Song:No Entry (No Entry)

Picturised on:Bipasha Basu

What’s wrong:Sorry Bips, nothing personal, but you looked really vulgar in this one. The peppy and hugely popular No Entry title track was an eyesore thanks to Bips’s in-your-face pelvic thrusts on a bartop. Yes, she is meant to be a hooker in the song but surely she has better moves to get us hooked than to try and drive home the ‘no entry’ point like a biology class gone wrong. We ended up staring at Anil Kapoor’s facial gymnastics and Salman Khan’s tip-to-toe gyrations, instead.

If only it was:Sridevi. She would have brought a charming cheekiness to this naughty number. She would have played to the gallery and yet not sold herself cheap.

Song: Dil dance maare (Tashan)

Picturised on:Akshay Kumar, Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan

What’s wrong:When the soundtrack made its way to iPods, it was guaranteed that this Bhojpuri-Hindi-English track would be the next Kajra re. But director Vijay Krishna Acharya and his team had other ideas. Painting the faces of the three main players white and making them wear horrendous golden wigs to justify a preposterous plot point, the makers took all the masti out of the song. And the choreography was so aggressive that it looked more like a routine military drill than a scorching item number.

If only it was:The same trio, but looking and acting normal. Take that bizarre get-up out and make them have a blast to the same song at the same location. Akshay, Saif and Bebo would surely rock.

Song: Dhoom macha le (Dhoom)

Picturised on:Esha Deol

What’s wrong: Will someone please tell Hema Malini’s elder daughter that she’s NOT HOT. Every time she’s tried to smoulder she’s been a damp squib. And when you have a song like Dhoom macha le and you can’t recall how the song was picturised you known how nondescript Esha was. Her on-stage aerobics class was a sham and the impact was more doom than dhoom.

If only it was: Aishwarya Rai. Given what she did with Crazy kiya re in the sequel, Ash deserved the better song. She would have added to her collection of sizzlers from Ishq kameena to Kajra re to…

Song: Pehli nazar mein (Race)

Picturised on:Akshaye Khanna and Bipasha Basu

What’s wrong: Atif Aslam’s music video looks so much better than the song in the film. An all-smiles Akshaye (in a stupid wig) driving down on an empty South African road and looking occasionally at an all-smiles Bipasha sitting beside him almost manage to kill this killer song. Akshaye and Bipasha — who play a convoluted compromise couple in the film — hardly look in love in this song meant to mirror the madness of love at first sight.

If only it was:Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol. Imagine SRK with his arms stretched out wide serenading Kajol in the icy terrain of Ladakh and you know what this song could have been. Magic.

Song: Yeh mera dil (Don)

Picturised on:Kareena Kapoor

What’s wrong:A for Effort, Z for Effect. Bebo tried as hard as she could, but could not come anywhere close to Helen’s sizzling act. Farah Khan’s moves made Kareena look like a desperate teenager at her first prom night rather than the deadly seductress in the don’s bedroom. While we don’t want Bebo to be size zero, it would have helped if she had a little less to jiggle with every wriggle.

If only it was:Madhuri Dixit. When Mads dances, her hips don’t lie, her eyes seduce and her smile enchants. Add to that her other dhak dhak assets and the mind boggles at what she could have done to SRK (and us all) with her Yeh mera dil act.

Song:Dard-e-Disco (Om Shanti Om)

Picturised on:Shah Rukh Khan

What’s wrong: After a six-month promotion, the six-pack item number left us cold. We like you Shah Rukh in almost whatever you do, but that topless look, dripping with water, swaying in the wind and burning in a fire was homoerotic at best and hilarious at worst. Dard yes, disco no! No wonder the only moment where Saawariya scored over OSO that Diwali weekend was Ranbir’s towel song over SRK’s six-pack dance.

If only it was:Hrithik Roshan. If you ask why, just watch Dhoom:2… again.

Song: Beedi jalai le (Omkara)

Picturised on:Bipasha Basu

What’s wrong: One would imagine given a no-holds-barred raunchy track like Beedi jalai le, Bips would set the stage on fire. But she is so thanda from the moment she flings off her chunari. She has none of the raw, rustic bawdiness needed to light the fire. The more we see the song the more we are compelled to watch the powerful and sinister Saif Ali Khan rather than the heaving bosom or swivelling hips of Bips. What a letdown, yaar.

If only it was:Shilpa Shetty. After looting UP and Bihar, Shilpa would have burned brighter than ever before with Beedi and scripted a memorable waistside story.