I am a 28-year-old woman. My problem is that my boyfriend insists that I give him a enough space. I am fine with his demand and don’t mind even if he chooses not to call me over a long period of time. But when it comes to me, he simply refuses to give me my space. He often becomes angry when I go out late at night with my friends. He gets really hyper if I am talk to anyone late at night even if it is my best friend that I am talking to. I am becoming very stressed. How do I deal with this problem?

Name and address withheld

Just walk out on this rogue. These are selfish men and they will remain this way especially when we have women who are perfect doormats just as you are. I suggest you find another man who gives and takes space if you know what I mean or better still marry a goddamn carpet if you have to but just stop bothering me. I have more substantive and critical issues to handle.

I am a 25-year-old woman. My problem is that ever since I have joined work, I seem to be hogging constantly. I feel like eating all the time in office along with my colleagues. This is turning out to be quite addictive and I seem to be getting into the habit of having junk food all the time. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Keep stuffing your face till you die. You will look very elegant (and heavy) on the funeral pyre and we can all say that you were in reality an Epicurean. Obviously you work in Calcutta where there is more food than thought so I suggest you carry on this way and one day we shall see an advertisement with your face in it. On the obituary page. And I promise I will shed one crocodile tear!

I am a 36-year-old man. My problem is that my wife has left me because of my smoking habits which I could not give up. Now I am really trying to quit smoking so that I can win her back. I am literally at my wit’s end and want her back in my life. How do I get rid of this addiction?

Name and address withheld

Come to Delhi and spend an hour with Anbumani Ramadoss, our unintelligent health minister and he will bore you so quickly with all his rambling that you will give up smoking. If all else fails, walk over to ITC at 36 Chowringhee, Calcutta and ask Yogi Deveshwar for some tips. Remember he is making ITC itself give up cigarettes and diversify to Bingo and clothes so he might be of help too!

I am a 35-year-old married man. I am into a physical relationship with my maid. Recently my wife found out about it and is quite upset. We are not on talking terms any more. I am feeling very guilty about the entire episode and want to regain my wife’s trust. I want to start the relationship afresh. How do I go about doing that?

Karan, via e-mail

How wonderful, this column only gets better and better. If I were you, I would convince my wife that I was doing this only to save her the bother of losing both a husband and a maid and that this act would ensure the maid never went anywhere. Use this as a measure of fine HR practices from your end and how you are a completely objective human being and make no class distinction when planning to jump into bed or in being adulterous. I think if you are smart, and since Shivraj Patil is stupid, you might even get a Padma Bhushan.

I am a 25-year-old woman. I have a crush on my professor. Though he is pretty old, I still find him very attractive. I am finding it difficult to concentrate on my studies. What should I do?

Rohan, via e-mail

Don’t worry. Just try and finish the course and you will one day find people as young and charming as I am and then dump the professor. In college you are limited in terms of choice, step out into the world and you’ll see a vulture beneath every street lamp darling!

I am a 15-year-old boy. Recently my sister caught me while watching porn. Since then, she blackmails me and threatens to tell my mother about it. In the process, I end up doing small favours for her every now and then. How do I deal with this menace?

Name and address withheld

My suggestion is go and tell your mother that it is your sister who’s been watching porn and that she tempted you into watching it and is now trying to blackmail you and so on. Look you are no Gandhi, Mahatma or Sonia, so you don’t need to be honest. Just be the perfect spin-doctor and damage your sister’s chances. And please do keep us posted.

I am a 50-year-old man. Recently I have developed a phobia about death. I keep having this feeling that I am going to die soon. How should I overcome this fear?

Tarun, via e-mail

Just wait to die and till then keep thinking. In fact if you really enhance this feeling, then chances are you might be dead and will not read this reply or might die just after. It is a wonderful feeling thinking of death: whenever I drive in Delhi I think of it too so join the club, son.

I am a 40-year-old married man. Twenty years back, I was in a relationship with a girl for about three years. However, my father fixed my marriage with another girl when I was 23. Since then I had lost touch with the girl whom I used to love dearly. However, recently I bought a flat and shifted there with my family. Surprisingly, I saw my old love lives in the flat just above mine. Ever since, I come across her pretty often. All this is leaving me very disturbed. How do I deal with this situation?

Name and address withheld

Nothing: either change the building or ignore the past. If you want to have some fun on the side then go up to her flat and have that fun. We are not moralists in this column. We just don’t want people either whining or confused. So if you promise to seduce that ex-flame of yours and never write to me again, I am happy, son!

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park
Calcutta 700025. Ph: 24191174
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism. Contact: Volunteers on line. Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.Mondays through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, P..- Prafulla Kanan,Calcutta — 700 101. Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 64532836

Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS.

Contact: Counsellors on line.

Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash (The lifestyle management school )

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029. Ph: 9830149919

Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy

Contact: Counsellors on line

Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432

Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal; Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays