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The week that should have been

My Kolkata looks at how the past seven days transpired in a parallel universe, tongue permanently in cheek

Priyam Marik | Published 02.12.23, 05:48 PM
(L-R) Hardik Pandya, Jacinda Ardern and Ranbir Kapoor are among the newsmakers of the week

(L-R) Hardik Pandya, Jacinda Ardern and Ranbir Kapoor are among the newsmakers of the week

TT archives

Ayodhya is set to become India’s first Vedic city by reviving the Ancient Intelligence (AI) that prevailed during the Golden Age between whichever dates the RSS prefers in its history books. All locals and visitors to Ayodhya will be classified into multiple categories (as per the algorithms of divine discrimination) and treated in accordance with their ranks, which means minimal disruption of status quo. Computer centres in the city are likely to be repurposed into yajna bhumi (where one can sacrifice time, money and common sense) so that Ayodhya can go back to producing more priests than engineers.

Meanwhile, the UN Conference of Posturing, also known as COP OUT 28, is underway in Dubai. This year’s event involves the installation of a special pavilion where the world’s leading climate thinkers will devise ways to cool the planet by harnessing the renewable power of hashtags. Several world leaders have opted to attend virtually in order to avoid lying in person, whereas Greta Thunberg has announced her attempt to drastically reduce her carbon footprint by cycling her way from Sweden to Dubai.

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Elsewhere, the ceasefire between Israeli forces and Hamas ends after the latter’s biggest pressure group, Iranian influencers, runs out of content for its followers.

Wondering what else happened as you experienced war FOMO on your reels’ feed? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

November 27

Hardik Pandya has been informed that he will become the MI captain once Rohit Sharma has won his 15th IPL

Hardik Pandya has been informed that he will become the MI captain once Rohit Sharma has won his 15th IPL

TT archives
  • Hardik Pandya agrees to be traded from the Gujarat Titans (GT) to the Mumbai Indians (MI) after MI assure Pandya of a lifetime contract as brand ambassador of JioCinema.
  • According to a survey on optimal performance conducted by Overpaid Overthinkers, Indians in white-collar jobs tend to peak at the age when they can leave office without checking if certain others have left first. Among entrepreneurs, peak performance is achieved once they have crossed the age after which none of their relatives asks them to settle down.

November 28

Akshay Kumar has already spoken to all 41 construction workers and should have his film out on the incident before the tunnel is fixed

Akshay Kumar has already spoken to all 41 construction workers and should have his film out on the incident before the tunnel is fixed

TT archives
  • In the latest miracle to happen in the Hindutva Dharmatic Universe (HDU), construction workers in Uttarakhand levitate their way out of a tunnel owing to all 41 of them chanting Bharat’s most popular slogan in unison for 17 days.
  • After the Prime Minister graced Tejas with a sortie, military experts confirm that India’s indigenous fighter jet is fully equipped to add unprecedented value to national security, as it can be used for shooting at any height and angle to provide instant results on Instagram.

November 29

CM Punk believes that he is only three big WWE matches away from a Hollywood role

CM Punk believes that he is only three big WWE matches away from a Hollywood role

TT archives
  • Having been fired by the WWE on his wedding day nine years ago, CM Punk, the coolest 45-year-old man for 25-year-old boys, returns to the company he vowed never to come back to. Explaining his change of heart, Punk says: “I’ve always believed in being the bigger man, especially when there’s a bigger paycheck on the table.”
  • Anti-immigrant riots continue in Dublin after locals realise that the Irish capital has too many kebab joints that do not sell Guinness.

November 30

“I’m most excited to be performing my prime ministerial duties for New Zealand in the US,” admits Jacinda Ardern

“I’m most excited to be performing my prime ministerial duties for New Zealand in the US,” admits Jacinda Ardern

TT archives
  • Christopher Luxon, the new Prime Minister of New Zealand, declares that he will only be PM “for Kiwis back home” while Jacinda Ardern will “remain the face of New Zealand for the rest of the world” so as not to tarnish New Zealand’s reputation as the kindest country known to snowflakes. In her modified role, Ardern will be expected to attend at least three international seminars, eight UN conferences and four US talk shows every week.
  • Following the passing of Henry Kissinger, a former US secretary of hate, Joe Biden promises to honour Kissinger’s legacy by invading any country in Asia or South America that is “suffering from the evils of prolonged stability”.

December 1

Ranbir Kapoor claims that he now knows more about daddy issues than Sigmund Freud

Ranbir Kapoor claims that he now knows more about daddy issues than Sigmund Freud

TT archives
  • In Animal, the newest Sandeep Reddy Vanga film where a man can scream at any point, Ranbir Kapoor breaks the all-time record for saying ‘papa’ the most number of times within a three to four-hour span. Previously, the honour was held jointly by Rahul Gandhi (at his first meeting with the Congress Working Committee) and Siddharth Mallya (on his first dates with Katrina Kaif and Deepika Padukone). For the record, Jay Shah only refers to his father as the “Home Minister”.
  • Orry, the richest person in India without a job title, reveals that he has 99 managers working for him. The most important of them is “my attention manager, who ensures that no original thought strikes my extremely delicate brain”.
Last updated on 02.12.23, 05:48 PM
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