A couple of days after he tied the knot with Rupali Barua, in Calcutta, actor, motivational speaker and food vlogger Ashish Vidyarthi settled down for a candid, heartfelt, poignant and emotionally enriching chat with The Telegraph on moving on in life, being graceful about accepting the moment and looking to embrace all that life has to offer in the coming years. He spoke fondly about his former wife and forever friend Piloo Vidyarthi and the shield of immense dignity and mutual respect that defines their relationship. Excerpts.
Here is a case where all of us in the family are resolved (smiles)...
Yes, it is a happy occasion and sometimes we get surprised that why do people who are known get more stressed. I did get that feeling, why, because trolling is for real and it happens.... All our lives, for each one of us, what will people say makes a lot of difference and that regulates what we want to do with our life. It could be with our career, passion... I say as a motivational speaker I have been working on one thing... each one of us is broken. Let us not even say that we are perfect. Each one of us is uniquely broken and that is what each of our lives is. That is the important one for me. And, I am an absolute example of another one.
Let’s just look at it. What do we want from life? When we meet somebody and are having a wonderful time, we are adding value. Piloo and I had an amazing life and friendship and lived our life with a lot of joy and with a lot of passion involved in that. We fulfilled our responsibilities, she and I, together for each other, for our child and for our extended family. We’ve been good people, not just for us, but others. And, at some point, we two very good friends found that how we are looking at life is in a different way. We see a lot of people fighting and saying dirty things to one another, doing dirty things to each other inside the confines of a house and everybody knows about it.... Where does a fight start from? It starts from a thought... ekta kichhu katha... aamdero oi katha ta jokhon seed nilo and jokhon aamra dekhte pelam aamra ki bhabe dekhchhi aamader bhobishyot... ektu alada dekhchhi. There was a place that we stay on for a bit longer and there is friction and there is added friction and others start listening to it and others start coming in and saying why are you fighting like cats and dogs, you are such mature people, and, our son getting affected and then people saying... take help. Then we take help and it doesn’t work and then they say, it’s okay, move away like mature people. We said we really don’t want to fight. We took help and support and where we got was, we are essentially two good people. We did not want it to come down to us hating each other and then separating. And, that I think is credit to both Piloo and me. I was very clear. No way can I hate her. We found that she and I cannot walk together. Therefore we did it with a lot of grace and dignity and therefore there was no news, talks. We were fulfilling responsibilities and went for Mowgli’s (son) graduation and attended dinners and met people. But what is going on has to be dealt with.
Two years back when we decided that we’ll go separate ways, we sat down and spoke to Mowgli. The thing in front of us was that the three of us should be happy. We are not living our lives for anyone else’s sake. For that reason, my relationship with my mother-in-law, Shakuntala Barua, remains the same. She is really an amazing friend of mine and I chat about life with her, poetry. That remains and why should it change? My friends for Piloo and her friends for me, they remain the same. They all love us.
Here is a case where all of us in the family are resolved (smiles). People who are involved in our lives, they know what’s happening and are happy for us. You don’t want to go through the pain and the hurt that we give to each other, to the family.
In many cases, you hear of so many fights happening, everybody else talking and gossiping. We didn’t want that. We didn’t want to make a spectacle. It’s the same people who would later say: ‘Aare why didn’t you do it with decency?’ We did it with decency and grace and therefore we have announced it that way.
After we went our separate ways, that’s when Piloo decided that she’ll be leading her life her way and I was very clear that I wanted to lead my life my way. She is doing amazingly well and I am doing what I am doing, yet we are in touch, in connect. We are co-parenting our child... that is the important thing that our child is included in this.
I have seen people who are together and possibly unhappy but they are scared of even expressing themselves because people will say wrong things about them. Let us not hide it under the carpet. If there is disagreement, let people go their separate ways.
We thought it through and went through months of working with each other. And, finally when we saw it was not working... (we came to a decision). This wasn’t an overnight decision.... Our friends were sworn to secrecy that they won’t be talking about it. They have also maintained the dignity of a relationship.
When I dealt with it, what changed was, I realised I can make choices with love....
After that I was very clear that I wanted a life with someone. Post our decision that we will go separate ways, that’s when I actually really let the universe know that I want to have a partner.
I can’t tell you about the number of messages I am receiving from people who are saying ‘thank you for doing what you have done’. There are also people who are commenting on the reverse side of it. I just want to ask those people, do you think hurting anybody is going to benefit anyone. Each one of us goes through a lot of pain. You might consider someone a Bollywood or Hollywood (personality) or a rich industrialist... but each one of us is a human being and each one of us feels the pain and has certain desires and likes and each one of us wants to be happy. So, just like things are happening in your life, things are happening in my life and we have to be respectful towards that. The point here is also the reference of the age, that how you want to beat somebody because of that person’s age. For me, it doesn’t matter because I know I am alive till I am alive. At any age, do not lose your respect for yourself. I have respect for myself and I have respect for people in my life and therefore, my respect for Piloo made me take that completion step with dignity. The respect that Piloo has for me allowed her to take that step with dignity.
