I am a 26-year-old man. I have been in a relationship with a woman for the past eight years. She is four years older than me. I don’t have the guts to break social barriers and marry her but I can’t stay without her either. Moreover, despite all this, I get attracted to younger girls very easily. What do I do?

Name and address withheld

Do whatever the hell you want. I am not your personal doctor or advisor and I do not have the time to read long questions. One possible reason for your state is you are so damn confused that you cannot even string a simple question. Seduce whoever you want and just make sure we don’t know. There is no joy in taking part in the life of a loser, if you know what I mean?

I am a 25-year-old man. I love a girl who belongs to a different religion. Since I come from a conservative Hindu family, everybody is dead against this match. We love each other a lot but their attitude is hurting us. Is inter-religion marriage a crime in this society?

Jatin, via e-mail

Listen, I am not Arundhati Roy or some silly activist like her. Address this question to these goddamn liberals. I have no views on this whole social thing. I am too busy for all this drivel.

My husband has been having an affair with a woman for the past 10 years. I had no option but to tolerate this act as I was waiting for my son to grow up. Besides, I did not have the means to raise my son. But now that my son has grown up, I want to take legal action and go for a divorce. But my in-laws have a lot of issues over this. What action should I take ?

Name and address withheld

Obviously divorce him and sue him for everything and more that he has and teach him a befitting lesson. Complain about him to the cops; get him beaten up by the local goons; do everything you can to teach the rogue a lesson. But if you really want him to be miserable start having an affair yourself. Send me your details and I may be able to help.

I am an 18-year-old boy studying in the 12th standard. I’ve been going around with a girl for the past two years. My girlfriend will be relocating after her exams. Now I am thinking whether it’s a good idea to continue with the relationship. Please advise.

Name and address withheld

What kind of school do you go to? What language is ‘going around’? Are you a goddamn human being or a Ferris wheel? My advice would be to dump the girl because sooner than later she is going to cheat on you so why should you waste your time? Just move on and find yourself another hen son.

I am a 23-year-old man. I have a crush on my gym instructor. She has even tried to seduce me while exercising. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Just go for it son. Look at my plight. I am stuck with a treadmill and a machine chest-press: in your case you can choose between a machine chest-press and the real thing so why are you complaining unless of course your instructor looks like Mamata Banerjee! That is when you should really worry but if not, then enjoy the push-ups, son.

I am a 15-year-old boy in love with a classmate. But I do not know if the feeling is mutual. I am afraid of approaching her as she is slightly taller than I am which gives me an inferiority complex. What can I do to impress her? Please help.

Name and address withheld

Don’t ask me too because she might just become mine. Look if you love someone, then the done thing is to tell her yourself unless of course you want Mayawati to do the honours. And if you are such a weak loser, then don’t bother falling in love. Stay a wimp and keep writing to me. You cannot imagine the joy I experience when I hear from losers such as you.

I am a 22-year-old boy. I live in a hostel. I am slightly dark complexioned and belong to a lower caste. My roommates are very good looking and belong to upper castes. They keep teasing me on the pretext of looks and caste. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Join Uttar Pradesh politics and you might become the chief minister or better still find yourself someone like you. Surely, we haven’t gotten rid of all castes/creeds yet, so why the fuss? As for your roommates, ignore them and if they persist, then beat the crap out of them if you know what I mean?

I am a 24-year-old man. Sometime back, I became good friends with a girl. And recently, I tried to get intimate with her. She refused to go ahead and insisted I should propose to her first. But I don’t love her and hence proposing on my part would be wrong. Just proposing for the heck of it makes no sense to me. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Move on quickly and don’t waste time. All this marriage stuff is pure rubbish and she is not the kind of loose girl we would all like. We are not the kind who want serious relationships or commitments, are we? So why bother. If she doesn’t want to play, I am sure even a loser like you can find others. So do just that, son.

For the past one year, I am into an extra-marital relationship with a married woman and we have kept this a secret. I am around 42 and she is a year younger and we have become quite dependent on each other. While we continue to remain committed to our families, we enjoy spending whatever little time we can together. However, we aren’t able to spend much time because of family compulsions. How do we make our relationship serious and long-lasting without jeopardising our family responsibilities?

Name and address withheld

Do whatever the hell you want and stop disturbing me. I don’t run a travel agency which will tell you what to do and where to go. Keep doing all that you are doing and give this another two years and you will hate each other.

I am a 19-year-old boy and am bisexual. After a recent sexual encounter with a guy, I have got this immense desire to undergo a sex change. However, I am scared of admitting this to my parents since I come from a very conservative family. I am also unsure about the health aspects. What should I do?

Taran, via e-mail

Admitting it to your parents? Are they blind or plain insane? Won’t they know when you suddenly develop breasts and apply lipstick? My suggestion is you must have a sex change. Why must we stop you on your path of logical evolution and yes, try and go to a hospital for this. I don’t think even under Jagmohan Dalmiya, Eden Gardens would be quite the place for this son!

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park
Calcutta 700025
Ph: 24191174

E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism
Contact: Volunteers on line
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432

Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal

Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally,
P.- Prafulla Kanan
Calcutta — 700 101

Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856

Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash ( The lifestyle management school )

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029

Ph: 9830149919

Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays

Society for nature, education and health (sneh)

Flat — 2B, 48/1, Chakraberia
Road (North) Calcutta — 700 020
Ph: 2486 7404, 2486 1940

E-mail: sneh@cal2.vsnl.net.in

Psychotherapy for children,adolescents and adults suffering from behavioural and emotional problems

Timings: 10.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays