Calling it a challenge to bring society back to empathy and self-awareness in an era where people are obsessed with others, author and columnist Shobhaa De said that there is still hope because humans are wired to receive love and give it back to the world.
On Day 3 of the Apeejay Kolkata Literary Festival at Alipore Museum, on Sunday, De spoke candidly about the sensual self, pleasure, embracing womanhood and the innocence of intimacy.
She was joined by author Sandip Roy, writer of Don’t Let Him Know, who led a lively, interactive session with the audience.
The discussion also marked the celebration of the 17th edition of De’s popular book, The Sensual Self.
Talking about the sensual dynamics she shares with her spouse, De said that her relationship with her husband, Dilip De, has evolved over the years and is channelled in their ‘acute awareness’ of each other’s presence.
“A good partnership, be it sensual or sexual, begins with respecting each other’s physical self. And if that’s not there, in whichever age it is… then that might be a problem. Because much later in life, even a gentle touch or caress can lift your day and take it to another level,” De said.
De said that her relationship with her husband has evolved over the years and is channelled in their ‘acute awareness’ of each other’s presence
De also emphasised that sensuality is not limited to physical intimacy but is a way of navigating back to one’s roots in everyday life.
She said it lies in the small acts and little joys that enrich the mind, adding that whenever one loses their way, they can always return to something that feels meaningful and nourishing.
The 78-year-old author expressed concern over a growing culture of self-absorption, saying that people are more drawn to explicit pleasures available at the disposal of social media and not the innocence of love and emotional intimacy.
“The most intimate and exciting relationship young people are having is with their phones these days. They barely make eye contact,” De said.
With the technological boom, De said the idea of building warmth and affection has grown increasingly remote for the younger generation. “The change is so sudden that it is difficult for young people, shaped by a rapidly evolving technological world, to stay grounded and still build lives in which they can truly thrive,” she added.
De was in conversation with author Sandip Roy
She argued that one must feel accountable to search for tenderness and must drop the idea of sexual encounters with zero emotional investment.
De said insecurity is something women carry regardless of how accomplished they are. She noted that women are conditioned from a young age to seek validation, having been taught for generations that their worth lies in fitting a narrow idea of beauty to secure a “good husband”.
Families, she added, often deepen these anxieties by constantly picking at a woman’s appearance — her skin tone, height, hair or features. While cosmetic fixes are now easily available, De argued that they do little to erase deeper emotional wounds. “You can change how you look,” she said, “but the insecurity never really goes away.”
