With the presentation of the only book whose bottomline matters, also known as the Union Budget, the Indian economy has once again proven its unmatched reliance on manifesting. Goals of creating more jobs, houses and billionaires under the Pradhan Mantri Naam Hi Kaafi Hai Yojana have already found their blueprint for social media, even though their fine print awaits Goddess Lakshmi’s inspiration. Having criticised the Budget as the brainchild of someone with a brain of a child, the Opposition has promised to air their concerns outside Parliament.
Meanwhile, for the common Indian, the next financial year is set to make clothes, gold and kitchen chimneys more expensive, though not quite as costly as free thinking. On the brighter side, cigarettes have also become less affordable, which means that your lungs should enjoy better health than your bank accounts.
Elsewhere, a National Interest Fund has been launched, details of which will be just as easily available as those relating to PM CARES. The first objective of the new fund is to make Hindenburg Research another BBC while restoring Gautam Adani’s position among the three richest people on Earth.
Wondering what else happened while you celebrated your non-existent appraisal after looking at the fresh income tax slabs? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 30
The victorious girls have acknowledged that none of them was inspired to represent India after watching ‘Chak De! India’ or ‘Dangal’
- Following India’s triumph at the ICC Women’s U-19 World Cup, cricket writers busy watching Surya Kumar Yadav’s batting reels struggle to decide whether to call tournament top-scorer Shweta Sehrawat the “next Virat Kohli”, the “next Shubman Gill” or the “next Prithvi Shaw”.
- Despite Novak Djokovic winning a record-equalling 22nd Grand Slam, his peers refuse to call him the GOAT because “he hasn’t lost enough big matches in his career to be compared emotionally to other greats”.
January 31
Boris Johnson reveals that he has enough exclusive intel on Vladimir Putin to fill up books that will pay for the rest of his life
- Boris Johnson admits that back when he used to be the prime embarrassment of the UK, Vladimir Putin had threatened him, saying that “should Ukraine join NATO, I’ll make the names of your Russian benefactors public along with that of your hairdresser”. Johnson had coolly sidestepped the threats since he was looking for a fresh scandal anyway.
- After black police officers murder a black man called Tyre Nichols in the US state of Tennessee, the New York Times writes how “white supremacy has become so rampant in America as to become colour blind”.
February 1
MCQ has denied that its members have developed an emotional dependency on ChatGPT after talking to the AI bot for hours
- A group of Indian engineering students called Mostly Craving Quants (MCQ), whose members have taken more exams than interviews and dates combined, has filed a petition to stop making ChatGPT sit for exams against its will. A statement put out by MCQ reads: “Just because humans can be treated like robots doesn’t mean we start treating robots like humans.”
- A survey by Break in India has found that close to 60 per cent Indians simultaneously believe that Hindu women only listen to their parents when it comes to marriage and that love jihad is real.
February 2
Rahul Gandhi is considering becoming a food vlogger after his journey around the country introduced him to the most unique eateries in India
- After nearly four months of recording interviews in every possible terrain and weather condition, the Bharat Jodo Yatra ends with the realisation that followers of the Congress could not grow as fast as Rahul Gandhi’s beard.
- With Infosys running into tax disputes in the UK, those close to N.R. Narayana Murthy have told those close to them for being close to Naryana Murthy how “Rishi Sunak failed as both chancellor of the exchequer and as son-in-law”.
February 3
Alka Yagnik believes she is ‘extremely lucky’ to have been sandwiched perfectly between the eras of Lata Mangeshkar and Shreya Ghoshal
- Identified as the most streamed singer on YouTube in 2022, ahead of the likes of Taylor Swift, BTS and your five-year-old neighbour who can do everything, Alka Yagnik thanks “’90s kids for continuing to believe in heartbreaks”.
- Kartik Aaryan and Kriti Sanon’s Shehzada will avoid a direct clash with Pathaan at the box office after the former’s makers postponed the film’s release date “out of respect for film critics”, who can only praise so much of beautiful nonsense at once.
