If you travel Air India, you must be prepared to find pilots missing. Thankfully, they don’t disappear from the cockpit; otherwise we may have had a Malaysian Airlines type mystery. They just never show up.

From the viewpoint of the management, this is AWOL (away without official leave). The pilots normally have enough legalese on their side — inadequate breaks between flights etc. This is one of the reasons the airline perpetually makes a loss.

What pilots can do, our bureaucrats can do even better. The Narendra Modi government is trying to tackle this through a website styled attendance.gov.in. This is a biometric attendance system on wall-mounted terminals. Any company can board the scheme. (It is currently being tested in Delhi.) You check in with your fingerprint and a six-digit code. It’s early days yet, but the babus are already talking about ways to beat the system. The simplest method: dismantle the fingerprint scanner. The solution: put a surveillance camera on the scanner. Now the first target is the camera; ever seen what happens to such equipment at government offices, where even glasses to drink water from have to be chained to the wall.

It’s complicated enough as it is. Take a look at the FAQ. “What each ERROR means. Error 300 or 500 – Mark your attendance using other finger/thumb; Error 997 – Your fingerprints are not properly registered at UIDAI. Please get your fingerprints and iris re-scanned at permanent Aadhaar Centres near you.” And there are so many errors in between.

Another class apparently perpetually on leave are primary school teachers (except at midday meal time). According to a World Bank research project on teacher absenteeism, 25 per cent of teachers at India’s government primary schools absent themselves from work on any given day, and only 50 per cent of teachers present in schools are actually engaged in teaching. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

Absenteeism in industry is a bigger problem in India than elsewhere. Global studies show that 30-35 per cent of pay costs of companies are absence-related (which includes official leave). According to workforce management firm Kronos, globally 10 per cent of the cost is because of ‘casual leave’; in India, it is about 15-20 per cent. Just this one statistic can derail Modi’s Make in India effort.

Why do people bunk without warning? A study at Titan, a Tata Group company, gives the main reasons as marriages, visiting hometowns and religious places, domestic problems, lack of coordination amongst colleagues, and health issues. Marriages may be made in heaven but they are normally well planned on earth. So why do you need to go AWOL? The answer, says an HR manager, is because you may need to unwind after a strenuous few days. Besides, when you ask for 15 days leave, you are granted 12. So you take your three days extra (which is considered absenteeism).

While this is a very serious subject, there is a humorous angle to it too. CareerBuilder has recently compiled a list of the odd excuses people give (see box). Indians can be just as innovative. PosterGully has put up some ‘Indian’ excuses. An edited sample:

I have Aadhaar Card verification today.

I came to support India against Corruption.

Last night I ate my pup’s dinner by mistake and he mine.

I went to visit my ailing grandmother during the weekend and missed the return flight.

I have a pimple on my sitting support system and it hurts.

Today is my grandfather’s 99th birthday.

The grandfather’s cremation as an excuse is out; after all, you will soon run out of grandfathers. The birthday is in; age cannot wither him (even if he is a dear departed). Nor custom stale the infinite variety of grandfather excuses.

FERTILE IMAGINATION

Excuses given by employees for not reporting for work

• Employee just put a casserole in the oven.
• Employee’s plastic surgery for enhancement purposes needed some 'tweaking' to get it just right.
• Employee was sitting in the bathroom and her feet and legs fell asleep. When she stood up, she fell and broke her ankle.
• Employee had been at the casino all weekend and still had money left to play with on Monday morning.
• Employee woke up in a good mood and didn't want to ruin it.
• Employee had a “lucky night” and didn’t know where he was.
• Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn't get out.
• Employee had a gall stone they wanted to heal holistically.
• Employee uniform caught fire when it was put in the microwave to dry.
• Employee accidentally got on a plane.

Source: CareerBuilder survey of US workers