I am a 17-year-old boy in love with a classmate. Another boy’s also flirting with her. She knows about my feelings, but isn’t saying whom she likes. Help.

Name and address withheld

This is the oldest girl trick in the book which is why men are always stumped. Look son, she is tossing two balls in the air and no one but her knows which one she will catch. If you are willing to take the risk, then continue this dalliance, but methinks it is a waste of time. A tease is worse than an indecisive woman and this girl quite clearly is a tease who loves the attention from two typical losers. It is your call. And listen if you do get dumped, which I think is as certain as day and night, don't bother writing to me. This is an intelligent column and not a suicide helpline. You might as well call Sitaram Yechury for the latter. He is now adept at this post their Bengal alliance with the Congress.

I am a 20-year-old girl and graduated from the UK. I had been dating a classmate there. Now back in India, I’ve become close to my ex boyfriend. I cannot decide who to be with. Help.

Name and address withheld

There is no confusion darling. The bird in the hand is always better. That bloke in the UK will be worrying about Brexit and other sundry matters so what you must do is disengage from him and latch onto this ex of yours who very soon will be your current so that you can then tell the ex in England that you are pretty much done with him without a referendum. Get the drift darling?

I am 26. My husband is argumentative and recently he got so angry that he slapped me several times. We haven’t spoken since. It’s hurting my dignity to go up and talk. Help.

Name and address withheld

Go to the nearest cop station: drag his body to a police station and let him rot there. And then take all his money away and walk into freedom. This man won’t change so you’d be better off changing the man you’re with. It is as simple. But do make sure he is beaten up well and proper. And then drag him to court and make his life eternally miserable. If you live in Bihar, the cops will not even wait for your instructions to beat up the bloke. They are a law unto themselves under the democrat NK.

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