I am a 27-year-old man. Recently I fell in love with my friend’s sister. I can’t propose to her because she lives in Jabalpur. I can’t contact her as the mobile number she gave me is always switched off. Please help.

Amit, Jamshedpur

Jabalpur is a fine city son and a Railways hub. Your babe must be on some silly network or else you can easily get through! Here’s my advice: take a train to Jabalpur and propose to her on the platform itself: there is nothing more romantic or for that matter more real! And in any case if she lives in Jabalpur she can’t have much of a life so even a dolt like you will be like an electric engine in her life. Buy your train ticket and chug off to some romance...

I am a 19-year-old man with a serious problem. A girl is forcing me to be with her. Or else, she threatens to tell the police that I tried to rape her after promising marriage. What should I do?

Hussain,Calcutta

Call her bluff and let her call the cops. Knowing how good our cops are, it’ll be about three decades before they act! And thank god she is not your wife! Then she could have also called the Maoists or for that matter the United Nations! If all else fails ask for the Bishop of Calcutta to help you! He is very good at handling terrible situations!

I am an 18-year-old woman. I am extremely short tempered and I just cannot control my anger. This leads to regular misunderstandings and quarrels with my mother. All this is ruining my relationship with my parents, which I don’t want. Please help.

Garima, Calcutta

Garima, join the Art of Living and make sure that you are never too close to SSRS or else you too may get shot in the thigh. If you don’t wish to do that, then please follow me. I too am becoming a guru very soon since that is a recession-proof business and you can be my first follower... the calmness will come automatically, since I too am a very calm being. I have to be if I have to read the silly crap people write to me every Sunday… have a fine life, love.

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25
Ph: 2419 1174
For free help on alcoholism
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
(2p.m. to 6p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)

Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)

Ph : 98309 93132
(2p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)
www.india.al-anon.alateen.org

Narcotics anonymous (Kolkata area helpline)

Ph: 9836223071; www.nakolkata.org
Email: info@nakolkata.org
Self-help group of recovering addicts

HelpAge India

1800-345-1253
Free helpline for the elderly for social, legal, economical, financial counselling and also access to government schemes and policies lifeline Foundation
Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays)

Sparsha

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 01
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Fridays)

Pronam

38/1, Beltala Road,Calcutta - 19
Senior Citizen’s Emergency
Co-ordination Control Room
Ph: 2419 0740