More than seven decades after Independence, government officers in India finally have something to get excited about other than the red and blue beacons on their cars. Select rath prabharis will now have the chance to “showcase/celebrate the achievements” of their bosses, the joy of which is second only to the joy of praising one’s ex(es). The election commission (the second ‘c’ is silent) has refused to intervene, probably because its model code of conduct kicks in only when an incumbent minister feels offended.
Meanwhile, the Opposition has drawn up a list of major ‘achievements’ in India since 2014 that deserve to be highlighted ahead of the 2024 feel-ections (because vikas is all about vibes). Notable among them are — the 2A structure of the Indian economy along the lines of the Gujarati model, the need for state governors to do something, the complete separation of powers between the spineless and the fearless, the rise of influencers as true journalists, and the identification of Rahul Gandhi’s real passion (which is to give interviews).
Elsewhere, according to inside reports at No Balls, should India win the ongoing Cricket World Cup, the trophy will be sent around the country on victory parades led by the BJP.
Wondering what else happened as you struggled to find an adjective to recommend your colleague on LinkedIn? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 23
“It’s fair to say I feel more hungry than democratic on most days,” admits Smriti Irani
TT archives- Smriti Irani responds to queries about the state of India’s democracy from Why Survey When You Can Ping (WSWYCP) by saying: “Look, it all depends on when you text me, and whether I’m speaking or listening at that point.”
- The UNESCO plaque at Santiniketan includes the name of the Prime Minister at the expense of Rabindranath Tagore, since the former has been far more effective at promoting nationalism and long beards. Moreover, when it comes to international fraternity, not even Tagore can claim to have hugged as many foreigners as the PM.
October 24
“It’s easier to kill demons on Twitter than in real life,” sighs Kangana Ranaut
TT archives- Following more fumbles on Dussehra than any star kid can recollect from their first screen test, Kangana Ranaut eventually sets fire to a Ravana effigy that has one head of perfectly groomed hair, a ripped body and eleven fingers.
- A new feature on Tinder lets friends and family play matchmakers (a few centuries after the real world), allowing them to choose dates who are most likely to give their loved ones a different personality.
October 25
Xi Jinping’s comments were not broadcast in Hong Kong or Taiwan
TT archives- A week or so after hosting its latest One Bully One Rogue (OBOR) conference, Chinese premier Xi Jinping offers his take on the Israel-Palestine conflict: “It’s not just irresponsible but also inhumane of Israel to attempt to remote-control a whole nation and its people into subservience without even recognising the nation for what it is.”
- Elon Musk offers to donate $1 billion to Wikipedia, provided the world’s greatest teacher after Reddit gives him exclusive editing access to the pages of Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos.
October 26
“I thought the Daily Mail was kind to right wingers,” fumes David Beckham, who never admits to the affair in his documentary
TT archives- The Daily Mail in the UK, which can pick out a controversy faster than David Beckham could pick out a pass, has identified the woman Beckham had an affair with while at Real Madrid. Praising Beckham for his honesty, the woman says: “David never hid what he really wanted. From day one, he made it clear that he was doing this purely as fodder for a future documentary.”
- With Emily Blunt apologising for calling a waitress ‘enormous’ in her past life, The Association of Uncancelled Celebrities (AUC) has decided that the only appropriate phrase to describe overweight individuals is “persons with a calorie disorder”.
October 27
“Alia (Bhatt) will make for a great Sita, as she won’t have to wear any lipstick,” believes Ranbir Kapoor
TT archives- Ranbir Kapoor has confirmed that he will soon be portraying the role of Rama, for which he has already started preparing by “giving up on alcohol, drugs and non-veg while continuing to patronise my wife”.
- For the new season of Koffee with Karan, which is set to feature Karan Johar’s best-ever scripts, guests will be presenting the host with a hamper (including a premium Grindr subscription) so that he does not force them to sidestep more people at Bollywood parties.
