After a long wait that seems shorter than the reward for waiting, India’s only unifying force apart from potholes and patriarchy, also known as the IPL, is back. For season 16, two major rule changes have been introduced. First, every team will get to exercise an Impact Sponsor option, wherein they can suspend a match at any point for a maximum of three minutes to disrupt the opposition’s momentum and play an ad of their most impactful sponsor. Second, each team’s captain is allowed to prepare two starting lineups, before deciding on which one to field based on Twitter trends at the toss.
Meanwhile, Ramachandra Guha, whose disdain for the IPL is second only to his disdain for Rahul Gandhi, predicts that in three years’ time, the average IPL match will last longer than the average Test match in India. Guha’s statement comes as encouragement for Indian men in their 20s and 30s whose fantasies move from incognito mode to Dream11 every summer.
Elsewhere, the Twitter account of Tihar jail posts a picture showing special IPL screening facilities for Lalit Modi and Vijay Mallya, only for netizens to belatedly realise that it is April 1. The State Bank of India and the BCCI flag the account for “misleading activity”, but are gently reminded that they have been fooled before.
Wondering what else happened while your partner fooled you into thinking that you are entitled to a “free hit” every time they are not in town? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 27
The BJP and the AAP have accused each other of secretly supporting Amritpal Singh Sandhu to damage the other’s image
TT archives- Amritpal Singh Sandhu, specialising in the sweet spot between activism and terrorism, flees India over confusion on which political party to blame for his unfulfilled dream of Khalistan.
- BJP politicians in Rajasthan vehemently criticise the Right to Health bill passed in the state, as it strongly affects their leaders’ Right to Promises during election season.
March 28
Benjamin Netanyahu confirms that Israel is open to accommodating every single Palestinian worth a billion dollars and more
TT archives- With large-scale civilian protests continuing in Israel, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announces a halt on his government’s controversial plans to curtail the judiciary after noticing the sudden spike in applications for US green cards among Israeli entrepreneurs.
- Shou Zi Chew, the CEO of TikTok, tells the US Congress that his company’s sole mission in the US is to “contribute towards American democracy by downscaling the IQ levels of its users to match those of their politicians”.
March 29
Lionel Messi refuses to have his likeness emblazoned on Argentine notes given the plummeting state of the Argentine peso
AFA- Lionel Messi politely declines the presidency of Argentina after learning that the country has fewer “economic levers” to pull than FC Barcelona.
- Inspired by the selective self call-out model pioneered by the New York Times, The Guardian apologises for having historical links with slavery and guarantees three extra crosswords per week for its black subscribers as reparations.
March 30
Priyanka Chopra believes that the best thing about working in the US is not having to “share my flight schedules with the paparazzi”
TT archives- In the latest example of an Indian insulting India abroad by spreading unverified truth, Priyanka Chopra admits on a US talk show that “I was isolated in Bollywood because I couldn’t sync my tweets or my dates (including numerical ones) with the rest of the A-listers ”.
- Grimes, part-time singer and full-time nomenclator, announces that she and Elon Musk will give their daughter a new name every month for a whole year, before sticking to whichever name is the hardest to register legally. Among the ones lined up for later this year are Scarred4Life, X25DC, Musk Baby 96 and Attention Driver.
March 31
Those who listened to Ashneer Grover’s advice regarding appraisals question if they would have been better off listening to Ankur Warikoo
TT archives- Employees in Indian start-ups who watched over 500 Ashneer Grover reels during appraisal week realise too late that their bosses are the original masters of doglapan.
- According to the 2023 Fake in India (FII) report, the five best skills of Indian youngsters are — circulating debt in canteens, doing window shopping online, sidestepping NRI cousins at weddings, mistaking engagement for emotions, and saving the world one unpaid internship at a time.
