Monday, 30th October 2017

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By TT Bureau
  • Published 4.08.12

Jism 2 is a wonder. That vishesh piece of motion picture which can turn you into a freeze frame. That day is not far when the world will be divided into two kinds of people — the ones who saw Jism 2 and the ones who didn’t. The people from the first category would not dare tocome out in the open but they would all remember the horrors of the night.

Nothing that you have ever seen or you would ever see can prepare you for this. If you have spent many a Sunny moment on your lappie, chances are that you won’t miss her bloom on the big screen. For those used to more routine home entertainment, you may go in thinking it to be a sequel of the John-Bipasha-generated Body Heat. But Jism 2 is much, much more… pure Wood, Ed Wood… so bad it’s stuff of legends.

Here’s an eyewitness account; an attempt to narrate the unnarratable. There she lay on the ground, a gun near her head. And a hard drive. Stop chewing on the pun. She calls herself Isna the pornstar and she will tell you her story. IsshhNaa! Splash, she comes out of the bath tub and starts lingering in her lingerie. The first of many, many times. Clearly she’s not used to lingering that long.

The self-proclaimed custodians of mainstream erotica, the Bhatts, have no clue that pornstars don’t go out at night to hunt down clients.Their leading lady could have helped… if she was in on the script.

Anyway, it’s Arun--day! And the fair knight rises. Whatever she does to him at night, next morning he claims to be from the

Intelligence Bureau! No kidding.

Mr IBu has an offer for her. She has to fly with him to some foreign country in the next couple of days and save her country by taking off her clothes. That’s it. Not a word more, not a word less. IsshhNaa

gets autobiographical and says: “Mulk ki madad toh main pehle se kar rahi hoon... kapde utaad ke.” Badi Sunny Sunny hai!

But our jughead has the line that Pooja Bhatt must have used on Madame Leone to lure her into a Bollywood career. “Har jism ki ek expiry date hoti hai!” She instantly asks for Rs 10 crore and happily flies away with IBu to Sri Lanka on her strip-to-save mission. Her off-screen fees, though, must have hurt Poppa Bhatt because they could only afford what must be the worst dubbing artiste in the history of histrionics.

Why shukno Lanka? Kyunki Galle Galle mein phirta hai Kabir (Randeep Hooda). “Yeh koi maamooli aadmi nahin hai, yeh hai assassin,” says local IB Guru (Arif Zakaria, with extra ham and cheese).

And there starts her panting. The celebrity import uses her vast on-camera experience in deep breathing and continuous huffing-and-puffing in each one of her scenes. So whether IsshhNaa is sad or happy, serious or chirpy, she is always pant-pant-pant. Pant or no pant!

Now mellow with the cello, Kabir used to be her lover and she has to seduce him afresh to extract guro moshla. Data! Data! Data! Everyone keeps shouting in the film. Soon the playmates reunite and Sunny goes Hooda Hooda The Bang The Bang The Bang! Sometimes then, sometimes now. No, no don’t get excited, it’s just the location hotel’s spa advertisement as they go rub-a-dub-dub.

Tel maalish is fine but how long can you emote in front of a wall? A wall with curves. So Mr Bang starts going barmy. He listens to Mukesh,reads Che Guevera, quotes the Bible and comes up with gems like: “Joaadmi sochta hai ki woh kal khush hoga, woh kabhi khush nahin hota”.

Cue for another romp. “Iss pal ko amar kar dete hain.” Our lady eveready.Meanwhile, IBu Hatela has become Devdas. He drinks little, cries a lot and then pans pencil torches across IsshhNaa’s body as she sleeps. God knows what he finds, he cries even more.

“You f***ed him? You f***ed him?” he asks.

She: “Nahin… yes!”

He brings out one of those tiny homoeopathic bottles and asks her to poison Mr Bang’s coffee.

The caffeine kick means the climax changes from ghastly to ghostly, till you start seeing your own remains on the screen.

Jeeeeez… ummmm… thooo.

Sadly, Pooja Bhatt gives her female audience little to drool over — except sunny’s curves & clothes!

I’ve been tricked by Pooja Bhatt. Only a couple of days back, just before Jism 2 hit the halls, my Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin darling had told t2: “I have made him [Randeep Hooda] strip to get even with the double standards in Bollywood…” Atta girl, I said.

After watching Jism 2, my question is, where?! Did she mean the lungi-clad Randeep rubbing oil into Sunny Leone’s deliciously bare back or the nipple show when she rips open his leather jacket right at the beginning?

There I was, sitting in the movie hall cradling a steaming cup of coffee, all primed for some steamy man muscles and all I get is that?

And let’s not even begin talking about Arunoday Singh. All that’s worth mentioning of him is his midriff playing peek-a-boo with the camera when he does a rather impressive back-flip while fighting Randeep’s crony. Oh, and a shot of him in a Speedo in the pool that lasts exactly three nano-seconds. The rest is all about his bulging muscles straining against his full-sleeve shirts.

The only thing Pooja’s really given her female audience to drool over in this two-hour-twelve-minute movie is a full-body shot of Randeep in a black pair of really short shorts, standing against the light. Yum! Sadly, the camera doesn’t linger, the gaze doesn’t trace his sculpted physique, the light doesn’t ripple off his sinewy shoulders.

No, the director has other, more er important, things to do — namely squeeze out emotions from three beautiful bodies that can’t act to save their lives and hold together a script with more holes than Sunny Leone’s red dress in the nightclub!

After the curiously asexual Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and now Jism 2, my conclusion is that when women turn Bollywood directors, they acquire a male gaze. So, even though Zoya Akhtar had two hunks and Abhay Deol at her disposal, she doesn’t do with Hrithik and Farhan what Homi Adajania does when he has Deepika and Diana to play with in Cocktail.

And despite all her protestations, Pooja’s Jism 2 is really about the jism of pornstar Sunny Leone. But what a jism it is! Disappointed as I was at being short-changed in the men’s section, I soon found myself mesmerised by the beauty of the body called Sunny Leone.

Jism 2 is not a flesh fest. Pooja has celebrated Sunny’s body but not by making her go nude every few minutes. No, in fact she dresses up Sunny in the most beautiful of clothes, super-stylish and super-sexy! My favourite is that white off-shoulder dress she wears when she goes to Randeep to profess her love. It shows off her ample cleavage and toned shoulders to smouldering effect.

Shorts, jackets, maxis, cage heels, messy plait — Sunny’s fashion in Jism 2 is spot-on! Watch out for her nightwear, they are as sexy as they are cute. Heck, I’m almost getting a girl crush… on her wardrobe, that is.

If Vidya Balan and her tummy tyres in The Dirty Picture made me happy in my own skin, Sunny Leone’s stunning fashion in Jism 2 makes me want to hit the gym again. Now all I need is a gym instructor like Ricky Bahl!