With China having its black swan moment, thanks to courageous students rather than Natalie Portman or BTS, nations around the world come up with suggestions on how Xi Jinping should deal with the rising tide of political protests. Canada recommends that the Chinese premier apologise to every single protester on camera while Russia advocates invading Taiwan and conscripting at least half the students by default. India, for its part, asks Xi Jinping to send a team to Jamia Millia Islamia.
Meanwhile, Rishi Sunak, who is too busy advising his Chinese chefs (on how to nail Indian Chinese) to advise the Chinese government, decides to scrap the UK’s four-day work week experiment, as it allows too many people too much time to read The Guardian’s op-eds. Sunak simultaneously announces plans to reduce the entry of foreign students into the UK, as it allows too many people too much scope to write The Guardian’s op-eds.
Elsewhere, deeply disappointed that Twitter could not generate enough buzz regarding the world’s largest volcanic eruption in Hawaii, Elon Musks asks a special team of Tesla engineers to create a simulated explosion of similar magnitude that will start trending immediately on Twitter.
Wondering what else happened while you exploded with joy about WhatsApp’s new self-message feature saving you from sending more grocery lists to your ex’s blocked chat? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
Gautam Adani has denied rumours that Ravish Kumar left NDTV because Adani’s new editorial team could not understand Kumar’s HindiTT archives
- Following the completion of his takeover of NDTV (or is it NDATV already?), Gautam Adani, whose “responsibility towards Indian journalism” is now second to Arnab Goswami’s, arranges for a real offer from Harvard University to encourage Nidhi Razdan to quit the channel.
- Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, the President of Egypt, has been confirmed as the chief guest for next year’s Republic Day celebrations. The decision should help cheeky headline writers earn a better payday and ensure that the trend of a visiting leader being slightly less democratic than their host continues in 2023.
Vegans and fans of the Kardashians may also find their way into the 2024 hate listTT archives
- Donald Trump and Kanye West, also known as America’s most lethal political duo since George W. Bush and his faith, meet over dinner to launch a new political party called Make America Hate Again (MAHA). According to the MAHA manifesto, the party’s first task is to compile a list of the top 50 Republican politicians who should be blamed if neither Trump nor West ends up being President in 2024.
- A new biography of Elizabeth II, called You Better Read This Peter Morgan, reveals that the late Queen was convinced about three things even more than she was about holding on to the Kohinoor — Prince Andrew was “only kidding” about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Charles loved organic farming more than Camilla Parker Bowles and Liz Truss was a television debutante playing Margaret Thatcher for a BBC drama.
FIFA intends to turn off VAR for potential Japanese offsides as long as Japanese fans look after stadiums in QatarFIFA
- ESPN reports that FIFA is urgently working on giving Japan a wildcard entry into the final of the World Cup after a relaxation of labour laws in Qatar leads to most of the stadium cleaning staff moving to the UAE.
- Merriam-Webster names ‘gaslighting’ as the word of the year, highlighting three examples to best illustrate the word — Vladimir Putin’s relationship with Ukraine, DC’s relationship with plots and K.L. Rahul’s relationship with strike rates.
Kriti Sanon thinks that Varun Dhawan did not spread the right gossip about her because he could not pronounce ‘Deverakonda’ in front of a live audienceTT archives
- Miffed at co-star Varun Dhawan for not spreading the right sort of dating rumours about her, Kriti Sanon blames Bhediya’s meek yelp at the box office on “Varun having more scenes in the film as a human being than as a werewolf”.
- More than 5,000 engineering students across India have already booked their tickets for Arijit Singh’s upcoming concert in Pune and are super-psyched to hum to Channa Mereya after breaking up with their college degrees and financial solvency.
Helena Bonham Carter feels that the only toxic thing about Johnny Depp is his hairstyleWikimedia Commons
- Helena Bonham Carter becomes the latest celebrity to defend Johnny Depp’s right to return to films as per section three of the Rights Awarded to Men by Men, asking “what more does he need than a good lawyer and an even better sense of humour in open court to prove his innocence?”
- She Said, a tick-all-woke-boxes snooze about high-end journalism, the #MeToo movement and Harvey Weinstein (in that order), is lauded by film critics for celebrating the bravery of the New York Times over the bravery of young female victims.