With a host of Indian celebrities losing their Twitter Blue icons (because they tried paying $8 through SBI), their followers have come up with their own verification mechanisms. Shah Rukh Khan has been asked to go live on #AskSRK just when most Indians are napping with open eyes in office, Priyanka Chopra has been asked to tweet about social justice issues to the west of the Atlantic Ocean, and Rahul Gandhi has been asked to post at least three happy selfies from any state which the Congress claims is experiencing conflict.
Meanwhile, all cabinet ministers in India have already earned the trust of Twitter users in the absence of their blue ticks by retweeting all of Narendra Modi’s posts. For proof of whether the Prime Minister’s own account is real, Tweeple have been reassured that every third person he follows on Twitter continues to be a hate monger.
Elsewhere, with WhatsApp announcing that it can now run on as many as four separate phones, Indian youngsters brace themselves to be triggered by their family members four times every morning.
Wondering what else happened while your ex promised to block you on every single one of their phones? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 24
The Caravan has also called out Sachin Tendulkar for spending more time doing nothing in the Mumbai Indians dugout than he did in the Rajya Sabha
TT archives- On Sachin Tendulkar’s 50th birthday, The Caravan lists 50 instances when “The Master Blaster refused to bat for justice”. These include “gladly exercising his Brahmin privilege by agreeing to be lifted on the shoulders of non-Brahmins for victory laps”, “playing too many straight drives since 2010 to provide a full view of Nazi sympathisers Adidas”, and “deliberately silencing the voices of countless Indians by repeatedly wearing noise-cancelling headphones in public”.
- To mark World Book Day, Harper Collins reveals the names of five titles it regrets rejecting — How to Read for Instagram Stories, The Complete Works of Reddit’s No. 1 Sh*tposter, Racism without Racists, Uncle Epstein’s Island, and To Kill a Talking Bird.
April 25
When asked about what he makes of India under the BJP, Aamir Khan has three words: “All is well”
TT archives- At a special conclave of Mann ki Baat, Aamir Khan, on behalf of Bollywood, showers praise on the country’s finest radio show host of all time: “Jahanpanah! Tussi great ho… tohfa kabool karo!”
- Ahead of the Assembly elections in Karnataka, the BJP promises all failed innopreneurs (entrepreneurs whose sole innovation is their designation) in Bengaluru a one-way ticket to the real Silicon Valley.
April 26
Several finfluencers have been found to underreport their incomes as often as they overreport their following
TT archives- Indian finfluencers, who are known for mastering the art of losing money gradually and then all at once, have been sent income tax notices for advising their followers to dump shares of the Adani Group.
- In this week’s rationale for not legalising same-sex marriage in India, the Centre tells the Supreme Court that “allowing same-sex couples to marry will create unnecessary logistical burden for thousands at RSS shakhas”.
April 27
Ahead of his prospective second term, Joe Biden is confident that he will outlast American democracy
TT archives- Afraid of being lonely, bored and deprived of regular updates about Vladimir Putin’s hobbies, Joe Biden announces that he will be running (more like ambling) for President of the United States once more in 2024.
- Fox News fires its leading televangelist, Tucker Carlson, for not personally believing in the lies he spread in his professional role. Over in India, Arnab Goswami, now the world’s most prolific on-air polluter, pats himself on the back for not being as hypocritical as Carlson.
April 28
“We’re soulmates who believe in doing soulless films together,” says Ana de Armas about her rapport with Chris Evans
Wikimedia Commons- After the viewers did the ghosting in Ghosted, Ana de Armas and Chris Evans, who enjoy a rollicking chemistry in real life, have been roped in by Netflix to feature in a 90-minute long interview. The plot line of their interaction, which will receive more attention than the pair’s last two films combined, involves angles on the stars’ dogs, their Zodiac signs and why they pretend to not date each other.
- Prince Harry files a lawsuit against British tabloids for allegedly hacking his phone for decades to unearth clickbait information. Harry’s case rests on “punishing utterly unscrupulous behaviour by news organisations that took away no less than 68 sensational stories from my memoir”.
