The Centre for Surveys for Surveys’ Sake (CSSS), based in London, has named the BJP as the most flexible party on the planet for “possessing morals that are more stretchable than its supreme leader’s muscles”. The BJP, well aware that the average Indian cares as much about morals today as they do about Doordarshan, welcomes the verdict and celebrates ‘flexibility’ as a pillar of its Make in India movement. Several BJP officials justify this by tweeting in unison about how all beneficiaries of its flexibility, irrespective of bank balance, surname or private jets, have been forced to enjoy their gains within the borders of India.
Meanwhile, shortly after getting bail in his political defamation case, Rahul Gandhi and his family stuns the world and themselves by quitting the Congress. The centuries-old political party instantly pivots to become an NGO (non-Gandhi organisation) in the hope of continuing to win favours without having to win elections.
Elsewhere, the RSS bans the sale and purchase of Easter eggs of all shapes and sizes in Uttar Pradesh following viral images of a few samples that eerily resemble a sacred phallus.
Wondering what else happened while you were shocked to find some Easter eggs of your own on your partner’s search history? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 3
The Ambanis are debating the launch of the world’s first clout server to help manage their social capital
TT archives- After hosting the most explosive gathering in Mumbai history (sorry, Shiv Sena), Mukesh and Nita Ambani are set to be cast in an upcoming Marvel film as a superhero couple protecting global capitalism from good taste.
- Monk mode is gaining traction across white collar jobs in India, with employees refusing to worry about moonlighting during office hours, not consuming tea (or tobacco) with their colleagues, and accidentally matching on Bumble with their managers.
April 4
Donald Trump initially resisted arrest for half an hour as there were not enough photographers at the spot
TT archives- Donald Trump surrenders to 1461 counts of felony charges in New York as part of his first official photo-op for next year’s presidential campaign.
- Humza Yousaf, the new First Minister of Scotland who has Pakistani ancestry, holds a series of consultations with Rishi Sunak, the Prime Minister of the UK who has Indian ancestry, on how Britain can be divided and ruled peacefully through civilised politics.
April 5
Sanna Marin is looking forward to a life where she no longer has to explain her Instagram activity to an entire nation
TT archives- Sanna Marin is voted out as Prime Minister of Finland after Finns get tired of her ability to maintain the perfect work-life balance.
- UFC and WWE, two of the biggest producers of violence for entertainment purposes after the CIA, will soon merge into one entity to reduce the workload of Brock Lesnar’s negotiating team.
April 6
The WhatsApp chat lock feature ensures that nobody other than Meta employees can read a user’s conversations without their consent
TT archives- Teenage girls in south Kolkata, tired of their prying boyfriends, are relieved to hear of WhatsApp’s new chat lock feature, which they intend to use by setting their six-month anniversary dates as the passcode.
- History textbooks for middle and high-school students in India will now be printed without any mention of the Mughal empire to discourage the youth against making grand gestures in love.
April 7
Ayan Mukerji has been temporarily banned from using ChatGPT by OpenAI for repeatedly asking the chatbot “how to create chemistry between Ranbir and Alia”
TT archives- Brahmastra 2 and 3 have been announced for 2026 and 2027, respectively, as director Ayan Mukerji is confident that AI would have progressed sufficiently by then to write scripts of entire blockbusters.
- The Gossip Crusader has leaked some early details about the planned Harry Potter TV series that is designed to ruin a few million childhoods. Among the changes introduced for the series are — the sorting of main characters into their pronouns before their houses, the replacement of “mudblood” with “differently abled DNA”, swapping horcruxes for blockchains, and cancelling Dumbledore for living too long as a powerful, white male.
