A couple of weeks ago, I spoke of collaborative divorce, a system that had lawyers collaborating instead of litigating to find a fair settlement between the two parties who were divorcing. Such divorce has several advantages. Where the couple is concerned, the costs are lower, and more importantly, the soul-searing acrimony that results from adversarial lawyers fighting a battle in court is avoided. But best of all is the fact that the children are not subjected to the festering malice, hate and spite that usually results from a divorce full of vengeful recriminations.
Children often get caught up in the conflict that exists between parents who do not get on, so much so that there is a general feeling that they would be better off if their fathers and mothers divorced rather than their being forced to constantly witness angry and abusive fights. But, as we all know, the impact of a parental marriage break-up can have a disastrous impact on the children.
What can save them from such damage is what follows a divorce. The more flexible and frequent the contact that children have with both parents, and the less conflict there is, the better they fare. Where there has been no violence in the family, children benefit hugely from continuing relationships with both parents. In fact, we are now told, that some children actually see that things are better for them after the divorce than before.
Mala, the daughter of a friend, and her husband, Jay, achieved just such an agreeable situation for their only child when they divorced. After they parted company, Jay moved out of the house, but found himself a flat just down the road. While Mala had a regular nine-to-five job, Jay worked freelance. This meant he could pick his son up from school, take him home and and feed him while he waited for his mother to collect him on her way back. Both Mala and Jay admit that they could never live together again, but today they are good friends, spending holidays together and turning to each other for any help needed. Their son is a happy, well-adjusted youngster, who has thrived in the new bickering-free set-up.
I have no doubt that all parents want to do what is right by their children. Whether through the collaborative route or otherwise, an amicable divorce makes it possible for a couple to remain on good terms, and this in turn makes it possible for the congenial upbringing of the children. All this makes the divorce-and-live-happily-ever-after state sound easy to achieve. I am sure it isn’t, especially when, as in a regular divorce, the legal process forces a couple to throw, through their lawyers, as much dirt at each other as possible. But if it is at all possible, it is worth trying for if only to avoid nasty custodial situations that leave a child unhappy, unstable and alienated from both parents.
