If you are an idiot or a lunatic, don’t waste your time reading this column. Because by the marriage laws of our country, which have stuck to the most politically incorrect terms possible, your marriage would not be considered valid.

Of course, by idiot they do not mean your garden-variety fool. Idiot here refers to those mentally incapacitated (though one dictionary’s definition of an idiot as a “person with subnormal intelligence” does little to clarify any confusion), as does the term lunatic. If you are clear on these essentials, you are ready to actually start the wedding planning process.

Here are some simple rules to get you going.

Rule 1: Forget all that you have heard about the Tomkat wedding, the Mittal wedding and even the faux Brangelina Madam Tussaud’s wedding. It ain’t gonna happen, and here’s why :
You won’t be able to have the $50,000 fee usually required to hire Odescalchi Castle at Lake Bracciano waived, as did Tom and Katie (because, clearly, they were running short of cash).

Your father does not have 30 million pounds to spend, as did Vanisha Mittal’s.

You are not made of wax.

Get real. Though both sets of parents may want to throw the party of a lifetime to celebrate the impending nuptials, it is possible to do so without steeling yourselves for bankruptcy. There is every chance that you will be steamrolled, here, but try and make yourself heard above the din about trying to land an Ash-Abhishek dance to razzle-dazzle 5,000 guests on the Victoria Memorial lawns. Yes, it has been done before. But only by one of the richest men on Earth.

Rule 2: Forget about the pomp and show for a minute to concentrate on the crux of the affair — the ceremony. Are you ready for a five-hour stint in front of the fire?

Before you brush this question under the carpet as a given, think about what you really want. Many people are disposing with ritual in ways that create meaning for themselves. So Arya Samaj weddings, small intimate affairs in the mandir or simply registrations followed by receptions are what some couples are choosing — and not just those who elope and do the deed in secret. Particularly with inter-faith and cross-cultural marriages on the rise.

Even if you choose to go for the whole shebang, it may make sense to find out more about what the ritual actually means, where once again the recent Italian job comes to mind. “Young men are free and may forget.” That is, apparently, part of the vows that were taken by Tom and Katie as part of their Church of Scientology ceremony.

Suddenly there seem to be many upsides to not marrying Tom Cruise.

And it gets better. Scientology apparently expects the groom to promise to provide the bride with “a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat”.

That puts a whole new spin on the term bride price. Which brings us to…

Rule 3: Down with dowry. You might think that a gift here and bauble there means no harm, that unless cash exchanges hands, it does not qualify as dowry. You would be wrong. The cars, the appliances, the furniture, the real estate… It all comes under that ugly D word. You need to decide where to draw your line, but if demands are made on either side, treat it like a warning siren and get out while you still can.

Rule 4: Give good taste a chance. With everyone telling you that it is just one day, and that all the jewellery in the world will look beautiful cascading off of every part of your body, just say NO.
This applies to him as well as her: he-jewellery is still more Sicilian mafioso than metrosexual (or Bappi Lahiri). And please, ban any mention of flower pots on the hood of the car designated to whisk you away to your wedding venue.

A word of warning: you risk incurring the wrath of your own parents, and your in-laws-to-be, which is enough to make even the most determined minimalist lose nerve. Screw your courage to the sticking place. Remember, this Lady Macbeth means well. In fact, the one thing she does not want is the throne. If the Lord would have his chair placed regally atop a stage for all to pay their homage, he should be left to rule, alone.