We have been leading our independent lives and are in touch. People are asking Piloo questions and Devidi (Shakuntala Barua) questions... trying to dig out something she can say against me... she is saying earlier he was my son-in-law and now he is my son. That’s how I have related to her. Why two people, who are not walking together, as husband and wife, can’t be friends? That’s what Piloo and I are. We are friends and we are not walking together because we disagree on how as a husband and wife we can walk together. I know she is a phone call away from me and she knows I am a phone call away from her.
The entire idea of somebody throwing away somebody... no.... I believe in the dignity each one of us has. Therefore I believe I, at my age and Piloo at her age, the people who are reading it, at whatever age they are at, let age not stop them from doing anything they wish to do for their happiness. It can happen in a profession. Some people want to change their profession, but they feel how can they do it because somebody is telling them that they are too old to do it. Please don’t be hit by that. I am paying my taxes and earning my living and I am taking care of my responsibilities. I am working hard for that, just like you are working hard for your living. You will not like somebody passing judgements on how you are living, why would you pass judgements on others? Post all the completion with Piloo, last year I met Rupali during one of my vlogging assignments and we started chatting and we discovered that she has also gone through her degree of pain. She lost her husband five years back and also not contemplated marriage again, but as we chatted, we discovered that there is a possibility that she can look afresh at life and consider marrying. I am feeling amazing that I am with someone who at a stage in her life was also perhaps by her own and possibly looking at life in a slightly different way.... She is 50 and I am 57, and why not? Each one of us, whatever be our age, strata, we all can be happy. My key line is to fulfill your responsibilities and that has been the keynote for me. I have done this in the past and I will continue to do that and that is why Piloo and I have a great relationship or Devidi and I or my son and I or my friends... each one of us has fulfilled our relationships. Piloo towards her son and me, I towards her. Now we are taking care of our son who is away and are taking care of ourselves.
So, the leitmotif of what I am saying is let people be. I want to be known for the work I am doing and Piloo wants to be known for the work she is doing. This is a storm which people will talk about and bring up and in that period there will be a lot of damage caused to extended relatives. That damage, I think, should be avoided. Everything is done legally. So, if someone feels that it’s wrong... ‘aamar lagchhe eta bhul’... I got it... you feel it’s wrong, so you don’t do it, but don’t judge others because there is someone in your family who is possibly going through this, but is not daring to say something which can go off.
Piloo and I are walking on with wonderful memories of an amazing marriage. I have never related to Piloo just as my son’s mother. Piloo’s my friend... was my wife... that’s how she was with me. And, at a time when we found that we cannot be man and wife, we have moved on and we are friends....
Please don’t think all this has happened without pain. Parting has got pain. It is very difficult. Now, I am being clinical about it, but both Piloo and I and Mowgli have gone through pain.... But then you have a choice, do you want to deal with it or do you want to linger with it? Then life goes away.
When I dealt with it, what changed was, I realised I can make choices with love. We do many things as a reaction, anger... and one thing that Piloo and I managed was, we have done it with trust.... In this period, both Piloo and I, we met a fair share of people who tried to fill our ears, but we would talk to each other almost every alternate day.... I think we both love Arth (son) so much that we didn’t want him to have a bad experience. Mowgli, Piloo and I are moving on with happiness. And, peace and love, rather than being bitter.
For me, I am just widening my world and I want to continue to do some interesting work and fulfill my responsibilities...
In Rupali, I found someone I would love to travel with and discover. She is also somebody who is interested in arts. She is herself a Sattriya dancer and designs clothes. For 20 years, she has been in the UK. She’s had a melange of experiences in her life. So, we both are possibly healing and walking together and also looking forward to creating a life in which a 50-year-old and a 57-year-old are beginning a new journey. We come from very different cultures, but this is great because we get to meet and discover. So, it’s a path which two mature people are choosing to walk together, very loving family and that is what each one of our families is. That’s the same with Piloo’s family, extremely loving. For me, I am just widening my world and I want to continue to do some interesting work and fulfill my responsibilities. I think that is going to be throughout my life. I would want everyone to see their lives and be responsible towards their actions, but at the same time, you don’t need to torture yourself for anything. We all should be in service of our spirit and our spirit should be vast and the universe is our ally.
Don’t think someone is happier than you... then it’s a mirage you are creating...
I would say believe in love. Love yourself, love others and love what you are doing, love this moment. Speak good about yourself and others and have hope in yourself. I know people at large are going through so many challenges, but remember you are not alone. Don’t think someone is happier than you... then it’s a mirage you are creating. On the other hand, if you can have empathy for yourself and others, the world is a beautiful place.
