I am a 17-year-old girl. I have been in love with a boy for the past one year. My parents are conservative and don’t want me to have an affair at this age. Since I can’t break up, I feel that I am cheating my parents. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Look, cut out this emotional see-saw crap with me. Either get on with this relationship or get out but leave this pristine column out. This column is now meant for serious problems. We do not have time for trivia such as yours. My belief is, at 17, you should be having affairs, going around, and having a good time. You can always fall in love when you are at Mamata’s age. Till then be nice and have fun.

I am a 15-year-old boy. I have been intimate with my maid. Recently my parents found out about it. Now my maid is pregnant and is blackmailing me. Please help.

Raj, Calcutta

Listen you little Rasputin, what are you complaining about? Your life seems better than most Cabinet ministers. I would urge you to do what your head tells you to do since you lost your heart a long time ago and enjoy all of this while it lasts. The maid getting pregnant is the only tricky bit and for that you will need political intervention because now that there are so few causes left, my guess is they will get after you for insensitivity if nothing else. But look, there are many who would want to be in your bed so while the mattress is still stable, go for it…You obviously have no values and are born out of zero pedigree so there is pretty little that the world can do to you except offer their daughters to you!

I am a 20-year-old man. I have been job hunting for the past few years. Since I have not found a job, I am suffering from low self-esteem. Please help.

Name and address withheld

You are only amongst 30 million other losers so rather than waste time and money writing to me, why don’t you walk the streets looking for a job? And don’t give me this emotional crap about low self-esteem. This is just another excuse for you to feel even more of a loser. Simple.

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta 700025
Ph: 24191174
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
For free help on alcoholism
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Narcotics anonymous
(Calcutta area helpline)

For counselling and support regarding substance abuse
Ph: 9836223071
Website: www.nakolkata.org
Email: info@nakolkata.org

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free and confidential tele helpline for the depressed, distressed or suicidal.
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally,
P.O.: Prafulla Kanan
Calcutta — 700 101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856

Free and confidential tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on issues like sex education, personal relationships, HIV & AIDS
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash (The lifestyle management school)

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919
Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays