India is all set to inspire the world with the example of symbolic governance through the inauguration of a new Parliament, whose intricately planned structure will now carry greater importance than the seven-decade-old structure of the Constitution. All those entering the fresh premises will have to abide by a dress code designed by a combination of Mohan Bhagwat and the Manusmriti. Additionally, no MP will be allowed to set foot in Parliament if they are found to be accompanied by Made in China products, independent opinions or Rahul Gandhi.
Meanwhile, 72 cameras have been installed to capture the most powerful shot of the inauguration — the moment Prime Minister Narendra Modi places his head on the steps of Parliament. The PM has been advised to hold his pose for at least nine seconds for optimal coverage on all platforms. The new Parliament will also witness the incorporation of hologram technology, allowing the PM the exclusive benefit of addressing both Houses in his digital 3D avatar when away on his foreign adventures.
Elsewhere, all mics in the new Parliament have been designed to switch off automatically once any speaker utters the following words — “fascism”, “autocracy”, “crony capitalism”, “riots”, “2002”, “Jashodaben” and “BBC”. The list is to be updated after every speech delivered by Shashi Tharoor and Mahua Moitra.
Wondering what else happened while you placed your bets on who will be the first to get beaten up in Parliament 2.0? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
May 22
Arvind Kejriwal is confident that he can be a legitimate PM face for 2024 if he can visit at least one temple in every city of India
TT archives- Arvind Kejriwal arrives in West Bengal to meet TMC leaders and draw up a list of all the temples he should visit in east India ahead of the 2024 elections.
- A bilateral agreement between India and Australia means former Australian cricketers can now stay on in India for at least two years in search of work following the completion of their coaching and/or commentary tenures.
May 23
Nirmala Sitharam says that “I wasn’t consulted on the new Rs 2,000 notes, since currency isn’t a part of finance”
TT archives- The RBI will soon be issuing fresh batches of Rs 2,000 notes, whose in-built chips ensure that no matter wherever they are used in India, they will eventually find their way to the nearest BJP party office.
- As part of the G20 meeting in Srinagar, delegations of all visiting countries have been issued a 370-page manual by the host nation on how to revive tourism in beautiful but troubled hotspots by killing democracy.
May 24
Instagram’s version of Twitter will assign blue ticks to only those users who spend more than an hour on the app everyday
TT archives- Instagram is working on its own version of Twitter so that influencers can soon tell us how to revive dissent in 30 seconds, cancel someone with a reel and end every debate with pictures of cats.
- Following the re-election of Kyriakos Mitsotakis as Prime Minister of Greece, the European Union (EU) has extended a loan of $25 billion to the country so that it can convince the world why it still matters.
May 25
Swifties are convinced that the book’s ISBN is the biggest code waiting to be cracked
TT archives- Amazon servers crash in the US after Taylor Swift’s untitled book goes on sale, with Swifties in a race against time and each other to decode what the book’s zero printed pages signify.
- For the first time in the history of the Cannes Film Festival, attendees spend more time delivering standing ovations for films than watching them. The longest applause was reserved for Martin Scorsese’s Killers of the Flower Moon, for which the ovation lasted longer than Leonardo DiCaprio’s last two relationships.
May 26
JioCinema will have a permanent camera in the dugout for all CSK matches should M.S. Dhoni agree to be present there for the next IPL season
TT archives- M.S. Dhoni’s likely retirement after the IPL final on Sunday prompts the BCCI to introduce a rule for next season wherein an ‘Impact Captain’ can issue instructions to the on-field captain from the dugout via a special Jio earpiece. Hansie Cronje dissolves into tears after hearing the news in his afterlife, having already lost his sixth fantasy match of the night.
- With the Jain brothers splitting their media empire, their noisiest assets can finally insult one another freely without making for awkward dinner conversations.
