I SPY: Whatever you say to your boss’s spouse will get back to him

Q.Your boss’s spouse is always very friendly at company gatherings, and you’re not sure how to respond. What should you do?

A. First, assume that whatever you say to the boss’s spouse will get back to the boss. “In healthy relationships, spouses talk to each other,” said Wendy Molteni, director of operations at the Proactive Network Management Corporation, a high-tech consulting company in Salt Lake City. “There are bosses who rely on their husbands or wives to give them feedback about everyone they meet.” This prospect may make conversation uncomfortable, said Debra Mandel, a psychologist in Encino, California, and the author of Your Boss Is Not Your Mother: Eight Steps to Eliminating Office Drama and Creating Positive Relationships at Work (Agate, 2006). “Whenever we do anything socially with people from work, it can get messy and expectations start to change,” Dr Mandel said. “When you're dealing with the boss or the boss's spouse,” she added, “the fact that the situation could have a bearing on overall job security makes some people think twice.”

Q. What kinds of topics are acceptable to discuss with the boss’s spouse?

A. Keep conversation light. If you know that your boss just got back from a family vacation, ask about it. If you’ve heard that the boss’s spouse likes baseball, share your excitement about opening day.

Except for details about work, anything you’d be willing to discuss with your boss is a fair topic of discussion with his or her spouse. Still, you may want to be particularly careful about subjects like religion and politics. These are powder-keg issues, and a discussion touching on them may become emotionally charged.

Mimi Donaldson, president of Mimi Speaks, a consulting company in California, said the biggest risk in interacting with the boss’s spouse was stating unequivocally strong feelings or beliefs on a subject that could turn out to be offensive.

“The absolute worst thing you can do is say something like, ‘How can anybody own a pit bull?’ and find out that your boss and his wife own four,” said Donaldson, co-author of Bless Your Stress: It Means You’re Still Alive (Yes Press, 2006). If you do strike a nerve, she added, backpedal by backing up your opinion with an explanation of why you feel the way you do.

Q. At what point does ordinary conversation become inappropriate?

A. Your chat may turn sour if it incorporates workplace gossip, so steer clear of backbiting about any of your colleagues. Never tell off-colour jokes and scrupulously avoid sexual undertones. You don’t want to give the impression that you are a bigot or that you’re flirting.

It’s also wise to shy away from sharing secrets. Kerensa Vest, whose husband, Herb, is the chief executive of True.com, an online dating service in Dallas, said that at a company party, one of his employees, who had drunk too much, admitted to having an extramarital affair with a co-worker.

“It’s great when employees treat me just like everybody else, but sometimes I think that trust goes too far,” she said. “I don’t care if I’m the CEO's wife or whoever ? sharing that kind of information in a work environment just isn't professional.”

Q. Should you ever discuss your boss’s personal life with his spouse?

A. In most cases, employees should steer clear of becoming involved in personal issues unless the boss invites them directly to do so. On rare occasions, however, helping the boss’s spouse with work-related extracurricular activities may improve your relationship with your employer. Richard Kendall, vice president of the Frause Group, a marketing and communications firm in Seattle, experienced this firsthand last year when his boss’s wife called to get Kendall’s help in planning a surprise party for her husband. Because the boss commuted to work on a ferry, his wife asked Kendall to make sure that the boss left the office on time, so that he would catch the right boat. Kendall relished the responsibility, and he saw to it that his boss was on schedule. Kendall said after the party, the boss thanked him for being an integral part of the plan. “I was happy to be a part of it.”

Q. Is there any danger in getting to know the boss’s spouse?

A. Of course there is. Some bosses, particularly those who are inclined to jealousy, may take issue if you appear to be excessively chatty with their spouse. Dr Mandel, the psychologist, said that this jealousy might result in the boss coming down unnecessarily hard on you at review time. Another potential problem with befriending the boss’s spouse is that the relationship may become grist for office gossip. Jill Spiegel, owner of Goal Getters, a motivational consulting company in Minneapolis, warned that employees should be wary of making it seem that they’re being attentive to the spouse to curry favour with the boss. One way to combat this, Spiegel said, is to spend precisely the same amount of time talking to the boss’s spouse as you do talking to the receptionist and to other co-workers. “Make it clear that you’re giving equal respect to everyone,” she said. “If you don’t, people will see right through you.”