Not even termites can find space in Ahmedabad ahead of the biggest event to prove India’s Vishwaguru status. With 97 cameras expected to capture the action, the Prime Minister will take centre stage on Sunday in the stadium named after him and go on a pre-victory lap ahead of an even more one-sided competition next year. The greatest fact-spinner that India has produced till date will also unveil a special ball for the final, which only a true deshbhakt can control, alongside conducting the coin toss on his forehead.
Meanwhile, the most important man in Indian cricket, who has redefined risk-taking over the past few weeks by caring little about conventions, structures and perception, is finally on the verge of lifting cricket’s greatest prize. Even more desperate than Virat Kohli to touch the object of his desire, this man has overcome fat-shaming and language-shaming to be the envy of every Sharma ji ke beta. On Sunday, he will become the first BCCI secretary to celebrate with the World Cup trophy before handing it over to Rohit Sharma or Pat Cummins.
Elsewhere, several influencers turn into social scientists after studying thousands of images of the sky on Instagram stories. Among their findings is the discovery of the inverse relationship between a pretty sky and self-esteem.
Wondering what else happened as you craved for filters to do to your face what it does to the sky? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 13
“I’ve been inspired after listening to the chief minister’s impromptu jingles during her speeches,” admits Mick Jagger on his visit to Kolkata
TT archives- Having spent a few days in Kolkata, Mick Jagger decides to change the Rolling Stones logo to two conjoined flowers in honour of “the one who is worshipped even more than Kali in Bengal”.
- The Central Pollution Control Board (CPCB) announces that Delhi and Kolkata are both in dire straits when it comes to pollution levels, with the capital narrowly beating the City of Joy on toxicity due to the presence of more opinionated uncles.
November 14
Half the strength of top IIM faculties will be replaced with political campaign managers, who should turn out to be better teachers of profitable business practices
TT archives- The Centre announces that it will wield greater control over the much-acclaimed Indian Institutes of Money-making (IIMs), starting with the compulsory teaching of the BJP’s electoral campaigns in all IIM marketing courses.
- The IT Cell causes outrage among the Congress by forgetting to wish Jawaharlal Nehru on his birth anniversary while remembering to wish Rahul Gandhi a happy Children’s Day.
November 15
“Since Beijing is 13 hours ahead of Washington, I’ve requested Xi to keep me and my team apprised of key events in the immediate future,” says Joe Biden
TT archives- Joe Biden and Xi Jinping meet in San Francisco to discuss how both can sleep better at night. After hours of deliberation during which both tried to speak English, Biden and Xi agree to “derisk but not to decouple in order to preserve our cherished belief in capitalism without borders”.
- Following in-depth analysis of dozens of spreadsheets, the Economist concludes that too many children are dying in Gaza because too many are being born.
November 16
“I’m pro-convenience,” answers David Cameron when asked about whether he is for or against Brexit
TT archives- In the greatest British comeback since the invasion of Iraq in 2003, David Cameron returns to the UK Cabinet, this time as foreign secretary, on account of his “unprecedented knowledge” of how to placate liberals and conservatives by professing to be both.
- David Fincher’s The Killer is hailed by critics for having “the meticulousness to kill the viewer’s interest before it kills the villains”.
November 17
Asked to rate Deepika Padukone’s best performance by Karan Johar, Alia Bhatt says: “The one she gave on your show.”
TT archives- On the latest episode of Confessions without Calories, Alia Bhatt responds to comparisons with Deepika Padukone: “All I can say is that I’ve been much better at playing the role of a happy partner to Ranbir Kapoor.”
- Tributes pour in for the deceased Subrata Roy, with celebrities saluting the former Sahara boss for his pioneering ability to unite politicians, cricketers and film stars at wet bars.
