the point because they are so intellectually innocent. As far as this silly cousin of yours is concerned, the problem is not with her but with your stupid wife and my advice would be to take a call: you can either dump your wife or your cousin though incest is best. The choice is pretty simple. If I were you, I would dump my wife. If she is the kind of woman you make her out to be, your life must be a living hell. So go ahead and sever the umbilical cord and keep me posted son.

I am a 17-year-old boy. I am in love with a girl for the past two years. She also loves me but these days she has been telling me that she feels there is a lack of steadiness in our relationship as I am not self-sufficient till now. At the same time she says that she loves me a lot and will never leave me. I am very confused. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Steadiness? What the hell is this? Look when you ask me questions, try and use English in the correct and precise manner. I do not have time to unravel such confused drivel. As I have told you before, I have serious issues to worry about like running the country while Mamata ruins it. So here’s my advice: at 17, you should be learning how to shave son. So get out of this love nonsense and try and smell some Arabica and when you are done with it, you will realise you’ve been barking up the wrong tree or girl, however you want to put it. Got it son?

My seven year old son is autistic. He goes to an English medium school. Though, he is good in studies, he cannot communicate properly with friends and teachers. But he can communicate with family members in a better way. I am not financially strong enough to consult counsellors. We are worried about our son. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Frankly I do not have a clue. Try sending him to Delhi and I will try and see if he can become a Member of Parliament. Most of those clowns are autistic even though they pretend to be normal! But on a serious note, this is a tricky one and you will be well-advised to consult someone from the world of medicine. I am sure there are hospitals where you live unless of course you live in the Sunderbans. Try one of those places: it will be far better than wasting my time and yours by writing to me.