Surviving one break-up too many, Bridget Jones, played by Renee Zellwegger in the film, is the ultimate single girl

Single and ready to mingle

No, I am not single by choice and it is definitely not for the lack of trying. It’s more like Cupid played a bad joke on me (yes, I am the one who uses the cupidhatesme hashtag). I am picky, yes. Any Tom, Dick or Harry wouldn’t do for me. I have some standards that are not too high, or so I thought. I mean, is it too much to ask for a guy who is presentable (doesn’t have to look like Hrithik Roshan), smart, has similar interests, is independent, earns well and is not an overall sleazeball? It seems it is. I have been on dating sites like OkCupid and matrimonial sites long enough to tell you how impossible it is. If you say you smoke and you drink on the matrimonial sites, you don’t really get too many people showing interest. And the horror stories I could tell you about blind dates I’ve been on!

It doesn’t help when you are on the wrong side of 30 and most of your friends are married, some have a child and some even have two. Forget the looks you get from your family; you can at least quell them with a look or slam a door on their face, imagine getting the pity-look from friends your age! Insufferable. Every time you go to a party they are there with their SO (significant other) or talking about them. WhatsApp conversations slip into what their baby is eating and exchanging ayah agency numbers. Then suddenly they remember you are there and there is that pause. Sometimes I am desperate to get hitched just so I could rub their faces in my non-single status!

Till I can do that, I shall stick to eating tubs of ice cream while watching soppy rom-coms, reading Nora Roberts and sighing ecstatically about the perfect love, daydream about the perfect man and hit the dating websites in search of Him. And I hope I find my Mark Darcy before I am reduced to being “single and desperate to mingle”. What’s the difference? Well, I have not yet started making goo-goo eyes at every unattached man I see at parties or asking my friends to set me up for a date. That is scarier than the thought of “dying alone and being eaten by my pet Alsatians” — if you are in your 30s, single and ready to mingle and don’t spot the reference to Bridget Jones’s Diary, then shame on you!

Single and unwilling to mingle

I am single. And worried. About my future. Because I do NOT like cats. But if you don’t like cats, how do you become a crazy cat lady? I want that dramatic old age where I rinse my dentures in rum, walk with six cats (or more) following me and give the evil eye to anybody who comes within six metres of me.

Why is that an unreasonable wish? I mean who, in this day and age, goes on to be that storybook cake-baking grandparent? Most don’t even live in the same time zone as their kids and grandkids.

It takes 20 minutes into a dinner for me to get bored of dates. Mommy-loving men, macho men, intellectual bearded guy, perpetually broke, angsty politically conscious creature, slimmer-than-me, shorter-than-me, zero interests outside work, textbook perfect man with no chemistry — my dating history could fill a book. Actually that’s the retirement plan. But I’m out of the game.

I love my TV shows at certain times, I love my ability to switch from coffee to tea and back again on a whim, I like both the right and left side of the bed, somebody talking to me during a movie makes me want to kill them, I do not particularly want to hear about other people’s days — they are seldom interesting. I hate it when other people use my bathroom, if they use my kitchen I die a little bit inside and the prospect of having to be nice to somebody first thing in the morning fills me with dread. To paraphrase somebody whose name I should know but I don’t: I like the idea of people in close proximity, but only in abstract.

I make a living, I have friends enough to fill a village, God knows they fill my house almost every free waking hour, I can do basic plumbing, carpentry, replace the fuse, cook and other survival thingies. When I don’t have people or failing household machinery taking up my time, I actually have interests that I nurture. It is incredibly liberating to have a day with nothing to do, nobody to please and to just be. That’s bliss.

Divorced and single

After I walked out of my marriage of three years, friends and family would call routinely and ask me in hushed tones, “How are you doing? We are there if you need to talk.” But I couldn’t talk to anybody, you know, like really talk. Because inside me was this volcano of happiness that was simmering and bubbling, threatening to spill out like happy lava through these huge smiles that had returned to my face. I felt guilty about the amount of joy I was feeling. I mean, a marriage had just crumbled, shouldn’t I be in mourning? But I was as happy as a desperate singleton who lands a ‘catch’.

Don’t get me wrong, getting a divorce is a horrible exercise. But once the hard decisions were taken and the legal and practical issues sorted, what I was left with was my old self, the happy, confident and most importantly free self, not answerable to effing anybody. I was on a high, the world was my oyster, I could be anybody, I could do anything.

On the flip side, now I am addicted to my singlehood. I can’t understand why anyone wants to get married. Let alone marriage, I don’t even want a relationship. I call myself self-contained, my friends call it commitment-phobic.

And then there’s the mother, who wants to brush aside all lessons learnt from the past, find me a “good guy” and settle me down. I cannot make her understand that I am more settled than I have ever been. I have stopped trying. Now I employ my best friend’s strategy. When anyone asks him when he’s getting married, he promptly replies, “2016”. And that is still two years away!

