Diwali in Kolkata is a lot like Christmas in North Korea in that you really wish you were “Someplace else”. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not a cynic. But there is a point at which I realise I have many Marwari relatives in Kolkata that I never knew I never wanted to meet. I’m not saying they are not decent folk. I’m just saying there are times I can understand why Putin might feel the urge to press the red button. With his fireworks show being watched around the world, and thanks to the energy crisis, there is a good chance that Diwali next year will be a festival of fights instead of lights.
Now enough jokes have been written about the same gift being sent from one person to another instead of being consumed. I wonder if we could do the same with children. If I could gift my child who refuses to turn on the video during online classes to another relative with “Happy Diwali,” I would be interested to see how far he is passed on before he finally comes back to me. I hope he doesn’t end up with Putin because then the whole world will get to see Diwali.
There was a lot of noise in the NRI media about Diwali finally being declared a holiday in the United States. Because surely what could be better than exporting our culture of excess public holidays and loss of productive man hours. Now watch the same people also complain about delays in US visas because the consulate is on Diwali break.
Now, I am not a cynic but I am tired of all these news anchors going “FOR 2 YEARS WE WERE NOT ABLE TO CELEBRATE DIWALI LIKE WE USED TO. THIS YEAR WE CAN FINALLY DO OUR LAST MINUTE DIWALI SHOPPING AT WHY KIA BECAUSE BRAND PAID US MONEY TO PLUG THIS SEGMENT. ACTUALLY I CAN’T AFFORD ANYTHING I AM PROMOTING. HOW IS THIS NEWS? WHY DID I TAKE BACHELOR OF ARTS AND NOT DO MBA!!!"..........................explodes into an anaar!
Now I am not a.. okay fine.. maybe I am a cynic. And I have a good reason to be cynical of anyone selling anything on Diwali because of a traumatic childhood memory. When I bought an expensive firecracker with my dad from a salesman who said, “This will explode in the sky and show you the weapons of the five Pandavas,” it went kaput on the ground and the only thing that exploded was my father’s anger at allowing myself to be ripped off by a hustler. At this point he felt more like Homer Simpson screaming “DOH!” at his child’s gullible nature. But then Bart Simpson does have a way of always saving the day.
I showed dad my stock portfolio of firecracker stocks and explained why I was discouraging the kids from discouraging fireworks in the name of climate change. My father beamed with pride and is still probably beaming from somewhere right through the smog and the floods we’ve been blessed with this year. But please do not blame the cyclone on me just because you’re a cynic.
So this Diwali, I hope you will join me in doubling your wealth by investing in my new startup venture. It makes fireworks that explode in the sky and show you the true value of your stock portfolio after it has been attacked by the five Pandavas of Xi, Putin, Inflation, Covid and Diwali shopping.
The author is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.
