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The week that should have been

My Kolkata looks at how the past seven days transpired in a parallel universe, tongue permanently in cheek

Priyam Marik | Published 12.08.23, 02:13 PM
(L-R) Neymar, Kajol and Rahul Gandhi are among the newsmakers of the week

(L-R) Neymar, Kajol and Rahul Gandhi are among the newsmakers of the week

Photos: TT archives

Ahead of celebrating nine years of Indian independence (some compulsive contrarians seem to think it is 76 years), the BJP passes a vote of no confidence against the Opposition. INDIA responds by furiously refreshing ChatGPT in search of a suitable reply, while India is busy refreshing MakeMyTrip and confirming which of their relatives had died last year in their email thread with HR.

Meanwhile, as part of his address from the Red Fort on August 15, the Prime Minister is finally expected to speak on Man-i-pur (the city of the imagination), which belongs to a country with a $5 trillion economy, where Akshay Kumar and other desh bhakts stay after giving up on their Canadian citizenship, and where the life expectancy of cows has overtaken that of “illegal immigrants”.

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Elsewhere, the British government has asked Shashi Tharoor to pay semantic reparations for “single-handedly destroying decades of carefully crafted British history in the UK”.

Wondering what else happened while you were fired as your neighbourhood’s I-Day DJ for compiling a series of break-up songs? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

August 7

Rahul Gandhi will consult with YouTube vloggers before deciding on his seat for the 2024 elections so as to ensure minimal travel for his interviewers

Rahul Gandhi will consult with YouTube vloggers before deciding on his seat for the 2024 elections so as to ensure minimal travel for his interviewers

  • According to insiders in the Congress (those who have heard Manmohan Singh speak), Rahul Gandhi is miffed at being reinstated as a Member of Parliament, since he will once again be expected to campaign for elections with the objective of winning.
  • To curb wasteful expenditure, a new bill in Parliament wants all Indian weddings to cap its guest list at 100 (unless a minister is invited), remove all Mughlai dishes from the menu (for their cost on “Indian culture”), and contribute the amount supposed to be spent on fireworks to the Mandir Wahi Banayenge Fund (MWBF). There is, however, no ceiling when it comes to “gifts offered by the bride’s family to the groom’s as a mark of tradition”.

August 8

Kajol reveals that the first and last time she was paid the same as her male co-star was when she was cast opposite Bobby Deol

Kajol reveals that the first and last time she was paid the same as her male co-star was when she was cast opposite Bobby Deol

  • Kajol offends everyone in Bollywood except Kangana Ranaut after she suggests that “men and women in the industry should be paid according to the size of their egos”.
  • The Confused Board of Film Certification (CBFC) has asked the makers of Jawan to indefinitely delay the release of the film until trolls find at least two reasons to boycott it.

August 9

As part of his daily one-hour relaxation time, Alexei Navalny will be made to watch Vladimir Putin’s speeches on loop

As part of his daily one-hour relaxation time, Alexei Navalny will be made to watch Vladimir Putin’s speeches on loop

  • Alexei Navalny, the only name that unnerves Vladimir Putin apart from that of his imaginary girlfriend, has been sentenced to 126 years in prison for the “treachery of planning to install a democracy in Russia”. During his time in jail, Navalny is expected to help Russian scientists understand the effects of rare poisons on the human body.
  • Disney explains its decision to secure the broadcasting rights to the much-anticipated cage match between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg on the following grounds: “We’ve always been the No. 1 platform in the world when it comes to showing cartoons.”

August 10

To mark the success of the summit, each country will be given special Amazonian wood as a good luck charm

To mark the success of the summit, each country will be given special Amazonian wood as a good luck charm

  • At a summit on the Amazon (the one Jeff Bezos is yet to own) in Brazil, countries with historical claims on the world’s largest rainforest reach an agreement, which promises that for every 1,000 trees that are felled in the Amazon, each signatory government will issue 10 tweets condemning deforestation.
  • Almost two years after the US ghosted Afghanistan, the Association of Western Saviour Complex (AWSC) laments that Afghanistan’s woeful economy is making life unsustainable for domestic terrorists.

August 11

Barcelona have tried to reassure Neymar that penalties will be the duty of Robert Lewandowski even if the Brazilian returns

Barcelona have tried to reassure Neymar that penalties will be the duty of Robert Lewandowski even if the Brazilian returns

  • Neymar rolls back on a move to Barcelona after learning that nightclubs in the city have started penalising customers for not being able to stand on their own two feet.
  • Farhan Akhtar confirms that a new Don will be taking over Bollywood, before allegedly making a series of clarification calls to Dubai. As part of the official explanation, Akhtar says: “Shah Rukh Khan being chased by Priyanka Chopra is no longer possible, as I can’t have Gauri Khan chasing me anymore.”
Last updated on 12.08.23, 11:36 PM
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