Married and single

You think married and single is an oxymoron? Think again. “Give space in a relationship” is counted as one of the mantras that guarantees a lasting relationship. The space in my relationship, er, marriage, is so wide that you could park a truck in it. So much so that we are almost like two singletons under the same roof.

How can we say we are single despite being married? Here is a day in our lives — a holiday, since a working day would be cheating because we spend most of the day at work. I like a good strong English Breakfast tea to start my day, he prefers Darjeeling. So, we make our own teas. I drink it while reading the day’s newspaper with music playing, he drinks his while making calls. We do have breakfast together.

Cut to the the afternoon: We walk into a multiplex, buy tickets for separate films (our tastes in movies have never matched. In the initial days of our marriage, I gritted my teeth and sat through the Transporter films and he’s been sweet enough to sit next to me and doze through Sex And The City. Now we just go for films that each likes) and walk into our respective halls. No, we don’t WhatsApp each other through the film or make it a point to meet up in the interval.

We have lunch together outside, but after that we are free to do whatever each of us pleases. So, it’s shopping and a spa session for me and mostly snoozing for him.

At night: It is very rare for us to agree on watching the same thing on TV, so if he gets to it first he watches his B-grade Hindi films and I am content with catching films or serials on my laptop.

But it is not just in day-to-day things that our single behaviour is manifested. I have gone on holidays alone, minus husband. Two years ago, I took a couple of days off and went and chilled on a beach without him; a few months later, he headed to the hills, without me. And guess what? It suits us both just fine!

I love/hate being single because... Tell t2@abp.in

The A to Z of being single

Alone: Yes, but not lonely. But make sure to make some human contact before it turns into how-I-wish-I-had-someone sobs, watching Sleepless In Seattle for the umpteenth time.

Break-up: Often the reason why you are single in the first place, the best thing about it is that you might just rediscover yourself. The bubbly, funny, moody, mad, odd, unapologetic you.

Cupidhatesme: That hashtag happens when you’ve met too many cute guys, even exchanged numbers but only ended up having a few coffees. And sometimes the guys even went for your friend! Kill Cupid.

Duh date: Boring, full of themselves, freeloader, weepy about their ex, touchy-feely, stalkerish — spending even an hour in their company is a task from hell.

Ex: You hate them, curse them, miss them, stalk them, dream about them. You can’t get them out of your system. Bottomline: Got a lot of ex-orcism to do.

Friend-zoned: There is nothing worse than being counted as “just a friend” by the guy you have a crush on.

Glutton: All those times you’ve eyed the bigger slice of cake and really wanted to pig out, but held back anticipating the look of shock and awe on his face — now is the time.

Hammered: It is the state you find yourself in on certain night-outs with friends. And it’s the only thing that keeps a smile plastered on your face when all the people in your group are either married or engaged.

Independent: Oh well, this one is both the cause and effect of your singlehood. Taking joint decisions, making savings plans together, negotiating leisure time... all of it is too much work for you.

JLT: That’s your favourite phrase to rattle off, along with shrugging the shoulders. Why? Because... just like that.

Knight in shining armour: It’s not as if you wouldn’t be thrilled if a nice, fun, friendly bloke crossed your path and the sparks flew. Truth be told, every single girl looks out for one from the corner of her eye.

Love: It’s the word that makes your world go round. It’s also what makes you go round, in circles. Funny world, er, word.

Married friends: What is it with these folks? As if they have hit upon some big secret that singletons don’t have access to!

No strings attached: Channelling a bit of Carrie Bradshaw (Sex And The City) sure keeps single life perked up. Keep it simple and sexy, attagirl.

OkCupid: Have you been here already? This dating website is for lonely hearts as well as those looking for casual sex.

Personal space: You wanted a hammer to bludgeon the Smug Married Club with? Here it is. The personal space that is your paradise is a forever-shrinking, elusive chimera which your married bestie chases in vain, with the hubby, kids and extended family in tow. Ooo la la!

Quiet time: And you mean really quiet. As in, no yapping with the Significant Other or tolerating blaring TVs and loud phone conversations. It is the time for self-love.

Relationship status: This one is a severe pain in the wrong place. From passports to social networking sites, family folks to random strangers, all they want to know is if you are hooked and booked. How about “committed to self”?

Solo travel: Hit the road less travelled, change your itinerary on the go, make new friends.... Solo travel is one of the perks of singlehood. (More on that in t2 soon!)

Third wheel: When all your besties are partnered, being the third one out at a get-together can be embarrassing. Splitting a dish is a problem, hitting the dance floor is a pain.

U and me... In this beautiful world. Yes, that’s the secret idea. Sigh.

Valentine’s Day: Those heart-shaped pink balloons and stuffed toys give you a heartache... oops... headache. V for vibrator is a lot better.

