Armour. In the form of sunscreen for some of us on this side of the globe; suntan lotion for those on the other. It’s a must under the hot Samui sun. Reapplication recommended.

Bikini. Regardless of age, size, shape or cellulite, everyone — repeat, everyone — bums on the Chaweng beach in a bikini. Buy a psychedelic printed string bikini set (for 250 THB or Thai Baht which amounts to Rs 500) on the beach and slip into one. Trust me, no one is watching!

Coconut. Nature does make some delicious drinks. Sipping on coconut water on the beach is the closest thing to growing a halo. The goodness factor is (almost) unbeatable.

Daiquiri. Man also does make some dream drinks aka Daiquiri. Once you have the halo, balance it with some devil horns. The happiness factor of a Mango Daiquiri is unmatchable. Pick up a to-go glass so you can drink on the move.

Elephant. It’s the official symbol of Thailand and it’s everywhere. On the souvenir magnets, sarongs and candles… And they are so cute!

Frangipani. This pretty white flower could be the unofficial symbol. It’s also everywhere. Lovely on the tree and lovelier tucked behind your ear!

Galangal. Colloquially and very inaccurately described as Thai ginger, this signature Thai ingredient is the key to a great Thai dish.

Hat. It’s a must accessory, more essential than your trendy gradient Aviators. Straw sun hats, classic fedoras or a makeshift bandana, keep that head cool!

Ice cream. And if you like things cooler, there’s ice cream to your rescue. Slurping an iced lolly on the beach. Few things can bring as much joy!

Jet ski. Feel the wind in your hair and jet past the waves. But wear a life jacket.

Koh Samui. The ultimate chill location for the ultimate chill vacation. An hour’s flight from Bangkok, Samui is paradise.

Laundry service. Just drop off your beach clothes and pick them up in an hour. Spick-and-span!

Maxi dress. If you want to shake up that shorts routine, live in easy breezy maxi dresses. Make them cotton. Make them printed. Or wear them pristine white.

Night stroll under the moon. On the beach. Barefoot. Sigh.

Oil massage. They start at 200 THB and there’s a massage sign-board every 10 steps, on and off the beach. The boutique massage places are nice but the best experiences come at the beach canopies. There’s no comparison between the spa soundtrack and the sound of waves crashing.

Party. Samui is where you party all night. More specifically, Ark Bar at Chaweng. BBQ on the beach, inviting pool, thumping music and laser lights, it all comes alive here.

Quietude. If you are not in Ark Bar, chances are that you are soaking up the quietude with your book or diary or nothing.

Rattan. Rattan bags immediately transport us to the tropics. They look good with everything, don’t get spoilt in the sand and are eco-friendly. Win. Win. Win.

Snorkelling. For the real water babies who don’t want to just soak in the sun and dig their toes into the sand. They go down under, to be one with the water.

Tourist. We just know how to live it up, don’t we!

Umbrella. Sunbed and open umbrellas, a match made in beach heaven.

Vegetate. The art of doing nothing. Bliss!

Wi-fi. The FREE kind! Don’t judge a restaurant on the number of people dining. There’s probably free Wifi in there!

Xxtreme happiness. Two words. That’s all.

Yacht. The sea is dotted with luxury yachts. Sail or see.

Zen. Can be brought about by Buddhism. Can also be brought about by a week in Samui.

Counting down to samui...

Day 0

Time: 30 days.

Target: 4 kilos.

Aim: To feel (look) fab for the ultimate girlie getaway with the BFF.

Day 1

Things to do: Collect all stolen chocolates to give away. #heartbreaking.

Things not to do: Call Hena Nafis or fave cousin. Both nutritionists. Both unwilling to give +100th diet. #fail

At home: Try to turn on treadmill but fail.

At work: Google ‘Koh Samui hotels’. Google ‘miracle diets’. Repeat. Take a break. Have a chocolate biscuit. Because chocolate biscuit is not chocolate, it’s biscuit.

Decide to go shopping for journal to start food diary. To track those invisible calories, masquerading as chocolate biscuits.

Day 2

Tickets booked. Eat a chocolate in joy. Vow to be on track rest of the day. And month.

Skip carbs at dinner. Polish halo.

Day 4

Try luck with treadmill again. This time the brother is called for SOS. He turns on the main switch. Ignored, the Didi-you-are-a-dodo look.

Twenty minutes drag by. The treadmill minute is the slowest minute in the world. So, it’s the opposite of New York Minute.

Day 7

To celebrate Day 5 of no-carbs-after-lunch, eat Maggi. With toast. Dessert: Cake.

Decide to go shopping for journal to start food diary. To track visible calories such as Maggi, toast and cake.

Day 8

O.M.G. I think might have lost a kilo.

Checked again. Turns out I misread the scale.

Day 9

Trip gets postponed due to untoward incident. Plan GNO to drown the sorrow. Sorrow drowned in three Lychee Martinis.

Day 12

O.M.G. I think I might have put on a kilo.

Checked again. Had not misread the scale.

Day 24

Trip gets back on track. New tickets are booked. Eat ice cream (on cone) in joy.

Decide to go shopping for journal to start food diary. To track those invisible calories, masquerading as wafer cones. And visible ones like ice cream.

Day 30

Today was the day we would have had Lychee Martinis on the beach. Open a bottle of white to distract from the martinis.

Day 36

Wake up with renewed interest in beach and beach-ready body.

Pray for miracle.

Day 41

Time: 19 days.

Target (readjusted): 2 kilos.

Aim: No sweets, no colas, no carbs at dinner, no white bread, no white pasta and no white rice. And work out five days a week.

Day 48

Wake up feeling skinny. Give the beach wardrobe a trial run. Don’t feel so skinny after dress rehearsal.

Day 55

Time: 5 days.

Target: ANY kilos.

Aim: To find super selfie angles to look fab for ultimate girlie getaway with the BFF photo album. Otherwise there’s always shadow photography!

Text & pictures: Shradha Agarwal