An engineer could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts up a board outside:

“Get treatment for Rs 300. If not treated, get back Rs 1,000.”

A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn Rs 1,000 and goes to the clinic.

Doctor: I have lost taste in eating.

Engineer: Nurse, bring medicines from box no. 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.

Doctor: But this is petrol!

Engineer: Congrats, you got your taste back. Give me Rs 300.

Doctor gets annoyed. After some days he goes back to recover his money.

Doctor: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.

Engineer: Nurse, bring medicines from box no. 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.

Doctor: But this is the medicine for taste of the tongue.

Engineer: Congrats. You got your memory back. Now give my Rs 300 fee.

Doctor goes back angrily and comes back after some days.

Doctor: My eyesight is become weak.

Engineer: Well I don’t have any medicine for this. Take Rs 1,000.

Doctor: But this is a Rs 500 note.

Engineer: Congrats. You got back your eyesight. Give my fees of Rs 300.

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Children are quick and always speak their minds. Here are a few examples:

Teacher: Mona, go to the map and find North America.

Mona: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: (in chorus) Mona.

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Teacher: Jai, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Jai: You told me to do it without using the tables.

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Teacher: Raju, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?

Raju: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

Teacher: No, that's wrong.

Raju: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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Teacher: Rohit, what is the chemical formula for water?

Rohit: H I J K L M N O.

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Rohit: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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Teacher: Jyoti, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.

Jyoti: Me!

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Teacher: Raj, why do you always get so dirty?

Raj: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’. 

Millie: I is...

Teacher: No, Millie. Always say: ‘I  am’.

Millie: All right. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Ashish, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Ashish: Because George still had the axe in his hand... 

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Teacher: Now, Simi, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Simi: No sir, I don’t have to. My mother is a good cook.

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Teacher: Chandu, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

Chandu: No sir, it’s the same dog.

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Teacher: Rahul, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Rahul: A teacher.

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A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: Which book has helped you most in your life?

The woman replied: My husband’s cheque book.

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An elderly woman decided to get her portrait painted.

She asked the artist to paint her with a diamond necklace and diamond ear-rings, emerald bracelets, a broach of ruby and a gold Rolex.

The confused artist: But, you aren't wearing them, nothing of them.

Old lady: I know. But if I die before my husband, I am sure he will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy searching for the jewellery.

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A Columbian, Russian, Arab and a Parsi were in a discussion during an antique collectors' dinner.

Columbian drug lord: "I have loads of money... I want to buy the world's 10 rarest pens."

Russian: "I am a billionaire... I want to buy the world's 20 most highly valued antique watches."

Arab: "That's nothing! I am a rich prince... I intend to purchase the world's top 50 vintage cars."

Then they wait for the Parsi to speak. He stirs his tea, bites into his Bun Maska, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip, back with hands on the head and softly says: "I am not selling."

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Doctor: Which soap do you use?

Patient: K.P. Johnson's soap.

Doctor: Paste?

Patient: K.P. Johnson's paste

Doctor: Shampoo?

Patient: K.P. Johnson's shampoo.

Doctor: Is K.P. Johnson an international brand?

Patient: No. K.P. Johnson is my roommate.

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These four classified advertisements appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7pm and ask for Mrs. Vani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah’s ad yesterday. It should have read, “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Vani, who lives with him after 7pm.”

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7pm and ask for Mrs. Vani who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Vani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

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A Polish man moved to the US and married an American lady. Although his English wasn't perfect they got along very well.

One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete?

I don't think you understand. Does either of u have a real grudge?

No, we have a carport and not need one.

I mean how are your relations?

All my relations are in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she is white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say: Polish Remover.

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Two well-dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant and orders two drinks. Then they got sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat them. 

Waitress: Sorry Sir! But you can't eat your own food here... It's against the rules.

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and exchanged their sandwiches and continued their meals.

(You can trust lawyers to find loopholes in any rule)