Weddings: Of other people, of course. “So, when are you settling down?” is the most irritable question hurled at you, usually followed by pathetic suggestions/offers to set you up.

XoXOXO: Hugs and kisses. Stuff you end an email or SMS with and then instantly regret it.

Young forever: You’ve successfully slowed down the ageing process, not with lotions and potions, but by removing stressors causing high BP. Like fretting over what to cook for lunch/dinner for the whole family. Age is just a number for you! #wink

Zzzzzzzz: You are not the bleary-eyed zombie who packs her kids off to school or fixes breakfast for the hubby before the sun has woken up. You can hog the whole bed, sleep spread-eagled. And when you feel sleepy, you can just drop, right there. PS: On weekends, life starts when you wake up.

Secret single behaviour: the t2 girl gang makes its confessions. what’s your SSB? tell t2@abp.in

Teleshopping ads? Oh yeah!

When I’m really bored at night and there’s nothing else to watch on TV, I tune into Asian Sky Shop ads. If they are dubbed in Hindi, even better. It is hilarious to see foreigners talking in Hindi. I even know the dialogues of some by heart.

Bathing? No. Burping? Yes.

Spending a day alone, not being under any pressure of taking a bath. See me on one such day and you’d know what exactly a homeless person looks and smells like. Also, it totally irks me when someone in the vicinity burps loudly. But — oh my god— I just love burping loudly when I am alone. Hey, a girl’s gotta relax and do her thing.

DON’T judge my snacking, don’t interrupt my reading

I am a night owl, so I have frequent and elaborate late-night meals. And I like eating things right out of the box/jar/carton.

I like to read. But I don’t just read lying on the bed or lounging on the sofa kind. I read while walking from room to room, in the kitchen while warming food, while eating, while taking a loo break. It irritates me to have someone I know around when I am reading. And it is mostly in anticipation that they may interrupt me.

I dress like a pre-World War man

My winter at-home attire is men’s flannel pyjamas and thick socks. On some Sundays when I catch myself in a mirror, I start. When there are people around, I do not dress like an 80-year-old pre-World War man. I have pretty house dresses, and sundry other camouflage gear that makes me appear normal.

Also, my complicated relationship with fast food. One day of rom-com marathon has seen me finish two family-sized bags of chips, one whole chocolate cake, one bottle of soda and a bucket of fried chicken. When people are around I eat... an apple, maybe.

I am 30, going on 23!

I look up all the guys on Facebook who crushed on me in college or school to check if they’re still single too. On one instance, I lied about my age. A hot 24-year-old, who made me feel like I was 21, asked me out. “I shouldn’t be asking your age but f*** it, how old are you?” he said, before asking if I was free that evening for coffee and if I was single. I said I was 23 (I was 30 then!) and single, but I had some plans. The good thing is I felt like 21 for a whole week after.

Binge watching: Korean drama to Fawad Khan

I binge-watch Korean dramas all night long. A standard Korean drama is about 16 episodes long, and usually when I start my marathon, I just can’t turn the lappy off. Recently, I’ve been binge-watching Fawad Khan soaps, thanks to a colleague who got me hooked on to Zindagi Gulzar Hai. With this combination, I finished all my Wi-fi usage in a week!

The S-word

I love tracking songs with the word ‘Sex’ in their titles. It’s getting tougher with each passing day since singers are going for the F-word. The practice was born out of necessity and goes back to my school days. I was 11 and desperate to know stuff about the birds and the bees. I turned to songs with “sex” in their titles. At least you could play them loud in your own home. The tracking is now more of a hobby. My ears still perk up when I hear the S-word, but then they are saying something inane like “Sweetie”.

Hoarding posters and cassettes

Zero presence of a When Harry Met Sally or Back To The Future poster, but it’s a full house when it comes to Samantha Fox in her Touch Me (I Want Your Body) pose or Madonna in her lethal conical bra (and that too in life-size options). Though much of the 2,000-odd posters have been offloaded by Mrs Marital Bliss, the 100 or so that remain are worth a visit every five-six months on dusting-the-library pretext. Keeping them company is a stash of cassettes (though the player has long departed) from the Justin Biebers and One Directions of the 1990s. There’s Take That, Gloria Estefan, Kaoma, Right Said Fred, Mariah Carey, TLC, Boyz II Men, even Celine Dion… oh lord, have mercy!

Single and the selfie

I can’t resist clicking a selfie whenever I see a big mirror. I have clicked myself at every five-star hotel’s loo and trial room of every store that I have visited in the last six months. I don’t post these pictures on any social networking site... I just do it for myself. I have a “Selfie” folder on my laptop and keep adding to it. I like to look at those selfies whenever I get bored.

Rom-com addict

When I am alone I watch rom-coms, even the ones that no adult with an IQ of over 20 would watch. As long as there’s a happy ending and it’s funny somewhere in the middle, I’ll watch it. And shed tears when all is well.